Would you settle or break up?

[njtosd]

Wait. Are you telling me you’re afraid that she’s going to yell at you or cry? (I assume you’re a guy.) Maybe she will – that’s understandable. Since you are posting on this board and people are talking marriage I assume that you are an adult. If you fear violence, this is a different matter.

I think you are being selfish and are afraid of feeling bad. Actually, showing those things would probably be helpful. Women are kind of turned off by selfish and fearful, so it probably will make the break up easier on her.

This is not personal – but my guess is that in a month or two she will be over this. Yes, facing people is uncomfortable, but it is how we behave at difficult times that defines us. Plus, she deserves the chance to find someone with whom she can enjoy a relationship where feelings are mutual.

[scaredyclassic]

In your defense, it socks disappointing peoole. But on the scale of disappointments the break up is like a 2.4 compared to the failed marriage which will be in the high 9s.

[paramount]

a pic might be helpful…

[flyer]

From my own experience, and in observing friend’s relationships, I’ve noticed that when both parties have lots of options regarding “significant others,” there seems to be less drama in a breakup, than when one or both might be considered to be in the “desperate” category.

My wife and I met in high school, dated, went to college, broke up, dated other amazing people, and, in the end, found that what we had in the beginning was, in fact, the “real thing.” 30 years of marriage later, it still is.

I asked my wife to read this thread, and she said that, in her opinion, but not to be construed as advice, you’d probably be doing your “significant other” a favor to break up with her–but don’t be surprised if she finds someone better.

[njtosd]

[quote=flyer] …..

I asked my wife to read this thread, and she said that, in her opinion, but not to be construed as advice, you’d probably be doing your “significant other” a favor to break up with her–but don’t be surprised if she finds someone better.[/quote]

Snicker. +1

[CA renter]

[quote=njtosd][quote=flyer] …..

I asked my wife to read this thread, and she said that, in her opinion, but not to be construed as advice, you’d probably be doing your “significant other” a favor to break up with her–but don’t be surprised if she finds someone better.[/quote]

Snicker. +1[/quote]

X2 🙂

[CA renter]

You’ve got to be kidding, Kev! After all the discussion in the other thread, one would think this should be an absolute no-brainer for you. NEVER marry someone for any reason other than your desperate desire to spend every day of the rest of your life with her. To do anything else will land you smack dab in the middle of that other thread.

And next time you start dating a woman, make clear before you have any kind of sexual contact with her what you expect from the relationship. It sounds like you might have been leading this girl on, based on what you’ve written here.

If you’re looking for something casual without any kind of long-term commitment, then say so. There are plenty of women out there who are perfectly comfortable with this. That way, you’re interests will be better aligned and you should be able to avoid situations like the one you’re describing here. No harm, no foul.

If, OTOH, you’re seriously thinking about getting married and are looking for “the right one,” then say that you’re not opposed to marriage, but are looking for the right person, and once you determine that the person you’re dating is NOT “the one,” break it up at that very moment. It is not your right to waste a woman’s most precious years when she is most likely to find her “right one.” That’s an opportunity cost that few women can afford.

Never string a person along with hints or suggestions that you want to marry her (without any intention of really doing so) just because you’re afraid of being alone or not finding something better. That is totally uncool. As Joe said above, it’s very rarely a matter of timing; more often than not, it’s not the right person. I’ve seen the most dedicated bachelors marry, usually in a surprisingly short time, when they’ve found the right person. You should be able to weed out the ones who are NOT right within the first 6-9 months. Cut it off at that point, and move on; it’s much more humane for everyone involved. If you meet the right one, I’m willing to bet you will know it within a year.

Let someone go as soon as you discover she’s definitely not the one with whom you want to spend **every day of every year for the rest of your life.** (Unless you’ve disclosed to her up front that you’re not looking for anything serious, of course.) And realize that looks will absolutely fade over time in every single case, and what you’re left with is the person’s character. Her personality and character will matter more than anything else in the long run. If there is one thing I have heard consistently from every single happily married couple of many decades, it’s that their spouse is their very best friend in the whole world, and it’s this intense and loyal friendship that makes the marriage happy and strong. Focus on this, and the rest will fall into place, IMHO. Marriage is for the long haul; choose wisely.

Be honest and forthright in everything you do WRT other people, and let them know exactly where you stand from day one. Demand the same from them. That way, if you’re really turned off by women who are looking to marry, you can weed them out on the first date (and they can weed out the ones who are afraid of marriage, as well).

Good luck!

[Coronita]

Just don’t call it a breakup.. Call it “you want time off”….

[Coronita]

This might help:

[Coronita]

.

[FlyerInHi]

Realistically, any contract you enter into is a compromise, or settling.

Just make sure it’s the best deal you can negotiate. It you can do better, then move on. Otherwise, keep what you have.

[kev374]

missing a lot of contextual info here… again there is a stereotype here. Why do people automatically assume that the man is stringing the woman along? Some women choose to wait despite knowing that the man is unsure about her… is that then the man’s fault?

If the man is promising marriage then it is stringing along but if the man is candidly telling the woman that he is not sure about marriage and does not know when he is going to be sure then it is the woman’s responsibility as an adult to take whatever meaning from that and make choices about her own life. If she considers waiting to be a waste of her valuable years then she should just move on instead of staying with the man and then harassing him.

The whole purpose of dating is to evaluate IF you want to marry OR NOT. It’s not some automatic thing like “oh we completed 2 years now and you’re not marrying me so you’re a JERK”.

In addition sometimes things can come up later, say after a year and a half together, that may have not been apparent in 6-9 months (like one person said here that period should be enough to know if you want to marry someone or not!!)… people date for 2-3 years and still end up divorced because they didn’t fully evaluate all the things that could cause issues long term.

Nobody forces the other to stay in a relationship against their will, it is up to them to decide whether they want to wait for a positive decision or to move on.

[Hobie]

Are you living together? Makes it a bit tougher. Dude. Man up! If your gut is telling you no, go with it. You are tangentially suggesting she may be crazy so even more reason to get out before kids and halving your net worth. Still luv ya dude 🙂

[CA renter]

[quote=kev374]missing a lot of contextual info here… again there is a stereotype here. Why do people automatically assume that the man is stringing the woman along? Some women choose to wait despite knowing that the man is unsure about her… is that then the man’s fault?

If the man is promising marriage then it is stringing along but if the man is candidly telling the woman that he is not sure about marriage and does not know when he is going to be sure then it is the woman’s responsibility as an adult to take whatever meaning from that and make choices about her own life. If she considers waiting to be a waste of her valuable years then she should just move on instead of staying with the man and then harassing him.

The whole purpose of dating is to evaluate IF you want to marry OR NOT. It’s not some automatic thing like “oh we completed 2 years now and you’re not marrying me so you’re a JERK”.

In addition sometimes things can come up later, say after a year and a half together, that may have not been apparent in 6-9 months (like one person said here that period should be enough to know if you want to marry someone or not!!)… people date for 2-3 years and still end up divorced because they didn’t fully evaluate all the things that could cause issues long term.

Nobody forces the other to stay in a relationship against their will, it is up to them to decide whether they want to wait for a positive decision or to move on.[/quote]

I was just going from what you’ve said about her likely reaction to your news. If you’ve been fully honest with her from day one, then it’s all good.

[kev374]

[quote=CA renter]
I was just going from what you’ve said about her likely reaction to your news. If you’ve been fully honest with her from day one, then it’s all good.[/quote]

2 months ago she asked me to move in with her and I refused and said I do not want to do it because incase we breakup I don’t want it to be complicated.

Let me ask you, if a man says after 2 years that they are NOT going to move in with you what message does it send you? As a logical person you make the determination. Does it give the message that I am going head over heels about someone? Or does it give you the message that I have doubts about the relationship? I don’t think one has to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out!

It’s my life and I reserve the right to be indecisive for any length of time as long as I don’t make false promises. As I said it’s upto someone to move on or continue knowing that they could be wasting their time.

And I may be wasting my time as well but obviously I think it’s worth it to stick around to see if my feelings about the situation change. One may feel it’s worth sticking around and the other may not feel it’s ok and that is fine.

What is NOT ok is to know the other person is unsure and then stay with that person and then make them feel bad that they are not proposing marriage and trying to guilt them or rush them into marriage… THAT is what is wrong.

[Author]

Posts