OT: Dating Someone with Children

[Bugs]

Remember when I said that some men should never get married or allow their girlfriends to have kids? Well, there’s a female corolary to that. Some single moms should never contemplate bringing another man in their lives until their kids are grown.

I got divorced when I was in my mid-30s and already had kids. I specifically sought out single moms to date because parenting skills were important to me and I wanted to see those skills in action before I committed. That, and I diodn’t want to have to deal with a biological clock at some point in the future. We’ve been together for 17 years and it’s been good for us. But I’ve seen other couples struggle.

Most guys are all about being fair and trying to treat kids in a blended family on as equal a basis as each kid will allow. Some kids naturally require more work and effort that others, but there still has to be a baseline to start from.

Many (not all) women are more about being nurturing and protective than they are about being fair and equitable and rational. I’ve seen several women struggle (and fail) at accepting some other woman’s kids as being equals to her own. There are a lot of double standards out there, and that invariably causes a tremendous amount of damage.

The adults have to be the team and stand against all the kids equally. When it breaks down along bio-kid lines everyone loses. EVERYONE.

At best, raising a blended family requires additional coping skills, additional maturity and additional resources of all types. Just as not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not every parent is cut out to be a step-parent. Simple fact.

Here’s the question you should be asking yourself – are you looking for a co-parent to help you raise your kids according to your shared values, or are you merely looking to fill a hole in your own personal life? If it’s the former then maybe you’ll have the interest to learn how to raise a blended family. If it’s the latter then bringing a guy into your household will only serve to divide your time and your loyalties to your own kids. You’d be doing everyone a huge favor by exercising some restraint.

[cashflow]

not personally in this situation, but coming from divorced parents, I’d have to agree with TG’s stance. Actually made lotsa sense to me.

My mom (who we lived with) dated a bit while I was in my teens, but not much, she really didn’t have time between working and raising us. My dad’s another story I won’t go into…but the stability of ‘home’ is so crucial, just as TG has pointed out…

[cashflow]

not personally in this situation, but coming from divorced parents, I’d have to agree with TG’s stance. Actually made lotsa sense to me.

My mom (who we lived with) dated a bit while I was in my teens, but not much, she really didn’t have time between working and raising us. My dad’s another story I won’t go into…but the stability of ‘home’ is so crucial, just as TG has pointed out…

[cashflow]

not personally in this situation, but coming from divorced parents, I’d have to agree with TG’s stance. Actually made lotsa sense to me.

My mom (who we lived with) dated a bit while I was in my teens, but not much, she really didn’t have time between working and raising us. My dad’s another story I won’t go into…but the stability of ‘home’ is so crucial, just as TG has pointed out…

[cashflow]

not personally in this situation, but coming from divorced parents, I’d have to agree with TG’s stance. Actually made lotsa sense to me.

My mom (who we lived with) dated a bit while I was in my teens, but not much, she really didn’t have time between working and raising us. My dad’s another story I won’t go into…but the stability of ‘home’ is so crucial, just as TG has pointed out…

[cashflow]

not personally in this situation, but coming from divorced parents, I’d have to agree with TG’s stance. Actually made lotsa sense to me.

My mom (who we lived with) dated a bit while I was in my teens, but not much, she really didn’t have time between working and raising us. My dad’s another story I won’t go into…but the stability of ‘home’ is so crucial, just as TG has pointed out…

[cooperthedog]

Marion!

I haven’t visited for awhile, I see you’re still stirring the pot. I think your question is valid, and although I generally don’t agree with many of your views, I don’t think it is selfish to reject a suitor due to kids – even if you have them – though it is odd, as it seems you would easily relate. The only issue is that most single men w/o kids will flat out reject dating you due to your kids.

As for my experiences, when I was younger, I dated a few women with children, and I always felt akward around them. It is difficult to really get to know someone when their kids are present, as starting a relationship is time-intensive and both parties usually want undivided attention. When it was just the two of us, I would think about her not being at home with her children… Kind of a catch-22, plus its hard to look a kid in the face after nailing their mom… I think most single men (and women) are looking for a potential partner to either date casually for fun, or if more serious, to start a family anew, both of which preclude kids to some degree. Although I had a friend who married a woman with two kids and cared for them as his own.

Also, one could construe your not wanting to date a man with children as a dislike of children in general, which could subjectively be labeled “scary”. Thus, the only viable solution is that you date a single man who shares your same views. The only one that comes to mind is davelj…

[cooperthedog]

Marion!

I haven’t visited for awhile, I see you’re still stirring the pot. I think your question is valid, and although I generally don’t agree with many of your views, I don’t think it is selfish to reject a suitor due to kids – even if you have them – though it is odd, as it seems you would easily relate. The only issue is that most single men w/o kids will flat out reject dating you due to your kids.

As for my experiences, when I was younger, I dated a few women with children, and I always felt akward around them. It is difficult to really get to know someone when their kids are present, as starting a relationship is time-intensive and both parties usually want undivided attention. When it was just the two of us, I would think about her not being at home with her children… Kind of a catch-22, plus its hard to look a kid in the face after nailing their mom… I think most single men (and women) are looking for a potential partner to either date casually for fun, or if more serious, to start a family anew, both of which preclude kids to some degree. Although I had a friend who married a woman with two kids and cared for them as his own.

Also, one could construe your not wanting to date a man with children as a dislike of children in general, which could subjectively be labeled “scary”. Thus, the only viable solution is that you date a single man who shares your same views. The only one that comes to mind is davelj…

[cooperthedog]

Marion!

I haven’t visited for awhile, I see you’re still stirring the pot. I think your question is valid, and although I generally don’t agree with many of your views, I don’t think it is selfish to reject a suitor due to kids – even if you have them – though it is odd, as it seems you would easily relate. The only issue is that most single men w/o kids will flat out reject dating you due to your kids.

As for my experiences, when I was younger, I dated a few women with children, and I always felt akward around them. It is difficult to really get to know someone when their kids are present, as starting a relationship is time-intensive and both parties usually want undivided attention. When it was just the two of us, I would think about her not being at home with her children… Kind of a catch-22, plus its hard to look a kid in the face after nailing their mom… I think most single men (and women) are looking for a potential partner to either date casually for fun, or if more serious, to start a family anew, both of which preclude kids to some degree. Although I had a friend who married a woman with two kids and cared for them as his own.

Also, one could construe your not wanting to date a man with children as a dislike of children in general, which could subjectively be labeled “scary”. Thus, the only viable solution is that you date a single man who shares your same views. The only one that comes to mind is davelj…

[cooperthedog]

Marion!

I haven’t visited for awhile, I see you’re still stirring the pot. I think your question is valid, and although I generally don’t agree with many of your views, I don’t think it is selfish to reject a suitor due to kids – even if you have them – though it is odd, as it seems you would easily relate. The only issue is that most single men w/o kids will flat out reject dating you due to your kids.

As for my experiences, when I was younger, I dated a few women with children, and I always felt akward around them. It is difficult to really get to know someone when their kids are present, as starting a relationship is time-intensive and both parties usually want undivided attention. When it was just the two of us, I would think about her not being at home with her children… Kind of a catch-22, plus its hard to look a kid in the face after nailing their mom… I think most single men (and women) are looking for a potential partner to either date casually for fun, or if more serious, to start a family anew, both of which preclude kids to some degree. Although I had a friend who married a woman with two kids and cared for them as his own.

Also, one could construe your not wanting to date a man with children as a dislike of children in general, which could subjectively be labeled “scary”. Thus, the only viable solution is that you date a single man who shares your same views. The only one that comes to mind is davelj…

[cooperthedog]

Marion!

I haven’t visited for awhile, I see you’re still stirring the pot. I think your question is valid, and although I generally don’t agree with many of your views, I don’t think it is selfish to reject a suitor due to kids – even if you have them – though it is odd, as it seems you would easily relate. The only issue is that most single men w/o kids will flat out reject dating you due to your kids.

As for my experiences, when I was younger, I dated a few women with children, and I always felt akward around them. It is difficult to really get to know someone when their kids are present, as starting a relationship is time-intensive and both parties usually want undivided attention. When it was just the two of us, I would think about her not being at home with her children… Kind of a catch-22, plus its hard to look a kid in the face after nailing their mom… I think most single men (and women) are looking for a potential partner to either date casually for fun, or if more serious, to start a family anew, both of which preclude kids to some degree. Although I had a friend who married a woman with two kids and cared for them as his own.

Also, one could construe your not wanting to date a man with children as a dislike of children in general, which could subjectively be labeled “scary”. Thus, the only viable solution is that you date a single man who shares your same views. The only one that comes to mind is davelj…

[NotCranky]

Watch out! I got really attached to the mom and the kids for four years and then had to finally throw the towel on the mom and me.We were two idiots together. We did not marry though so that was good. It meant the end of pretty strong bonds with kids too. It was like breaking up with my family. Awful experience. Careful guys and gals. I think the kids are better of for knowing me because I treated them better than either of their biological parents did IMO.
Still it would probably have been better if she were a good single mom a la temeculaguy’s model.

[NotCranky]

Watch out! I got really attached to the mom and the kids for four years and then had to finally throw the towel on the mom and me.We were two idiots together. We did not marry though so that was good. It meant the end of pretty strong bonds with kids too. It was like breaking up with my family. Awful experience. Careful guys and gals. I think the kids are better of for knowing me because I treated them better than either of their biological parents did IMO.
Still it would probably have been better if she were a good single mom a la temeculaguy’s model.

[NotCranky]

Watch out! I got really attached to the mom and the kids for four years and then had to finally throw the towel on the mom and me.We were two idiots together. We did not marry though so that was good. It meant the end of pretty strong bonds with kids too. It was like breaking up with my family. Awful experience. Careful guys and gals. I think the kids are better of for knowing me because I treated them better than either of their biological parents did IMO.
Still it would probably have been better if she were a good single mom a la temeculaguy’s model.

[NotCranky]

Watch out! I got really attached to the mom and the kids for four years and then had to finally throw the towel on the mom and me.We were two idiots together. We did not marry though so that was good. It meant the end of pretty strong bonds with kids too. It was like breaking up with my family. Awful experience. Careful guys and gals. I think the kids are better of for knowing me because I treated them better than either of their biological parents did IMO.
Still it would probably have been better if she were a good single mom a la temeculaguy’s model.

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