OT: How much baggage will you accept?

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic][quote=svelte]OK.

I need to go out and buy my wife some flowers.

She brought no baggage to our marriage, doesn’t have any traits that bother me, and actually still excites me every time I see her after decades of marriage. It sounds like I may be the only one in this electronic room that can say that.

She had zero debt, zero prior marriages, no kids, no diseases, and no old boyfriends that came back to pester her.

She doesn’t crochet, like frilly house decorations, wear too much perfume, spend a fortune on anything, pick her nose, laugh like a hyena in heat, or have any addictions.

On top of that, she is still an extremely attractive woman – even moreso than when we met. I enjoy very much watching eyes track her as we walk through a room (she’s oblivious to it)- I should also mention she’s humble and certainly not full of herself.

Yessirree, I knew a fine specimen when I saw one and wasted no time in making her mine. You all are making me realize all over again what a brilliant move that was…[/quote]

my woman, unlike yours, does actually laugh a bit like a hyena. I couldn’t be with someone who I couldn’t actually make convulsed with laughter sometimes. I might put the hyena laughter above appearance, debts, or ability to orgasm.[/quote]

Yay! Someone appreciates a woman who laughs like a hyena. Guilty as charged. Like you, my husband seems to appreciate it, thank goodness. He’s funny, too.

Svelte, you’re a lucky man. I think there are a few of us lucky couples here (including UCGal, Rustico, scaredy, flyer, etc.). We’re maybe not singing our spouse’s praises here, but we’re not the ones complaining, either…at least not seriously. Every day, I give my DH hugs and kisses for being the best husband in the universe (for me). We were both thirty when we married, but didn’t have much baggage.

Remember, those of us who are happily married (with or without baggage) aren’t the ones sitting on bar stools, telling people like Kev and Brian and Davelj how horrible marriage is. We’re not complaining about it online, either. Perhaps we stay silent because we don’t want to jinx anything, or maybe we just don’t want to rub it in the faces of those who aren’t as fortunate…but we’re out there, and I think there are quite a few of us.

[CA renter]

[quote=Blogstar]The people who are clean and do everything right almost inevitably have as much trouble and often more than anyone else, why is that?[/quote]

Because they are too uptight. Uptight people can be some of the most horrible spouses. Unfortunately, I’m a bit guilty there, too. Rules and processes for everything. My husband handles me so well, and I will be forever grateful to him for that. Thankfully, he likes everything to be in order, too, but he’s not nearly as uptight about it all.

See? There is someone for everyone out there! 🙂

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=CA renter][quote=scaredyclassic][quote=svelte]OK.

I need to go out and buy my wife some flowers.

She brought no baggage to our marriage, doesn’t have any traits that bother me, and actually still excites me every time I see her after decades of marriage. It sounds like I may be the only one in this electronic room that can say that.

She had zero debt, zero prior marriages, no kids, no diseases, and no old boyfriends that came back to pester her.

She doesn’t crochet, like frilly house decorations, wear too much perfume, spend a fortune on anything, pick her nose, laugh like a hyena in heat, or have any addictions.

On top of that, she is still an extremely attractive woman – even moreso than when we met. I enjoy very much watching eyes track her as we walk through a room (she’s oblivious to it)- I should also mention she’s humble and certainly not full of herself.

Yessirree, I knew a fine specimen when I saw one and wasted no time in making her mine. You all are making me realize all over again what a brilliant move that was…[/quote]

my woman, unlike yours, does actually laugh a bit like a hyena. I couldn’t be with someone who I couldn’t actually make convulsed with laughter sometimes. I might put the hyena laughter above appearance, debts, or ability to orgasm.[/quote]

Yay! Someone appreciates a woman who laughs like a hyena. Guilty as charged. Like you, my husband seems to appreciate it, thank goodness. He’s funny, too.

Svelte, you’re a lucky man. I think there are a few of us lucky couples here (including UCGal, Rustico, scaredy, flyer, etc.). We’re maybe not singing our spouse’s praises here, but we’re not the ones complaining, either…at least not seriously. Every day, I give my DH hugs and kisses for being the best husband in the universe (for me). We were both thirty when we married, but didn’t have much baggage.

Remember, those of us who are happily married (with or without baggage) aren’t the ones sitting on bar stools, telling people like Kev and Brian and Davelj how horrible marriage is. We’re not complaining about it online, either. Perhaps we stay silent because we don’t want to jinx anything, or maybe we just don’t want to rub it in the faces of those who aren’t as fortunate…but we’re out there, and I think there are quite a few of us.[/quote]

my laugh has been described as snortlike, which it is but also aspirating and pained, like I’m in serious medical distress. I don’t laugh that often but when I do its disturbing. The process can be very tiring. Got set off by an old curb your enthusiasm episode last night.

[kev374]

what is surprising is how many long time married couples are splitting up these days…

http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/30/world/europe/prince-harry-cressida-bonas-split/index.html?hpt=wo_t4

granted these are celebs but I also know a couple friends who got divorced, one after 9 yrs of marriage and the other after 14 years together.

I wonder what motivated these people to divorce. One would imagine that after so much time together they would’ve learned to deal with each others quirks. Perhaps one person suddenly changed for the worse?

[FlyerInHi]

A loud female laugh is annoying. Like Hillary Clinton’s laugh. Not loveable charming. Not baggage but irritating trait.

[FlyerInHi]

[quote=CA renter]

Because they are too uptight. Uptight people can be some of the most horrible spouses. Unfortunately, I’m a bit guilty there, too. Rules and processes for everything. My husband handles me so well, and I will be forever grateful to him for that. Thankfully, he likes everything to be in order, too, but he’s not nearly as uptight about it all.

See? There is someone for everyone out there! :)[/quote]

There is someone for everyone indeed.

uptight is in the mind of the beholder. The French would say that showering everyday is uptight. We call it basic hygiene.

[CA renter]

[quote=kev374]what is surprising is how many long time married couples are splitting up these days…

http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/30/world/europe/prince-harry-cressida-bonas-split/index.html?hpt=wo_t4

granted these are celebs but I also know a couple friends who got divorced, one after 9 yrs of marriage and the other after 14 years together.

I wonder what motivated these people to divorce. One would imagine that after so much time together they would’ve learned to deal with each others quirks. Perhaps one person suddenly changed for the worse?[/quote]

It’s all a matter of perspective. Many of us would say that a two-year relationship is rather short-lived. It’s better for these two to split up now, before marriage and kids, than to split up many years later after all of their finances have been intertwined and the kids are wondering why their world is coming apart.

The devastating splits, IMHO, are the ones where the couple was married for 20, 30, even 40 years! 🙁 You’d think that they would stay married at that point just because it’s easier to leave things as they are.

It seems that there are trends in length of marriage and divorces. Many people divorce in the first 1-3 years because they were never really compatible and never broke through the you/me barrier to the we/us level. Many people refer to these marriages as “starter marriages.” As long as kids aren’t involved, these divorces can be relatively easy.

Then, there are the divorces around the 10-year mark. My guess is that the stress of finances, day-to-day living, and kids takes its toll on these marriages (kids can create a TON of stress if both people aren’t willing and able to re-prioritize their lives and redirect their energies in a way that is healthy for the family).

Finally, you have the divorces that happen when the youngest reaches around 18 years of age or graduates from college. These are the marriages where both parents stuck it out “for the kids.” These are the ones where the women usually seek the divorce, most likely because they’ve been living for other people throughout the marriage and want to “find themselves.”

These are all stereotypes, of course, but there tends to be a grain of truth in them, IMO.

[scaredyclassic]

7 year itch and 20 year ditch.

[joec]

[quote=kev374]
There are guys who are desperate enough to marry just about anyone..my ex ex GF had a student loan balance of $70,000 7 odd years out of school and made only $34k/yr. It was revealed that most of this debt was acquired through extravagant “living expenses” in college and of course she justified it as well. In addition she lived way above her means and had close to $0 in the bank (paycheck to paycheck living)

Just like many women here in Orange County she felt she was just entitled to have an expensive wedding, raise a large family, be a stay at home mom etc. and the expectation was that her mate would pick up the pieces…nevermind the fact that she had not done any diligence with her financial affairs to prepare for all the things that she wanted.

Now, found out she is just engaged to some bloke. Well, what was unacceptable to me was apparently acceptable to him so, there IS indeed someone for everyone I guess…[/quote]

I’m sure there are people who have so much money they don’t care or it isn’t a concern. I know of friends who are so loaded with family money (asian) and I’m sure at their age now, their parents are just wishing they would get married and start having grandkids (getting to 40). I wouldn’t be surprised if the mail order bride came in personally…

Anyhow, I think the whole LA lifestyle and most metro places (bay area) is to live like that. Most young women have no money and a lot of times, they feel “entitled” or “I work hard, I deserve this.” Maybe it’s my immigrant childhood or having seen real poverty in foreign countries.

Anyhow, I think a lot of people will just end up marrying later or staying single.

It’s already happening since more women graduate from college now and get advanced degrees as well (law, medicine) so there are simply less “eligible” men in their eyes (makes more money than them).

If they get a poor guy, woe is the guy after a few years…

[FlyerInHi]

[quote=joec]It’s already happening since more women graduate from college now and get advanced degrees as well (law, medicine) so there are simply less “eligible” men in their eyes (makes more money than them).

If they get a poor guy, woe is the guy after a few years…[/quote]

it’s sexist to say that women want to marry more well-off and more accomplished men.

As a man, I’m looking to marry a career woman multitudes richer and more accomplished than me. I think that I’d be a great stay at home husband.

[Disgruntled Patriot]

Love does conquer all, including fear, anger, bias, and greed. It is forgiving, and does not keep score. That said, if you love her, it would be an undeniable truth that would not need the advice of your fellow piggs! Your post is evidence enough that your relationship has not grown to a level of true love. So perhaps best to not make any decision, share your truth with her, live for today and trust that your heart will lead you to the right place.:)

[svelte]

[quote=CA renter]
Finally, you have the divorces that happen when the youngest reaches around 18 years of age or graduates from college. These are the marriages where both parents stuck it out “for the kids.” These are the ones where the women usually seek the divorce, most likely because they’ve been living for other people throughout the marriage and want to “find themselves.”
[/quote]

We’ve seen a fair amount of this.

Looks to me like some of it is staying together for the kids, but there is another thing going on here too.

When your life revolves around your kids, then when they are gone you have much more time with your spouse and have to find new things to do, new hobbies, new things in common.

I remember going through that. It almost felt like we sat there on the couch, looked at each other and said “now what?”. It was incremental of course and not one dramatic moment, but that’s what happened. Luckily we tried many new activities and found some we both liked so it drew us even closer together as a couple than we had kids at home.

But I can easily imagine couples that go the other way…they can’t find new activities they both enjoy so they drift further apart. Not saying they are better or worse than us, it’s just what can happen as time passes and things change.

[kev374]

[quote=Disgruntled Patriot]Love does conquer all, including fear, anger, bias, and greed. It is forgiving, and does not keep score. That said, if you love her, it would be an undeniable truth that would not need the advice of your fellow piggs! [/quote]

so what are you saying? Everyone who divorced never truly loved their partner? Sometimes you may love the other person but that may not be enough to maintain a healthy long term relationship. I think love is certainly a very important component to a relationship but for a relationship to succeed long term there have to be other factors in place as well…

There is a modicum of truth in the saying “one cannot live on love and fresh air alone” 😉

[CA renter]

Totally see how that can happen, svelte. It must have been strange to be alone after so many years with kids in the house. Mr. CAR and I often wonder what it will be like if/when the kids move out. I will be devastated. 🙁

I think a lot of wives put their kids before their husbands in a really unhealthy way. IMO, it shouldn’t be like that because the kids are supposed to grow away from you while your husband is, ideally, supposed to be there until your final days. It’s just difficult for many women to put their husbands before their kids, or even equal to them, because the kids demand so much more of them. This probably makes the “empty nest” situation worse than if the husband and wife had made their relationship a priority.

Like you and your wife, I’ve also seen many couples who come out on the other end and really enjoy a golden era in their relationship. If you can make it through kids and the transition to empty nesters, I think the joint history and accomplishments can make the relationship so much stronger.

[FlyerInHi]

Love does not conquer all.

Love is selfish and needy.

You respect and admire integrity. But can you love someone who’s never flattered or pleased you?

Sometimes people say they love because they romanticize the days when there was flattery and attention.

Honor, duty and integrity are good reasons to stay together, but it’s not love.

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