OT: Relationship advice, tips on how to get over an ex…

[WhatGoesUp]

Sorry this is only my second post, but I love all of the perspectives here. I just got out of a long-ish relationship, and despite all of the good thats comes from being done with it, and all the bad stuff I’m leaving behind from the relationship – I still get really bothered when I hear my ex-GF is talking about hanging out with other guys and just bummed out in general that things fell apart the way they did, but it’s pretty much a certainty that things are completely over so time to move on.

What are some activities or things for a guy or girl to do, to occupy their mind away from unhealthy dwelling on an ex-lover? Anything you’ve tried that helped you?

I’m doing good for most of the day, but these unhealthy thoughts and picturing her with another guy kind of pop out and haunt me and it’s hard to let them go. How do I let go of the pride? I feel like the guys are insulting me because I know they won’t treat her as well, even though I don’t care much about her anymore.

An older guy that I know described his divorce as “the bed was getting too crowded!”. I respect his ability to put it in funny terms and move on that inspired me a little.

Appreciate any answers or tips you all might have, and jokes too! Thank you for the help.

[lniles]

First, cut her off completely. You are human, it’s going to hurt, and there is no off-switch for your feelings. The fact that you are listening to her talk about other guys mean you two are still hanging around. That “we are still friends” BS is just a form of clinging on (people tend to want a safety net, holding onto the old until they’re sure the new will take off). Get as far away from her as possible. Take away each other’s safety nets.

Second, channel your engergy into healthy activities where you will meet new people. Don’t try to run out and hook up with someone new, just try to get out there and make friends!

Here’s a club in SD you can join (free) for all sorts of healthy activities for people aged 21-40:

Home

For a laugh check out this story on “four short crushes”. It pretty much describes my daily life.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2007/04/30/070430sh_shouts_simms

[Borat]

Sorry to hear about your trouble. The most important thing to do is to keep yourself occupied and away from her. If you can afford to take a long vacation, DO IT! Go to Australia or Asia for a couple of months and just relax. It’s time to make yourself more interesting and there’s no better time to do that than when you’re alone.

And no one’s insulting you — people are too wrapped up in their own game to worry about yours…

[SD Realtor]

I would agree that cutting off contact as much as possible is the healthiest thing to do. Before I got married and had kids my life was much different. I played in 2 softball leagues, 2 roller hockey leagues, and a basketball league. Any other free time was spent at the beach playing volleyball. I also threw on my blades and did laps around the boardwalk down at mission beach. Any other free time was spent mountain biking. You live in perhaps the best climate in the entire country so I advise you to take control and enjoy it. It is not expensive to do alot of these things. There is also an organization called VAVI that has created social/recreational leagues from conventional sports like the ones I mentioned to things like dodgeball and other funky stuff. These leagues are also CO-ED so maybe you can meet a new sweetie there. I don’t drink so I was never into the bar scene so these sorts of things may be a bit more appealing to you.

The key is definitely occupation an social interaction. You are never going to escape the pain. It will always be there. The key is to acknowledge it but don’t let it control your daily life. The second key is to limit your exposure to it. So the more you just “hang out as friends” with your ex, the more you will hurt.

Believe it or not, being single is probably the best time to improve yourself and do things that you never will have time to do when you are not single anymore. Go learn karate, read a book, go out and slut around, or go learn how to play the drums… just do stuff! I know it is hard not to get wrapped up in what you used to have, or how you can change it or how you would or should have changed it…you can move on and better yourself or you can try to fix something that didn’t work before. You have an opportunity but I know it is hard to motivate to take advantage of it.

[sdappraiser]

All you need can be found here…

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/cas/

[no_such_reality]

All you need can be found here…

Well, I wouldn’t have posted a link, but in general SDAppraiser is right.

If you need to get over someone, get over someone else. 😉

And as others said, stop the let’s be friends junk.

[PerryChase]

Here’s a joke ;)[img_assist|nid=3362|title=Woman|desc=|link=node|align=left|width=361|height=500]

[(former)FormerSanDiegan]

That’s a classic !!

… but I thought money was the root of all evil ??? Hmmm, that reminds me of that ELO song …

[jztz]

Just a reflection that this board is populated by males. Women/wives are blamed for all ill-advised money decisions too (in other threads). In real life, that’s hardly true.

[Nonbeliever]

I loved the New Yorker link. That is pretty much my daily life as well! Hilarious.

[poorgradstudent]

1) Focus on the bad side of the relationship
When things end, it’s pretty natural to romanticize the relationship and look at it through rose-colored goggles, not unlike the NAR tends to look at the housing market. If you force yourself to think about the things that were wrong about the relationship that you’re NOT missing, rather than dwelling on what you are missing, it may help
2) Re-focus on friendships, hanging with “your boys”
There’s a good chance that there were things you like to do that you didn’t have time for while in the relationship. You want to spend time around single guys, who tend to have similar interests and time availability as each other. Good guy friends don’t let each other mope over relationships, and being social is important.
3) Cut off contact with the ex in the short run
You need space until you resolve your feelings. You may be able to be friends in the future, but now is not the time
4) Focus on other options
Your milage may vary depending on your own personal beliefs, but flirting with, making out, or … more with another woman is often the quickest way to wash the pallette clean. You want to look forward, not backwards.

It’s cliche, but there really are a lot of fish in the sea. She wasn’t the One, so why waste any more time on her?

[greekfire]

Here’s a summary of getting over a woman based on my life experiences (and advice I got from others):

1) Living well is the best revenge (this is the most essential rule!)
2) Woman are like cars on the freeway, as soon as one passes by there’s another one to take its place.
3) Stay busy (with healthy activities)
4) Re-affirm the good reasons for breaking up (she’s not family-oriented, she’s a smoker, she’s a ho, etc.:^))
5) Thank God that you didn’t come to this conclusion about her after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids.

Best of luck, friend. As someone once told me after I was fired from one of my jobs. He said, “You are going to look back at this years from now and realize it was the best thing that could’ve happened to you.”

He was right.

[WhatGoesUp]

Wowwww, I love this advice. I’m going to try these things out – the fact that many of you said similar things, in different ways only strengthened the ideas. Thank you guys very much.

I was telling her the whole time that her actions were speaking different than her words.. and she denied it and wanted to say I was insecure thats why I thought that way. Well now that we’re broken up, she’s showing me exactly how she operates – why would I try and deny it now?! I knew it all along, so theres nothing I can do to change her.. like you guys said, “Beat it! Kick rocks!”.

I talked to her once more around the time I posted the original message and she said the ”I’m going to go to Vegas and have fun.”. With the guy she chatted with during our relationship, who I resisted but she kept saying ”youre so insecure”. I told her I’m far from insecure, I just want a healthy relationship or I want to be in no relationship. Well after she told me this Vegas story again (presumably the guy is flying her out there, because he has rich parents that he bragged to her about once) – I told her that I don’t ever want to talk to her again, and that she should not contact me for any reason. Zero tolerance! Thanks for the wise words again.

[sdduuuude]

I’ll confirm one more “cut off all contact”

I would also say – keep yourself very, very, very busy. Don’t sit around reading books and watching TV. Go rent a jet ski, find a sports league to play in, take welding classes or something like that. Before you know it, it’ll be a year down the road and you’ll be ready for the next thing.

Find a good “rebound” relationship helps, too. Throw that in with “keep yourself busy” and you’ll be through it.

[barnaby33]

I joined a running club, SDTC (San Diego Track Club). Of course it helps to go out with other women, but you may want to take some time on that angle. Especially if you are a rebound type.

Alcohol works in the short term, but only in the short term.

Something physical like a team sport is always a big help. Trying to avoid getting hurt playing rugby tended to focus my mind.

Josh

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