OT: Dating Someone with Children

[Anonymous]

Thank you, CMcG! Nostradamus, what the hell was that for?? If you despise me so much, why did you bother to answer any of my posts? If you think women like me: highly educated, kind, insightful and mature are a dime a dozen, let’s see you do better. I haven’t whinned about anything except for the fact that I’m scared of mice, and since I’m traditional, I don’t date men who can’t treat me to a nice dinner (not expensive, just reasonable)on the first date.

CMcG, thank you again!

[barnaby33]

Marion I don’t talk about my children either. In fact when people ask me about them I say, “none that I know of,” and leave it at that.

As a guy I’d be very leery of dating a woman with kids. She either focuses on them (which is good) and wouldn’t have a lot of time for me. The other option is she doesn’t focus on them, thats even worse.

If I had kids I’d probably look to date a single mom, simply because most single women wouldn’t want the hassle of someone else’s kid. There is also the added dimension of shared context. Someone who doesn’t have them will never really understand the trials of someone who does.

Josh

[barnaby33]

Marion I don’t talk about my children either. In fact when people ask me about them I say, “none that I know of,” and leave it at that.

As a guy I’d be very leery of dating a woman with kids. She either focuses on them (which is good) and wouldn’t have a lot of time for me. The other option is she doesn’t focus on them, thats even worse.

If I had kids I’d probably look to date a single mom, simply because most single women wouldn’t want the hassle of someone else’s kid. There is also the added dimension of shared context. Someone who doesn’t have them will never really understand the trials of someone who does.

Josh

[barnaby33]

Marion I don’t talk about my children either. In fact when people ask me about them I say, “none that I know of,” and leave it at that.

As a guy I’d be very leery of dating a woman with kids. She either focuses on them (which is good) and wouldn’t have a lot of time for me. The other option is she doesn’t focus on them, thats even worse.

If I had kids I’d probably look to date a single mom, simply because most single women wouldn’t want the hassle of someone else’s kid. There is also the added dimension of shared context. Someone who doesn’t have them will never really understand the trials of someone who does.

Josh

[barnaby33]

Marion I don’t talk about my children either. In fact when people ask me about them I say, “none that I know of,” and leave it at that.

As a guy I’d be very leery of dating a woman with kids. She either focuses on them (which is good) and wouldn’t have a lot of time for me. The other option is she doesn’t focus on them, thats even worse.

If I had kids I’d probably look to date a single mom, simply because most single women wouldn’t want the hassle of someone else’s kid. There is also the added dimension of shared context. Someone who doesn’t have them will never really understand the trials of someone who does.

Josh

[barnaby33]

Marion I don’t talk about my children either. In fact when people ask me about them I say, “none that I know of,” and leave it at that.

As a guy I’d be very leery of dating a woman with kids. She either focuses on them (which is good) and wouldn’t have a lot of time for me. The other option is she doesn’t focus on them, thats even worse.

If I had kids I’d probably look to date a single mom, simply because most single women wouldn’t want the hassle of someone else’s kid. There is also the added dimension of shared context. Someone who doesn’t have them will never really understand the trials of someone who does.

Josh

[temeculaguy]

Here are the rules according to TG (actively dating, while raising two teens). These only apply to divorced people, widows/widower is a different dynamic that I haven’t put enough thought into.

1. I’d never date someone without children again, they have too much free time that I can’t match and they don’t get the next rule.

2. I’m never meeting her children in person and she’s never meeting mine unil they are old enough to vote or at least drive, but voting age is preferable.

That’s it, that’s all you need to do to raise completely healthy kids. All opposite sex adults are a threat to their time and love from their parent. Grown up, divorced parents have one priority in life, if they seek a diversion or physical contact then discretion and privacy is the only way they can accomplish it. Most divorced parents share custody equally these days so it’s easy to have two lives and keep them apart, having to confine all of your affection, adult companionship and sex into two or three days a week is completely workable and most married couples do that anyway. The best single mother’s I’ve met share this philosiphy and the mother’s that want to move in together/merge families/meet each other’s kids aren’t very good mothers anyways and end up not being the type of women I’d want my kids to meet. I’ve met a number of women over the years who seem to move in with a new guy every year or so and bring the kids along, having to move out when there is a fight or they realize they don’t like each other. That’s no way to establish the comfortable, solid place that a child calls “home.”

[temeculaguy]

Here are the rules according to TG (actively dating, while raising two teens). These only apply to divorced people, widows/widower is a different dynamic that I haven’t put enough thought into.

1. I’d never date someone without children again, they have too much free time that I can’t match and they don’t get the next rule.

2. I’m never meeting her children in person and she’s never meeting mine unil they are old enough to vote or at least drive, but voting age is preferable.

That’s it, that’s all you need to do to raise completely healthy kids. All opposite sex adults are a threat to their time and love from their parent. Grown up, divorced parents have one priority in life, if they seek a diversion or physical contact then discretion and privacy is the only way they can accomplish it. Most divorced parents share custody equally these days so it’s easy to have two lives and keep them apart, having to confine all of your affection, adult companionship and sex into two or three days a week is completely workable and most married couples do that anyway. The best single mother’s I’ve met share this philosiphy and the mother’s that want to move in together/merge families/meet each other’s kids aren’t very good mothers anyways and end up not being the type of women I’d want my kids to meet. I’ve met a number of women over the years who seem to move in with a new guy every year or so and bring the kids along, having to move out when there is a fight or they realize they don’t like each other. That’s no way to establish the comfortable, solid place that a child calls “home.”

[temeculaguy]

Here are the rules according to TG (actively dating, while raising two teens). These only apply to divorced people, widows/widower is a different dynamic that I haven’t put enough thought into.

1. I’d never date someone without children again, they have too much free time that I can’t match and they don’t get the next rule.

2. I’m never meeting her children in person and she’s never meeting mine unil they are old enough to vote or at least drive, but voting age is preferable.

That’s it, that’s all you need to do to raise completely healthy kids. All opposite sex adults are a threat to their time and love from their parent. Grown up, divorced parents have one priority in life, if they seek a diversion or physical contact then discretion and privacy is the only way they can accomplish it. Most divorced parents share custody equally these days so it’s easy to have two lives and keep them apart, having to confine all of your affection, adult companionship and sex into two or three days a week is completely workable and most married couples do that anyway. The best single mother’s I’ve met share this philosiphy and the mother’s that want to move in together/merge families/meet each other’s kids aren’t very good mothers anyways and end up not being the type of women I’d want my kids to meet. I’ve met a number of women over the years who seem to move in with a new guy every year or so and bring the kids along, having to move out when there is a fight or they realize they don’t like each other. That’s no way to establish the comfortable, solid place that a child calls “home.”

[temeculaguy]

Here are the rules according to TG (actively dating, while raising two teens). These only apply to divorced people, widows/widower is a different dynamic that I haven’t put enough thought into.

1. I’d never date someone without children again, they have too much free time that I can’t match and they don’t get the next rule.

2. I’m never meeting her children in person and she’s never meeting mine unil they are old enough to vote or at least drive, but voting age is preferable.

That’s it, that’s all you need to do to raise completely healthy kids. All opposite sex adults are a threat to their time and love from their parent. Grown up, divorced parents have one priority in life, if they seek a diversion or physical contact then discretion and privacy is the only way they can accomplish it. Most divorced parents share custody equally these days so it’s easy to have two lives and keep them apart, having to confine all of your affection, adult companionship and sex into two or three days a week is completely workable and most married couples do that anyway. The best single mother’s I’ve met share this philosiphy and the mother’s that want to move in together/merge families/meet each other’s kids aren’t very good mothers anyways and end up not being the type of women I’d want my kids to meet. I’ve met a number of women over the years who seem to move in with a new guy every year or so and bring the kids along, having to move out when there is a fight or they realize they don’t like each other. That’s no way to establish the comfortable, solid place that a child calls “home.”

[temeculaguy]

Here are the rules according to TG (actively dating, while raising two teens). These only apply to divorced people, widows/widower is a different dynamic that I haven’t put enough thought into.

1. I’d never date someone without children again, they have too much free time that I can’t match and they don’t get the next rule.

2. I’m never meeting her children in person and she’s never meeting mine unil they are old enough to vote or at least drive, but voting age is preferable.

That’s it, that’s all you need to do to raise completely healthy kids. All opposite sex adults are a threat to their time and love from their parent. Grown up, divorced parents have one priority in life, if they seek a diversion or physical contact then discretion and privacy is the only way they can accomplish it. Most divorced parents share custody equally these days so it’s easy to have two lives and keep them apart, having to confine all of your affection, adult companionship and sex into two or three days a week is completely workable and most married couples do that anyway. The best single mother’s I’ve met share this philosiphy and the mother’s that want to move in together/merge families/meet each other’s kids aren’t very good mothers anyways and end up not being the type of women I’d want my kids to meet. I’ve met a number of women over the years who seem to move in with a new guy every year or so and bring the kids along, having to move out when there is a fight or they realize they don’t like each other. That’s no way to establish the comfortable, solid place that a child calls “home.”

[Bugs]

Remember when I said that some men should never get married or allow their girlfriends to have kids? Well, there’s a female corolary to that. Some single moms should never contemplate bringing another man in their lives until their kids are grown.

I got divorced when I was in my mid-30s and already had kids. I specifically sought out single moms to date because parenting skills were important to me and I wanted to see those skills in action before I committed. That, and I diodn’t want to have to deal with a biological clock at some point in the future. We’ve been together for 17 years and it’s been good for us. But I’ve seen other couples struggle.

Most guys are all about being fair and trying to treat kids in a blended family on as equal a basis as each kid will allow. Some kids naturally require more work and effort that others, but there still has to be a baseline to start from.

Many (not all) women are more about being nurturing and protective than they are about being fair and equitable and rational. I’ve seen several women struggle (and fail) at accepting some other woman’s kids as being equals to her own. There are a lot of double standards out there, and that invariably causes a tremendous amount of damage.

The adults have to be the team and stand against all the kids equally. When it breaks down along bio-kid lines everyone loses. EVERYONE.

At best, raising a blended family requires additional coping skills, additional maturity and additional resources of all types. Just as not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not every parent is cut out to be a step-parent. Simple fact.

Here’s the question you should be asking yourself – are you looking for a co-parent to help you raise your kids according to your shared values, or are you merely looking to fill a hole in your own personal life? If it’s the former then maybe you’ll have the interest to learn how to raise a blended family. If it’s the latter then bringing a guy into your household will only serve to divide your time and your loyalties to your own kids. You’d be doing everyone a huge favor by exercising some restraint.

[Bugs]

Remember when I said that some men should never get married or allow their girlfriends to have kids? Well, there’s a female corolary to that. Some single moms should never contemplate bringing another man in their lives until their kids are grown.

I got divorced when I was in my mid-30s and already had kids. I specifically sought out single moms to date because parenting skills were important to me and I wanted to see those skills in action before I committed. That, and I diodn’t want to have to deal with a biological clock at some point in the future. We’ve been together for 17 years and it’s been good for us. But I’ve seen other couples struggle.

Most guys are all about being fair and trying to treat kids in a blended family on as equal a basis as each kid will allow. Some kids naturally require more work and effort that others, but there still has to be a baseline to start from.

Many (not all) women are more about being nurturing and protective than they are about being fair and equitable and rational. I’ve seen several women struggle (and fail) at accepting some other woman’s kids as being equals to her own. There are a lot of double standards out there, and that invariably causes a tremendous amount of damage.

The adults have to be the team and stand against all the kids equally. When it breaks down along bio-kid lines everyone loses. EVERYONE.

At best, raising a blended family requires additional coping skills, additional maturity and additional resources of all types. Just as not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not every parent is cut out to be a step-parent. Simple fact.

Here’s the question you should be asking yourself – are you looking for a co-parent to help you raise your kids according to your shared values, or are you merely looking to fill a hole in your own personal life? If it’s the former then maybe you’ll have the interest to learn how to raise a blended family. If it’s the latter then bringing a guy into your household will only serve to divide your time and your loyalties to your own kids. You’d be doing everyone a huge favor by exercising some restraint.

[Bugs]

Remember when I said that some men should never get married or allow their girlfriends to have kids? Well, there’s a female corolary to that. Some single moms should never contemplate bringing another man in their lives until their kids are grown.

I got divorced when I was in my mid-30s and already had kids. I specifically sought out single moms to date because parenting skills were important to me and I wanted to see those skills in action before I committed. That, and I diodn’t want to have to deal with a biological clock at some point in the future. We’ve been together for 17 years and it’s been good for us. But I’ve seen other couples struggle.

Most guys are all about being fair and trying to treat kids in a blended family on as equal a basis as each kid will allow. Some kids naturally require more work and effort that others, but there still has to be a baseline to start from.

Many (not all) women are more about being nurturing and protective than they are about being fair and equitable and rational. I’ve seen several women struggle (and fail) at accepting some other woman’s kids as being equals to her own. There are a lot of double standards out there, and that invariably causes a tremendous amount of damage.

The adults have to be the team and stand against all the kids equally. When it breaks down along bio-kid lines everyone loses. EVERYONE.

At best, raising a blended family requires additional coping skills, additional maturity and additional resources of all types. Just as not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not every parent is cut out to be a step-parent. Simple fact.

Here’s the question you should be asking yourself – are you looking for a co-parent to help you raise your kids according to your shared values, or are you merely looking to fill a hole in your own personal life? If it’s the former then maybe you’ll have the interest to learn how to raise a blended family. If it’s the latter then bringing a guy into your household will only serve to divide your time and your loyalties to your own kids. You’d be doing everyone a huge favor by exercising some restraint.

[Bugs]

Remember when I said that some men should never get married or allow their girlfriends to have kids? Well, there’s a female corolary to that. Some single moms should never contemplate bringing another man in their lives until their kids are grown.

I got divorced when I was in my mid-30s and already had kids. I specifically sought out single moms to date because parenting skills were important to me and I wanted to see those skills in action before I committed. That, and I diodn’t want to have to deal with a biological clock at some point in the future. We’ve been together for 17 years and it’s been good for us. But I’ve seen other couples struggle.

Most guys are all about being fair and trying to treat kids in a blended family on as equal a basis as each kid will allow. Some kids naturally require more work and effort that others, but there still has to be a baseline to start from.

Many (not all) women are more about being nurturing and protective than they are about being fair and equitable and rational. I’ve seen several women struggle (and fail) at accepting some other woman’s kids as being equals to her own. There are a lot of double standards out there, and that invariably causes a tremendous amount of damage.

The adults have to be the team and stand against all the kids equally. When it breaks down along bio-kid lines everyone loses. EVERYONE.

At best, raising a blended family requires additional coping skills, additional maturity and additional resources of all types. Just as not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not every parent is cut out to be a step-parent. Simple fact.

Here’s the question you should be asking yourself – are you looking for a co-parent to help you raise your kids according to your shared values, or are you merely looking to fill a hole in your own personal life? If it’s the former then maybe you’ll have the interest to learn how to raise a blended family. If it’s the latter then bringing a guy into your household will only serve to divide your time and your loyalties to your own kids. You’d be doing everyone a huge favor by exercising some restraint.

[Author]

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