Would you settle or break up?

[kev374]

If you were with someone for 2 or 3 years, co-mingled your friends etc. and experiencing high pressure to get married not only from your mate but your family and friends circle, however IF you suddenly feel that you would like to go a different course solo and break up…how would you go about the break up?

[spdrun]

Hard question! Depends whether her father owned a Daisy Air Rifle, a 12-ga shotgun, or a Kalaschnikov.

[Huckleberry]

I definitely wouldn’t settle, NEVER settle!

Hell just reflect back on your own recent post about Divorce Corp. – http://piggington.com/divorce_corp

Why would anyone even consider settling just to make others happy? You have only so many years to make yourself happy, don’t waste them.

Regarding the friends, pick the ones you like best and lay claim to them, especially if you met them first. Now if your “significant other” met them first you should respect that and let them lay claim to those friends.

About how to do it? Just be honest and tell them you’re not happy and don’t feel comfortable dealing with the constant pressure to marry. Many times the pressure coming from your significant other has an ulterior motive that is not communicated, often that motivation is to start cranking out babies.

One more note, with every couple I have experienced that recently get married, children are ALWAYS the next logical step (especially for females) and you can count on the family starting within 1-2 years following the wedding. Make sure this is what you are looking for.

Good luck…

[kev374]

①Do not want to settle at all, but breaking up sucks, you disappoint a lot of people and approaching the subject can be terrible when your partner is a very melodramatic type

[scaredyclassic]

break up. it’s not time.

[joec]

A lot of these questions and answers are probably due to probably 1 person not being at that point in time to want to get married and looking for a certain/different lifestyle.

We all grow up expecting how our lives should be and if you’re “forced” or “pressured” into getting married when you really don’t want to be married, I would give you guys probably 5 years before a divorce does happen.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that even though you maybe perfect for someone, maybe at this point in time, you guys aren’t really heading in the same journey or looking at the same things from life.

You or whoever wants to know should definitely discuss kids as well and when since kids are a massive sacrifice in terms of lifestyle (you have none for a while) and are insanely expensive…

Kids alone is a deal breaker IMO since your life will change too much if 1 person wants that responsibility and 1 doesn’t. You don’t want a kid stuck in there to parents who don’t want them.

As for the friends, I’d guess you’d know which friend will go where, but it’ll probably be messy and you might have to start over if people “take” the other person’s side. This is pretty tough as making friends are hard to begin with…

Just get married for the right reasons and don’t do it because it’s time. If someone dated for a very long time, maybe it’s not a matter of not wanting to marry, it’s just that they don’t want to marry that person and delay.

It’s REALLY hard to fight all the pressure from her/everyone around you, and you may make it and get on the same page again eventually, but marriage is tough enough without this “marry me or we’re breaking up deal…”

People do make it of course, but if you’re pretty against it, then that’s probably your gut telling you something.

[njtosd]

Why are you asking this question? I think you’re looking for people who don’t know you to back you up, which is silly. But in case that’s not true, here’s how you do it:

You arrange to meet the person privately and explain your feelings honestly and compassionately. And then you live with the consequences of your decision without being petty or weak.

It seems to me that someone who knows how to date someone for 2-3 years should know how to express their feelings to that person. If not, maybe the problem is more complicated than you think.

[kev374]

[quote=njtosd]
It seems to me that someone who knows how to date someone for 2-3 years should know how to express their feelings to that person. If not, maybe the problem is more complicated than you think.[/quote]

It’s not that simple in all cases. Sometimes people will react very badly because they are unable or unwilling to digest the information even if you are being candid.

Communicating something like a breakup is hard enough to do but makes it that much more difficult and worse when the other person is not mature enough to deal with the situation in a controlled way.

[paramount]

More than likely your friends are right.

[scaredyclassic]

Give me her number.

I’ll break it to her.

[moneymaker]

Of all the breakups I’ve had, I now realize that none of them would have worked long term. Each person was “special” to me, but even that 1 in a million, if it’s not right, then it won’t last. Watch a bunch of 2 1/2 men (the old ones with Charlie) and see what feels right to you. Time heals everything, so if you have to go hide out somewhere so be it, just kidding. Try to be mature even if they won’t be. Remember make up sex can be pretty good too!

[FlyerInHi]

Break up by text. Say “it’s me, not you.”

[NotCranky]

If it came on “suddenly” , I would think maybe I was a chicken, getting cold feet and if it came on suddenly after 3 years I am not sure I would blame the other person for being immature. They may be, 3 years is a long time many pretty mature people would have some difficulty. Maybe the person who has this sudden change thing happen is immature too. So that maybe is a good reason to take a step back and see what comes of it. Maybe you will do some soul searching that can’t happen without the separation and maybe the whole thing would be a relief , but you can’t know.

My friends (I am not too involved with my family) were pretty good judges of the women I dated. They liked my wife as an individual and for me right away.
They were right.

[zk]

[quote=kev374][quote=njtosd]
It seems to me that someone who knows how to date someone for 2-3 years should know how to express their feelings to that person. If not, maybe the problem is more complicated than you think.[/quote]

It’s not that simple in all cases. Sometimes people will react very badly because they are unable or unwilling to digest the information even if you are being candid.

Communicating something like a breakup is hard enough to do but makes it that much more difficult and worse when the other person is not mature enough to deal with the situation in a controlled way.[/quote]

The fallout of a breakup won’t last very long. A month? A year? A week? A marriage – to a person whom you consider immature and have trouble communicating with – and that you entered in order to avoid a relatively short period of angst – and the following (not-unlikely) divorce has the potential to last for tortuous decades.

That’s like Homer in an episode of the Simpsons. He’s about to commit some kind of caper. In order to not leave fingerprints, he’s grinding off his finger prints with a power tool, which is obviously causing him great pain. He’s screaming loudly in pain. It occurs to him that he could just wear gloves. He says to himself, referring to the gloves: “Ah, they’re upstairs.” And he then continues grinding his fingerprints off and screaming in pain.

Your decision to marry to avoid the pain of breaking up would be like Homer’s decision to grind off his fingertips because he didn’t want to climb a flight of stairs. Only way stupider.

[zk]

dup

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