[CA renter]

[quote=NYMom]
Rest assured, having lived this for the last 12 years, I have thought of all of these scenarios, including and especially, the prospect of being “trapped” in CA with my children, should things not work out. Gaining the knowledge regarding how the courts view stay-at-home mothers, however, was definitely eye-opening, so thank you for that valuable commentary.

[/quote]

You’re not the only one who is/will be surprised by this. It’s a movement that’s been gaining momentum over the past 10-15 years. They call it the “Father’s Rights Movement,” but it’s really the second (and subsequent) wives who are the engine behind the whole thing. They didn’t like that the men they married still had obligations to their first families, so they’ve been pushing to reduce and eliminate alimony and child support payments to the first families. It has nothing at all to do with father’s rights, and everything to do with the greed of the women who knowingly take on a man with other obligations, then fight to eliminate those obligations to their other families.

And it’s disgusting that feminism — a movement that purports to help women — is actually behind pulling the rug out from under women. Funny how a movement that claims to advocate for women’s causes is leading the charge in denigrating the work that has traditionally been done by women. If they really wanted to advocate for women and women’s rights, they would officially recognize this work, impute a monetary value to it, and advocate for protections for the workers/women who do it.

[CA renter]

BG, if the CSU isn’t honoring those compacts, I’d think the parents should have the right to force it through legal means. It is unconscionable that the colleges would do this to these families. Not cool at all.

[CA renter]

Njtosd, it’s not that the husband is necessarily looking to dump his family or anything, but to force your spouse who is perfectly happy to move is asking a bit much when you’ve met in your current location and have been raising your children near family all these years.

I’m in the same boat as NYmom’s husband, but on a more local scale. Bought a house in SD in the late 90s only because it was near the bottom of the market and I wanted to sell it a few years later to get a bigger downpayment to buy a place up in LA. Commuted between the two cities (weekends here, rented a room from friends up there) for over 1 1/2 years. Then, met my DH and got engaged. He has an excellent job down here and never wanted to move back to LA, so we had to stay in SD. I have always wanted to move back to LA, but know that it wouldn’t be right to force my DH to do that, and we don’t even have any family down here like NYmom does back east. So I do understand both sides, but think that her husband is asking for too much of a sacrifice from NYmom and her family, including their kids.

In your case, it sounds like you were both on the same page which makes it a very different situation, IMHO.

But NYmom will probably appreciate your input after all we’ve said here.

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]i dont remember my dad ever apologizing to me. i remember thinking he was wrong about some stuff. can’t remember what.

there is something amazingly powerful about apologizing to a child. i can still remember their tiny serious faces listening intently, me wringing my hands in front of this tiny human, sweating, them forgiving me…

in sum, id say a good theory of parenting is not “love your child”, but instead to demonstrate in some way every day a deep respect and interest in the autonomy, individuality and thoughts of each child, even when little. also you have to feed them.

in this way, perhaps, they wont be fucked up int he head…

a persons a person no matter how small.. ..[/quote]

You need to put together a book of scaredy’s ponderings and observations. I love this stuff. Said it before, and I’ll say it again: Thank you for coming back, scaredy! Tell your wife that we’re sorry for taking up too much of your time, and we really appreciate her putting up with your time on the blog.

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]heres a marital tip; dont call your menopausal wife THE FLASH.[/quote]

Totally laughed out loud on that one! 🙂

[CA renter]

[quote=Blogstar]Actually, I think I am a better dad than you are , Scaredy.[/quote]

I think you both are great dads. Both of your family stories warm my heart. 🙂

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]

yeah, donald downers too. it’s not just women who can be downers. guys can be downers…

this would freak me out. i would not expect anyone to be happier post move than premove, and if he’s unhappy now, it’s not inconceivable he’ll b e unhappier later. maybe the problem isn’t the location, he reasons later, once he’s in the new location and finds himself no happier, maybe it’s this woman. then you’re the one trapped, just like he was “trapped” in NY. on the other hand, it really is terrible to emotionally negotiate and navigate witha legal compass such matters in what is theoretically at leasta completely 100% committed relationship. plotting and thinking about your next move within a legal framework ofrights and remedies sheesh. what kind of way is that to be married? you might as well be a litigant.

on the other ahnd, you’d be a fool not to think this through.

please dont take anything im saying as legal advice. consult with your own attorney versed in NY and CA family law in particular.

screw RE websites. go on one of those divorce chat groups and see if any alarm bells go off…[/quote]

Yes, I was including you in our “Debbie Downer” club, but if you want to go with a more gender-correct name, we can do that, too. 😉

Hope we didn’t bum NYmom out, as she simply came here for housing advice, but the additional info she gave indicated that there were other issues that needed to be worked out before choosing a new house.

[CA renter]

Agree with Brian and zk. It’s largely genetic, and parenting can only nudge things slightly in one direction or another.

I’ve seen kids of absolutely horrible parents (parents who literally pimped their daughter out in a trailer in their yard) turn their backs on all of that and become some of the best people you could ever meet…great parents to their own kids, too. I’ve also seen kids of parents who were extremely nurturing and caring, doing everything they could for their kids, and the kids turned out pretty rotten.

Now, I DO think that scaredy’s introspective nature and willingness to admit fault is a big deal when it comes to parenting. It’s important to be able to apologize properly when you’re wrong, and to give the kids credit when they’re right. And it’s important to be able to analyze long-held beliefs and change them when the reality on the ground tells you that you were wrong (even better if you can have a discussion with your kids about the entire experience and thought process). And I also think that homeschooling gives kids an incredibly safe, nurturing environment in which they can really thrive, develop their own likes and interests, and become self-confident in their own perceptions and beliefs.

So much of it is genetic, though, and I think that scaredy and his wife probably have some pretty decent genes, even if he’s a bit scrawny and weak by nature. 😉

Yeah, you’re an awesome parent, scaredy. Your love and passion for your kids comes through loud and clear. It’s a pleasure to read your posts about your family. 🙂

[CA renter]

[quote=flyer]Concerning the lifestyle in LA. Being an “insider,” my wife finds it interesting how the film business, once centered in LA and Hollywood, had mutated into a far more international platform than in past years–and that is changing the landscape of the cities themselves.

Right now, the focus for most film studios (major and independent) is China, where the box office take is projected to be in the billions in the near future and beyond, because they are building a mega number of new theaters, and most of our blockbusters play very well there.

As with all businesses, you have to follow the money, and although the US will always be a major contender, the international film market is already surpassing the domestic box office.[/quote]

Definitely a concern up there.

[CA renter]

[quote=FlyerInHi]

I agree.

There are more HOAs in San Diego. They like to trim… a job to do, monthly fees to collect.

I noticed that in newer cities, they trim trees a lot more… Irvine, San Diego, Dallas, etc.

The shopping centers like to keep things clear so people can see the signs.

I was in Pasadena not long ago. They have beautiful streets with oak canopies. In SD, developers plant cheap trees that are like Barbie doll trees.

I’m liking LA a lot more these days. I’m pretty mobile, so next year, I’ll look into moving to Hollywood. The area is gentrifying so I think it’s got a great future. there’s a metro.

Also, like you said, there’s a lot more money in LA. And a lot more to do.[/quote]

I think you’d do exceedingly well in LA, brian. As a single/childless person, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better place than LA (other than NYC). LA has an energy and sense of endless possibilities…SD doesn’t come anywhere close to it.

We were just up there again a couple of days ago, and the coffee shops are jammed at 11:00 p.m., and everyone is having interesting intellectual conversations. Down here, especially in our area, the coffee shops are dead by 4:00 p.m. and closed by 8:00 p.m. If you can manage to find people who are having a discussion, it’s usually about kids and other domestic stuff. 🙁

[CA renter]

[quote=bearishgurl]…In your case, divorce would be much, much more expensive than an interstate move and our domestic courts in CA urban coastal counties have a minimum two-year wait for trial. In any case, CA law favors a 50/50 child custody timeshare between parents (if contested) and the courts prefer both parents working and filing income and expense declarations before they will issue permanent support orders. Suffice to say your life will change 180 degrees if you split up after moving here due to you both not being on the same page with one another. If this happens, you could lose your freedom to move back home (unless you want to go back alone) and your case could easily get drawn out for YEARS. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to go there!
[/quote]

Excellent point, BG. This could end up being a HUGE deal where NYmom would lose, big time, if she were to move out here and subsequently divorce while in CA. She could find herself in a position where she might never again be able to have her kids and family in the same state, at least not full-time. Potentially giving up this right needs to be fully thought out before any decisions are made.

It sucks that some of us sound like Debbie Downers, but it’s this sort of gut-wrenching truth that can (hopefully) help people make fully informed decisions.

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]
I’m not saying splitting up is inevitable, but that unhappiness breeds on these illdefined unexamined feelings of dissatisfaction, and resentments build, and you know, you ahve kids, and your worried about the kids, and frankly, as a guy, it can get old..what about me? i like my kids, sure, but what about me? thats what he’s thinking. thats what i was thinking. thats what a lot of guys think…

[/quote]

Just think…women are almost always the ones “trapped” at home with a bunch of small kids while the men are out enjoying their hobbies and “hanging with the guys” (you know, because they deserve it after “working so hard” while the women stay home and “do nothing”). You think major resentment isn’t building up in many women, too? IMO, this is why you often see the women initiating divorce when the youngest hits eighteen. It’s like they’ve been chomping at the bit for years. Most men take care of themselves just fine; it’s the women who usually give up everything that mattered to them before marriage/kids.

And I agree very much with the rest of your post, too. This is a very difficult situation, and resentment is likely either way.

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic][quote=NYMom]He’s lived here for close to 15 years now and has hated it from the start. It was supposed to be a temporary move for work, but the co. took off and then we met. He’s been wanting to go back for about 8 years now. He’s just very unhappy here. Doesn’t like “the lifestyle,” the weather, or pretty much anything. He feels like he’s waited long enough, worked hard, and should be able to live where he wants to finally.[/quote]

Dudes making $, lives in an awesome spot, but doesn’t like the lifestyle?

I think you guys need to sign up for my intensive counseling course before any big moves.[/quote]

Scaredy is joking a bit here, but I think he has a very valid point. You both should probably take more time to really think about what it is he wants to change. Based on what you’ve posted, it just doesn’t sound as though moving out here would be an improvement in any way (except for the weather, perhaps). It might not be a bad idea to talk to a counselor about this; it’s a big move that will cost a lot of money, and it might create some major resentments and problems if it doesn’t work out as he had hoped.

[CA renter]

[quote=NYMom]Thanks for replying. Husband is from North Hollywood, his Mom is still there. And NOT in a fun, NOHO part. He would never move back to the Valley, and I really don’t like it either. When we visit, we drive over the hill almost daily or head to South Pas to eat, shop etc. I have looked at Calabasas, but shied away for those exact reasons you mentioned. That’s why I had hoped Thousand Oaks could be the answer, but neither of us liked it there.

He’s in Finance, but is in between jobs now and could switch careers altogether if he wanted to. If he had to be in LA for work, that would obviously affect the LA or OC decision, but he prefers to live in OC. Santa Monica I think is his ideal but he knows how important being on a bigger lot is to me, I’m just not willing to compromise, no matter how awesome the house or the neighborhood is, if I’m on top of my neighbors I will be miserable.[/quote]

Totally understand. People from the Valley tend to either love it or hate it…very little in between.

Both my DH and I were born and raised in the SFV. He couldn’t get out fast enough — left the week after he graduated from HS, and never looked back. I came down here because housing was more affordable (for similar homes…but didn’t realize the job market was so poor), but have yearned to go back ever since. We’re up there often, and I always feel a bit sad when we have to come back down to SD.

And there are way more trees in LA than in SD. It’s weird…people in San Diego seem to have something against trees. They cut them down every chance they get, probably because everything is on a hill here and the trees block the views. Some think trees are “dirty” because the leaves fall. Very strange…and sad, IMO.

[CA renter]

[quote=bearishgurl]

CAR, those were absolutely beautiful links. Thanks for sharing!

I s-o-o-o wished my college-bound kid would have been accepted into a particular program at CSUN but they didn’t quite make it (likely due to intense competition from their “service area” HS graduates). That area would have been a GREAT area for internships and jobs fresh out of college, as well.

They’re going to apply again for their junior year. Onward and upward :)[/quote]

Yep, I figured you would like those since we tend to have the same taste in housing. 🙂

How about having your kid go to one of the local community colleges and then transferring to CSUN?

There are lots of jobs up there, especially when compared to SD County, so they could work their way through college and get that incredibly valuable work experience while they go through college (that work experience ended up being more valuable to me than my college education).

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