OT: Relationship advice, tips on how to get over an ex…

[SD Realtor]

Whatgoesup – I don’t mean to sound condescending but you soung like you are young… Not young like kid young but young like maybe 20’s or something like that. Sounds like the former girlfriend is in the same boat or maybe younger. Many times people who want something or are behaving in certain manners become accusatory. Many a person who is cheating is the more insecure person in the relationship. Time heals all wounds but if you have the control over how you spend that time healing. Try to be strong over the next several weeks as those will most likely be the harder ones.

SD Realtor

[FutureSDguy]

Alcohol is a bad idea, IMO, especially during times of hardship. Stick to the recreational drink when you’re in a good mood.

Grieving over a loss is normal–its human instinct and should not be construed as weakness. Let yourself grieve for three days–let yourself be sad over the loss, and don’t rationlize. You plan ahead to stop the grieving on Saturday, and on that day, its all over. You have moved on (tell this to yourself in the past tense).

[anxvariety]

Use the three F’s:

Forgive her
Forget her
Find a new girlfriend

[noone]

I went through a similar thing about 15-20 years ago. I’ll tell you it wasn’t easy, and I had some pretty strong emotions for a year or more afterwards.

The things that hurt the most were going places or doing things that we used to do together. Thus the things that helped the most were the opposite. Pick up some new hobby or activity that you’ve always wanted to try. Especially those things that you wanted to try but you didn’t because your ex wasn’t interested.

It’s also a great time for self-improvement. I started eating better, riding my bike, rollerblading (hey it was more than 15 years ago :-)), and stuff like that. I ended up dropping about 20 pounds, and it was quite an ego booster to be turning women’s heads.

I also took a few classes at the local community college. You meet a new crowd of people, and learn some things while you’re at it.

One of the smartest things I think I did was not start any serious relationship for about 2 years.

[SHILOH]

“That “we are still friends” BS is just a form of clinging on (people tend to want a safety net, holding onto the old until they’re sure the new will take off).”

I suppose it’s all in how you define “friend.” I don’t think it’s realistic to call someone a “friend” after intimacy. You can call someone an x-GF or BF or x-lover but “friend,” is not accurate.

If someone ends it with you and still leans on you emotionally —that is not a break up. And if they spread themselves emotionally around – that’s emotionally promiscuousity to get their own needs met without regard for the “one” significant person. Talking about other guys to you (knowing that it bothers you) is a narcissitic way to get attention – not for any reason but to either get your reaction – to satisfy their own need to feel “wanted” without caring if it bothers you because it is a way to feel in control.

[kewp]

Best advice I can give, focus on upping your SMV. Thats ‘Sexual Market Value’.

Work out, get a tan, get a better job, buy some new clothes, heck all of the above. Make focusing on that a priority. You end up with multiple benefits, you are busy in a productive way and will attract more attention from the ladies. Both do wonders to take your mind off the ex.

Worst thing to do, be mopey and drink.

[PerryChase]

I call it the desirability index. If you’re lacking in an area, then compensate in a different area. If you lack looks, compensate with professional credentials (ie money). If you lack social skills and coolness, compensate with intellect, etc… But focus on maximizing your desirability rating. Kinda like the FICO score for dating. 🙂

[NotCranky]

WGU
!!!Warning Females should not read this post!!!
From what I see she will come back to you in a couple months at the longest, if you let her. If you are like I was when I was young you will let her no matter what anybody says. So if you do… go for what you want and set boundaries when you want to. She will notice and ask you “whats up?” when she realizes she doesn’t have you wrapped around her finger or other anatomical location. Then tell her you are giving her the best relationship she deserves because there is no one new for you yet. Believe me she won’t be back and you wont care. In my case all I had to do was say I didn’t want to stay up late on weekdays when I had to go to work the next day and she didn’t. She asked me what I got back with her for.(she came looking for me and came on strong) I was a little less diplomatic than I am suggesting you be at that point in time but it was effective. I think I said I was in it for the A$$.
Best wishes

OOPS! I hope this isn’t too racy such that I get kicked off the blog? I’d gladly tone it down? I think it is neat that you all are giving this young guy some love.

[speedingpullet]

What GoesUp – I was in the same situation, just before I met the man who became my husband. Its true, if cliched, that time heals all wounds. It WILL get better, but in the meatime there’s lots of things to do to make yourself feel ‘human’ again

Do things that make you feel great physically – there’s no better antidote to the depression and lack of self-worth you feel – no matter who broke up with whom – than feeling and looking fit and healthy. Turning heads is a huge psychological rush, and even if you don’t feel like following up on anything at the moment, its great to know that other people find you attractive.

Its a way of showing love for yourself – if you feel anything like I did when I broke up with my old boyfriend, I needed to spend time just being nice to myself, because no matter how ‘amicable’ the break-up, theres always a tendency to feel a bit worthless and unlovable. You’re neither – you attracted this woman in the first place, and you’ll attract other women again, in time. Take care of yourself both mentally and physically, and you’ll soon rebound, bigger, stronger, faster, smarter…

Spend time on reinforcing your old friendships, and making platonic new ones. The old adage ‘friends will get you through times of no lovers, but lovers will never get you through times of no friends’ is so true.

Laughter is incredibly healthy, and just getting out and talking to people about stuff other than your own problems really helps to clear the cobwebs out. I found talking to people about their own lives and problems helped me put my own troubles in perspective. I found it all too easy to sit and brood about ‘what if..?’ when being on my own, but found being surrounded by good friends and just chewing the fat incredibly theraputic. Good friends are the best medicine you can have.

And, as hard as it may be, cut off as much contact with her, her friends, places you used to go together, etc…if she keeps on ringing you up wanting to ‘just be friends’ tell her that, at the moment, that’s just not possible for you. If she truly does want to be a friend, then she’ll understand.

If she doesn’t, then recognise that thats her problem – she doesn’t want to give up on the relationship, no matter how damaging it is to both of you. She’s probably just repeating old patterns you both used to fall into, beacuse she’s so used to it – she doesn’t know how to react to you in any other way. She’s not your girlfriend any more, so you don’t have to dance the tired old dance anymore. She’s only human, too, so recognise that her perception may be as out of whack as yours is at the moment.

Judging from what you’ve been saying about your conversations with her recently, she doesn’t seem to clear on what she wants either. All this chatter about ‘you’re insecure’ and ‘going out and having fun in Vegas’ sounds like her mechanism for coping. Know it for what it is – her stuff – don’t get sucked back into it, and look after yourself.

Not to say that you have to exclude her forever – but until you can walk around places you went to/seeing her and her friends without feeling like a trainwreck inside, then you’ll be doing yourself a favour by staying away.

Chances are, down the line, you’ll meet up again and wonder what all the fuss was about.
I really like my ex now – but I wonder, when I compare the relationship I had with him to the relationship I have with my husband now, if I wouldn’t have made a huge mistake by staying with my ex, had the opportunity arisen.
The ex is a genuinely nice guy, but I thank my lucky stars that our breakup directly led to my meeting my husband – 8 years down the line, I wouldn’t take all the Tea in China for having my ex back, over my husband.

Anyway, I’m sure that I haven’t said anything that the others haven’t said already.

Yes, you will feel like you’ve been shot in the chest for a while – losing a relationship is one of the biggest life stresses there is, short of the death of a child/parent/partner. Sometimes, its incredibly hard to bounce back, but bear with it, and be kind to youself.
I can’t stress that enough – just be gentle and kind to yourself.

And – ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you strong’. It may feel like the end of your world at the moment, but try and see it as an oportuntiy to find out what you want from a relationship, what’s important to you. Sounds cold, but reflecting on your own wants and needs will make you a more rounded person, better suited to give love to another, when the time is right.
Personally, I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t had a devastating breakup – it really is character building, no matter how crappy it feels at the time. Nothing like personal meltdown for empathising with others troubles.

Good luck mate.

[NateK]

Listen to the Tom Leykis show on 103.7 from 3pm-8pm. Give it at least 2 weeks. But make sure you listen in on Thursdays when he goes over the premise of the show called, “Leykis 101”

[Author]

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