OT: Anyone hear the NPR interview about the person getting dependant care coverage from parents

[UCGal]

My mom’s cousin is a nurse who switched from being an ER nurse to being a home-care hospice pediatric nurse. It was a HUGE mindshift for her. And many medical personel can’t make the switch.

Hospital care, traditional medicine, is about doing whatever it takes, applying whatever technology can make an improvement, with less regard to the quality of life of the patient and family’s morale.

Doctors are totally in control in the traditional medicine mindset. Patients are not in the power position.

In hospice – the patient and their family is in control. They can make choices that may have a negative impact on time-till-death but a positive impact on happiness and emotional well being. My cousin had to advocate for a young boy with cancer to be able to join the cubscouts and go camping. (He really wanted to have some “normal boy” experiences – not live in a bubble.) The doctor felt it was too risky because of his weakened immune system. My cousin, the parents, and the boy were able to override the doctor because the boy was in a hospice program. Hospice is about pain management and quality of life, not life extension.

After her 20 years as an ER nurse, she LOVED being a hospice nurse. Even though the outcome was pre-determined (patients were terminal) it was about empowering the patient to live their remaining time as they wanted.

When my brother was nearing the end he was on the cusp of going into hospice. The transition was in place when he was told he could get an appt to a specialist he’d been trying to get in with. He was not allowed to do hospice if he saw the specialist because they were in conflict. As a family member, I wish he’d chosen hospice – he ended up spending his remaining weeks going through extreme surgeries and in the ICU and never made it back home. But it was his choice to make.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=UCGal]My mom’s cousin is a nurse who switched from being an ER nurse to being a home-care hospice pediatric nurse. It was a HUGE mindshift for her. And many medical personel can’t make the switch.

Hospital care, traditional medicine, is about doing whatever it takes, applying whatever technology can make an improvement, with less regard to the quality of life of the patient and family’s morale.

Doctors are totally in control in the traditional medicine mindset. Patients are not in the power position.

In hospice – the patient and their family is in control. They can make choices that may have a negative impact on time-till-death but a positive impact on happiness and emotional well being. My cousin had to advocate for a young boy with cancer to be able to join the cubscouts and go camping. (He really wanted to have some “normal boy” experiences – not live in a bubble.) The doctor felt it was too risky because of his weakened immune system. My cousin, the parents, and the boy were able to override the doctor because the boy was in a hospice program. Hospice is about pain management and quality of life, not life extension.

After her 20 years as an ER nurse, she LOVED being a hospice nurse. Even though the outcome was pre-determined (patients were terminal) it was about empowering the patient to live their remaining time as they wanted.

When my brother was nearing the end he was on the cusp of going into hospice. The transition was in place when he was told he could get an appt to a specialist he’d been trying to get in with. He was not allowed to do hospice if he saw the specialist because they were in conflict. As a family member, I wish he’d chosen hospice – he ended up spending his remaining weeks going through extreme surgeries and in the ICU and never made it back home. But it was his choice to make.[/quote]

I cannot say enough good things about hospice. As I mentioned in a post the other day, people (esp. Americans) are very much into “control” over their circumstances, and there’s never a time that you feel less in control than when you are very sick or dying.

You really need to learn “how to be sick”. I know that sounds stupid, but illness isn’t a natural state for most people, and not adjusting to the state of illness can be seriously detrimental to both the patient and his/her loved ones. Hospice care is really good for this. As you related, UC Gal, it’s a 180 degree departure from the traditional hospital medicine model. It doesn’t surprise me at all that many medical personnel cannot make the transition, which is really too bad. Many hospice-related concepts can be beneficially applied to traditional inpatient care.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=UCGal]My mom’s cousin is a nurse who switched from being an ER nurse to being a home-care hospice pediatric nurse. It was a HUGE mindshift for her. And many medical personel can’t make the switch.

Hospital care, traditional medicine, is about doing whatever it takes, applying whatever technology can make an improvement, with less regard to the quality of life of the patient and family’s morale.

Doctors are totally in control in the traditional medicine mindset. Patients are not in the power position.

In hospice – the patient and their family is in control. They can make choices that may have a negative impact on time-till-death but a positive impact on happiness and emotional well being. My cousin had to advocate for a young boy with cancer to be able to join the cubscouts and go camping. (He really wanted to have some “normal boy” experiences – not live in a bubble.) The doctor felt it was too risky because of his weakened immune system. My cousin, the parents, and the boy were able to override the doctor because the boy was in a hospice program. Hospice is about pain management and quality of life, not life extension.

After her 20 years as an ER nurse, she LOVED being a hospice nurse. Even though the outcome was pre-determined (patients were terminal) it was about empowering the patient to live their remaining time as they wanted.

When my brother was nearing the end he was on the cusp of going into hospice. The transition was in place when he was told he could get an appt to a specialist he’d been trying to get in with. He was not allowed to do hospice if he saw the specialist because they were in conflict. As a family member, I wish he’d chosen hospice – he ended up spending his remaining weeks going through extreme surgeries and in the ICU and never made it back home. But it was his choice to make.[/quote]

I cannot say enough good things about hospice. As I mentioned in a post the other day, people (esp. Americans) are very much into “control” over their circumstances, and there’s never a time that you feel less in control than when you are very sick or dying.

You really need to learn “how to be sick”. I know that sounds stupid, but illness isn’t a natural state for most people, and not adjusting to the state of illness can be seriously detrimental to both the patient and his/her loved ones. Hospice care is really good for this. As you related, UC Gal, it’s a 180 degree departure from the traditional hospital medicine model. It doesn’t surprise me at all that many medical personnel cannot make the transition, which is really too bad. Many hospice-related concepts can be beneficially applied to traditional inpatient care.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=UCGal]My mom’s cousin is a nurse who switched from being an ER nurse to being a home-care hospice pediatric nurse. It was a HUGE mindshift for her. And many medical personel can’t make the switch.

Hospital care, traditional medicine, is about doing whatever it takes, applying whatever technology can make an improvement, with less regard to the quality of life of the patient and family’s morale.

Doctors are totally in control in the traditional medicine mindset. Patients are not in the power position.

In hospice – the patient and their family is in control. They can make choices that may have a negative impact on time-till-death but a positive impact on happiness and emotional well being. My cousin had to advocate for a young boy with cancer to be able to join the cubscouts and go camping. (He really wanted to have some “normal boy” experiences – not live in a bubble.) The doctor felt it was too risky because of his weakened immune system. My cousin, the parents, and the boy were able to override the doctor because the boy was in a hospice program. Hospice is about pain management and quality of life, not life extension.

After her 20 years as an ER nurse, she LOVED being a hospice nurse. Even though the outcome was pre-determined (patients were terminal) it was about empowering the patient to live their remaining time as they wanted.

When my brother was nearing the end he was on the cusp of going into hospice. The transition was in place when he was told he could get an appt to a specialist he’d been trying to get in with. He was not allowed to do hospice if he saw the specialist because they were in conflict. As a family member, I wish he’d chosen hospice – he ended up spending his remaining weeks going through extreme surgeries and in the ICU and never made it back home. But it was his choice to make.[/quote]

I cannot say enough good things about hospice. As I mentioned in a post the other day, people (esp. Americans) are very much into “control” over their circumstances, and there’s never a time that you feel less in control than when you are very sick or dying.

You really need to learn “how to be sick”. I know that sounds stupid, but illness isn’t a natural state for most people, and not adjusting to the state of illness can be seriously detrimental to both the patient and his/her loved ones. Hospice care is really good for this. As you related, UC Gal, it’s a 180 degree departure from the traditional hospital medicine model. It doesn’t surprise me at all that many medical personnel cannot make the transition, which is really too bad. Many hospice-related concepts can be beneficially applied to traditional inpatient care.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=UCGal]My mom’s cousin is a nurse who switched from being an ER nurse to being a home-care hospice pediatric nurse. It was a HUGE mindshift for her. And many medical personel can’t make the switch.

Hospital care, traditional medicine, is about doing whatever it takes, applying whatever technology can make an improvement, with less regard to the quality of life of the patient and family’s morale.

Doctors are totally in control in the traditional medicine mindset. Patients are not in the power position.

In hospice – the patient and their family is in control. They can make choices that may have a negative impact on time-till-death but a positive impact on happiness and emotional well being. My cousin had to advocate for a young boy with cancer to be able to join the cubscouts and go camping. (He really wanted to have some “normal boy” experiences – not live in a bubble.) The doctor felt it was too risky because of his weakened immune system. My cousin, the parents, and the boy were able to override the doctor because the boy was in a hospice program. Hospice is about pain management and quality of life, not life extension.

After her 20 years as an ER nurse, she LOVED being a hospice nurse. Even though the outcome was pre-determined (patients were terminal) it was about empowering the patient to live their remaining time as they wanted.

When my brother was nearing the end he was on the cusp of going into hospice. The transition was in place when he was told he could get an appt to a specialist he’d been trying to get in with. He was not allowed to do hospice if he saw the specialist because they were in conflict. As a family member, I wish he’d chosen hospice – he ended up spending his remaining weeks going through extreme surgeries and in the ICU and never made it back home. But it was his choice to make.[/quote]

I cannot say enough good things about hospice. As I mentioned in a post the other day, people (esp. Americans) are very much into “control” over their circumstances, and there’s never a time that you feel less in control than when you are very sick or dying.

You really need to learn “how to be sick”. I know that sounds stupid, but illness isn’t a natural state for most people, and not adjusting to the state of illness can be seriously detrimental to both the patient and his/her loved ones. Hospice care is really good for this. As you related, UC Gal, it’s a 180 degree departure from the traditional hospital medicine model. It doesn’t surprise me at all that many medical personnel cannot make the transition, which is really too bad. Many hospice-related concepts can be beneficially applied to traditional inpatient care.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=UCGal]My mom’s cousin is a nurse who switched from being an ER nurse to being a home-care hospice pediatric nurse. It was a HUGE mindshift for her. And many medical personel can’t make the switch.

Hospital care, traditional medicine, is about doing whatever it takes, applying whatever technology can make an improvement, with less regard to the quality of life of the patient and family’s morale.

Doctors are totally in control in the traditional medicine mindset. Patients are not in the power position.

In hospice – the patient and their family is in control. They can make choices that may have a negative impact on time-till-death but a positive impact on happiness and emotional well being. My cousin had to advocate for a young boy with cancer to be able to join the cubscouts and go camping. (He really wanted to have some “normal boy” experiences – not live in a bubble.) The doctor felt it was too risky because of his weakened immune system. My cousin, the parents, and the boy were able to override the doctor because the boy was in a hospice program. Hospice is about pain management and quality of life, not life extension.

After her 20 years as an ER nurse, she LOVED being a hospice nurse. Even though the outcome was pre-determined (patients were terminal) it was about empowering the patient to live their remaining time as they wanted.

When my brother was nearing the end he was on the cusp of going into hospice. The transition was in place when he was told he could get an appt to a specialist he’d been trying to get in with. He was not allowed to do hospice if he saw the specialist because they were in conflict. As a family member, I wish he’d chosen hospice – he ended up spending his remaining weeks going through extreme surgeries and in the ICU and never made it back home. But it was his choice to make.[/quote]

I cannot say enough good things about hospice. As I mentioned in a post the other day, people (esp. Americans) are very much into “control” over their circumstances, and there’s never a time that you feel less in control than when you are very sick or dying.

You really need to learn “how to be sick”. I know that sounds stupid, but illness isn’t a natural state for most people, and not adjusting to the state of illness can be seriously detrimental to both the patient and his/her loved ones. Hospice care is really good for this. As you related, UC Gal, it’s a 180 degree departure from the traditional hospital medicine model. It doesn’t surprise me at all that many medical personnel cannot make the transition, which is really too bad. Many hospice-related concepts can be beneficially applied to traditional inpatient care.

[CA renter]

Great thread, and really enjoyed your insights, UCGal and eavesdropper.

UCGal,

Being a “home-care hospice pediatric nurse” must be unbelievably tough (as is E.R.), but it’s so wonderful to know that people are willing to take on this very important task.

Like you and eaves, I have very positive things to say about hospice care. My mom had hospice care for the last couple of months of her life, and it couldn’t have been better. They even reach out to family members after the patient has passed, offering counseling and group sessions (even walks, with my mom’s hospice organization).

It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.

[CA renter]

Great thread, and really enjoyed your insights, UCGal and eavesdropper.

UCGal,

Being a “home-care hospice pediatric nurse” must be unbelievably tough (as is E.R.), but it’s so wonderful to know that people are willing to take on this very important task.

Like you and eaves, I have very positive things to say about hospice care. My mom had hospice care for the last couple of months of her life, and it couldn’t have been better. They even reach out to family members after the patient has passed, offering counseling and group sessions (even walks, with my mom’s hospice organization).

It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.

[CA renter]

Great thread, and really enjoyed your insights, UCGal and eavesdropper.

UCGal,

Being a “home-care hospice pediatric nurse” must be unbelievably tough (as is E.R.), but it’s so wonderful to know that people are willing to take on this very important task.

Like you and eaves, I have very positive things to say about hospice care. My mom had hospice care for the last couple of months of her life, and it couldn’t have been better. They even reach out to family members after the patient has passed, offering counseling and group sessions (even walks, with my mom’s hospice organization).

It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.

[CA renter]

Great thread, and really enjoyed your insights, UCGal and eavesdropper.

UCGal,

Being a “home-care hospice pediatric nurse” must be unbelievably tough (as is E.R.), but it’s so wonderful to know that people are willing to take on this very important task.

Like you and eaves, I have very positive things to say about hospice care. My mom had hospice care for the last couple of months of her life, and it couldn’t have been better. They even reach out to family members after the patient has passed, offering counseling and group sessions (even walks, with my mom’s hospice organization).

It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.

[CA renter]

Great thread, and really enjoyed your insights, UCGal and eavesdropper.

UCGal,

Being a “home-care hospice pediatric nurse” must be unbelievably tough (as is E.R.), but it’s so wonderful to know that people are willing to take on this very important task.

Like you and eaves, I have very positive things to say about hospice care. My mom had hospice care for the last couple of months of her life, and it couldn’t have been better. They even reach out to family members after the patient has passed, offering counseling and group sessions (even walks, with my mom’s hospice organization).

It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=CA renter] It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.[/quote]

It seems to me that our society seems to have moved in the direction of assuming that there is a proscribed way of dealing with each and every situation, and there isn’t room for more than one type of emotion. If one doesn’t follow the “script”, it makes him/her a “bad” person.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with the process of dying, and it’s not unusual to experience conflicting emotions. The way in which a person dies can very definitely affect the way in which their loved ones mourn. Very often, relatives of people who die after a protracted illness experience guilt because they feel feel relief after the patient dies, or they don’t have a profound sense of grief. What they don’t realize is that they have been mourning the loss of that person for some time; the person they knew and loved and with whom they shared wonderful times has been gone for some time now. They *have* grieved – it’s just that their grieving period was longer than usual, and much of it took place prior to their loved one’s physical passing.

When a person dies unexpectedly, even when they are older, it’s always a shock, and so the emotions are more “compacted” and intense. Very often, the grief is compounded by feelings that we shortchanged the deceased in some way, and that there is no way to make reparations now.

Then there are those times when the deceased is a not-so-nice individual who made the lives of all those around him/her a living hell. I knew someone like this years ago, and – call me a heartless bitch – the nicest thing he ever did for anyone was die. He physically and emotionally abused his wife and children: he continued to beat his daughters well into adulthood, and emotionally tortured his entire family until he no longer was physically able to. The funeral was an interesting experience: you would have thought this guy was competition for Bill Cosby the way his daughters talked. And they kept wailing, over and over, “What is Mom going to do now without Dad.” My first and only thought was, “She’s going to be able to breathe for the first time in forty years.” The widow was the only one who appeared to be dealing in reality: she was “old school” and would never have thought to criticize her deceased husband or air his dirty laundry, but she could not shed tears or publicly express sorrow she didn’t feel. She was quietly respectful at the wake and at the funeral, however, I remember her kids criticizing her because she wasn’t wearing widow’s weeds and openly sobbing over the loss of her husband.

I know that many people believe that my generation (Boomers) are a self-involved lot. That may well be true, and, with any luck, Boomers will engage in a study of the last stage of their lives – dying. Perhaps it will result in people losing some of their fears and their denial, and perhaps engage in some proactive planning for that time in their lives.

Unfortunately, I also believe that my generation has been very selfish in not planning properly for its aging. There have been major societal shifts at the various life stages due to the immense size of the Boomer population, and the aging of Boomers will be no different. Unfortunately, it will be a shift that will place an enormous economic hardship on the nation, and coming on the heels of this financial debacle, I’m not holding out much hope that the younger generations will be kindly disposed toward our needs during this time. There is still some time to address the healthcare aspect, but between the vicious infighting among ambitious lawmakers and the aspirations of the major political parties, it will take a miracle to accomplish that.

I’m signing up for swimming marathon training, and laying in a supply of life jackets while waiting for this tsunami.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=CA renter] It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.[/quote]

It seems to me that our society seems to have moved in the direction of assuming that there is a proscribed way of dealing with each and every situation, and there isn’t room for more than one type of emotion. If one doesn’t follow the “script”, it makes him/her a “bad” person.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with the process of dying, and it’s not unusual to experience conflicting emotions. The way in which a person dies can very definitely affect the way in which their loved ones mourn. Very often, relatives of people who die after a protracted illness experience guilt because they feel feel relief after the patient dies, or they don’t have a profound sense of grief. What they don’t realize is that they have been mourning the loss of that person for some time; the person they knew and loved and with whom they shared wonderful times has been gone for some time now. They *have* grieved – it’s just that their grieving period was longer than usual, and much of it took place prior to their loved one’s physical passing.

When a person dies unexpectedly, even when they are older, it’s always a shock, and so the emotions are more “compacted” and intense. Very often, the grief is compounded by feelings that we shortchanged the deceased in some way, and that there is no way to make reparations now.

Then there are those times when the deceased is a not-so-nice individual who made the lives of all those around him/her a living hell. I knew someone like this years ago, and – call me a heartless bitch – the nicest thing he ever did for anyone was die. He physically and emotionally abused his wife and children: he continued to beat his daughters well into adulthood, and emotionally tortured his entire family until he no longer was physically able to. The funeral was an interesting experience: you would have thought this guy was competition for Bill Cosby the way his daughters talked. And they kept wailing, over and over, “What is Mom going to do now without Dad.” My first and only thought was, “She’s going to be able to breathe for the first time in forty years.” The widow was the only one who appeared to be dealing in reality: she was “old school” and would never have thought to criticize her deceased husband or air his dirty laundry, but she could not shed tears or publicly express sorrow she didn’t feel. She was quietly respectful at the wake and at the funeral, however, I remember her kids criticizing her because she wasn’t wearing widow’s weeds and openly sobbing over the loss of her husband.

I know that many people believe that my generation (Boomers) are a self-involved lot. That may well be true, and, with any luck, Boomers will engage in a study of the last stage of their lives – dying. Perhaps it will result in people losing some of their fears and their denial, and perhaps engage in some proactive planning for that time in their lives.

Unfortunately, I also believe that my generation has been very selfish in not planning properly for its aging. There have been major societal shifts at the various life stages due to the immense size of the Boomer population, and the aging of Boomers will be no different. Unfortunately, it will be a shift that will place an enormous economic hardship on the nation, and coming on the heels of this financial debacle, I’m not holding out much hope that the younger generations will be kindly disposed toward our needs during this time. There is still some time to address the healthcare aspect, but between the vicious infighting among ambitious lawmakers and the aspirations of the major political parties, it will take a miracle to accomplish that.

I’m signing up for swimming marathon training, and laying in a supply of life jackets while waiting for this tsunami.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=CA renter] It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.[/quote]

It seems to me that our society seems to have moved in the direction of assuming that there is a proscribed way of dealing with each and every situation, and there isn’t room for more than one type of emotion. If one doesn’t follow the “script”, it makes him/her a “bad” person.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with the process of dying, and it’s not unusual to experience conflicting emotions. The way in which a person dies can very definitely affect the way in which their loved ones mourn. Very often, relatives of people who die after a protracted illness experience guilt because they feel feel relief after the patient dies, or they don’t have a profound sense of grief. What they don’t realize is that they have been mourning the loss of that person for some time; the person they knew and loved and with whom they shared wonderful times has been gone for some time now. They *have* grieved – it’s just that their grieving period was longer than usual, and much of it took place prior to their loved one’s physical passing.

When a person dies unexpectedly, even when they are older, it’s always a shock, and so the emotions are more “compacted” and intense. Very often, the grief is compounded by feelings that we shortchanged the deceased in some way, and that there is no way to make reparations now.

Then there are those times when the deceased is a not-so-nice individual who made the lives of all those around him/her a living hell. I knew someone like this years ago, and – call me a heartless bitch – the nicest thing he ever did for anyone was die. He physically and emotionally abused his wife and children: he continued to beat his daughters well into adulthood, and emotionally tortured his entire family until he no longer was physically able to. The funeral was an interesting experience: you would have thought this guy was competition for Bill Cosby the way his daughters talked. And they kept wailing, over and over, “What is Mom going to do now without Dad.” My first and only thought was, “She’s going to be able to breathe for the first time in forty years.” The widow was the only one who appeared to be dealing in reality: she was “old school” and would never have thought to criticize her deceased husband or air his dirty laundry, but she could not shed tears or publicly express sorrow she didn’t feel. She was quietly respectful at the wake and at the funeral, however, I remember her kids criticizing her because she wasn’t wearing widow’s weeds and openly sobbing over the loss of her husband.

I know that many people believe that my generation (Boomers) are a self-involved lot. That may well be true, and, with any luck, Boomers will engage in a study of the last stage of their lives – dying. Perhaps it will result in people losing some of their fears and their denial, and perhaps engage in some proactive planning for that time in their lives.

Unfortunately, I also believe that my generation has been very selfish in not planning properly for its aging. There have been major societal shifts at the various life stages due to the immense size of the Boomer population, and the aging of Boomers will be no different. Unfortunately, it will be a shift that will place an enormous economic hardship on the nation, and coming on the heels of this financial debacle, I’m not holding out much hope that the younger generations will be kindly disposed toward our needs during this time. There is still some time to address the healthcare aspect, but between the vicious infighting among ambitious lawmakers and the aspirations of the major political parties, it will take a miracle to accomplish that.

I’m signing up for swimming marathon training, and laying in a supply of life jackets while waiting for this tsunami.

[eavesdropper]

[quote=CA renter] It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.[/quote]

It seems to me that our society seems to have moved in the direction of assuming that there is a proscribed way of dealing with each and every situation, and there isn’t room for more than one type of emotion. If one doesn’t follow the “script”, it makes him/her a “bad” person.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with the process of dying, and it’s not unusual to experience conflicting emotions. The way in which a person dies can very definitely affect the way in which their loved ones mourn. Very often, relatives of people who die after a protracted illness experience guilt because they feel feel relief after the patient dies, or they don’t have a profound sense of grief. What they don’t realize is that they have been mourning the loss of that person for some time; the person they knew and loved and with whom they shared wonderful times has been gone for some time now. They *have* grieved – it’s just that their grieving period was longer than usual, and much of it took place prior to their loved one’s physical passing.

When a person dies unexpectedly, even when they are older, it’s always a shock, and so the emotions are more “compacted” and intense. Very often, the grief is compounded by feelings that we shortchanged the deceased in some way, and that there is no way to make reparations now.

Then there are those times when the deceased is a not-so-nice individual who made the lives of all those around him/her a living hell. I knew someone like this years ago, and – call me a heartless bitch – the nicest thing he ever did for anyone was die. He physically and emotionally abused his wife and children: he continued to beat his daughters well into adulthood, and emotionally tortured his entire family until he no longer was physically able to. The funeral was an interesting experience: you would have thought this guy was competition for Bill Cosby the way his daughters talked. And they kept wailing, over and over, “What is Mom going to do now without Dad.” My first and only thought was, “She’s going to be able to breathe for the first time in forty years.” The widow was the only one who appeared to be dealing in reality: she was “old school” and would never have thought to criticize her deceased husband or air his dirty laundry, but she could not shed tears or publicly express sorrow she didn’t feel. She was quietly respectful at the wake and at the funeral, however, I remember her kids criticizing her because she wasn’t wearing widow’s weeds and openly sobbing over the loss of her husband.

I know that many people believe that my generation (Boomers) are a self-involved lot. That may well be true, and, with any luck, Boomers will engage in a study of the last stage of their lives – dying. Perhaps it will result in people losing some of their fears and their denial, and perhaps engage in some proactive planning for that time in their lives.

Unfortunately, I also believe that my generation has been very selfish in not planning properly for its aging. There have been major societal shifts at the various life stages due to the immense size of the Boomer population, and the aging of Boomers will be no different. Unfortunately, it will be a shift that will place an enormous economic hardship on the nation, and coming on the heels of this financial debacle, I’m not holding out much hope that the younger generations will be kindly disposed toward our needs during this time. There is still some time to address the healthcare aspect, but between the vicious infighting among ambitious lawmakers and the aspirations of the major political parties, it will take a miracle to accomplish that.

I’m signing up for swimming marathon training, and laying in a supply of life jackets while waiting for this tsunami.

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