How many of you support your parents financially?

[CBad]

This isn’t something I like to think about. I do support my mother somewhat and have for as long as I can remember. To say my mom is bad with money is the understatement of a lifetime. I have paid for various things for her throughout the years. It’s better to pay some of her bills vs. have her inevitably screw up and ask for $.

She’s only in her 60’s but isn’t the picture of health and has zero savings. BUT, my feeling is I will only help her up to a point. I won’t sacrifice the life I’ve built with my husband and children because she has failed to be responsible her entire life. To make matters worse, she takes care of my brother who is handicapped so if anything happens to either one if them it’s a big, big issue.

Basically, my husband and I have run through various scenarios and what we’re willing to give via $ or actual help for each one and for how long. I expect little to no help from my siblings so I’m not counting on them. So we will have to see what the future brings and I plan to stick to the plans we’ve set forth. That may sound cold but when it comes down to it, this is a very emotional issue and I don’t want my emotions to cause me to make an irrational decision that would jeopardize my immediate family. So for example, someone said a nursing home for 18 years at 5K a month? Kudos to you but that ain’t happening with me.

[edna_mode]

I wonder if most of the participants on this thread worrying about their parents are of the post-Boomers generation(s)?

Over the years of trying to manage my relationship with family, I discovered that the concept of “boundaries” wasn’t quite the right word for what needed to be maintained. I needed to describe a concept that did delineate, but not separate, because your fates are intertwined with your parent, who may become dependent on you. something flexible, and yet distinct, that allows for communication but is still protective and distinguishes self from non-self.

“Membranes” came to mind, and has stuck ever since — I liked the concept from when i first learned what those were.

So with that perspective in mind, I figured out a rough estimate of how much resources I would need to survive and assumed that was a good start for budgeting how much another person would need (season to taste as necessary), and quietly planned to how make enough money to cover two people’s needs without saying anything (and this may be a lot more, or less depending on your situation, basically whatever you can afford without creating resentment). Best case it would never be needed, and I would have a windfall, worst case I would be right and could spend it without fretting over my own fate. The reason I did not share this information is because it gave me peace of mind without turning it into a political football. I would turn the money into gifts of food, medicine, clothing etc. that I knew would serve needs directly. And by framing it as a “gift” not obligation, it helped mitigate the resentment that the parent didn’t manage their own affairs well enough to be financially independent. So I wouldn’t send money, but I would send useful gifts.

Anyway, just one more perspective from the voice of experience.

[edna_mode]

I wonder if most of the participants on this thread worrying about their parents are of the post-Boomers generation(s)?

Over the years of trying to manage my relationship with family, I discovered that the concept of “boundaries” wasn’t quite the right word for what needed to be maintained. I needed to describe a concept that did delineate, but not separate, because your fates are intertwined with your parent, who may become dependent on you. something flexible, and yet distinct, that allows for communication but is still protective and distinguishes self from non-self.

“Membranes” came to mind, and has stuck ever since — I liked the concept from when i first learned what those were.

So with that perspective in mind, I figured out a rough estimate of how much resources I would need to survive and assumed that was a good start for budgeting how much another person would need (season to taste as necessary), and quietly planned to how make enough money to cover two people’s needs without saying anything (and this may be a lot more, or less depending on your situation, basically whatever you can afford without creating resentment). Best case it would never be needed, and I would have a windfall, worst case I would be right and could spend it without fretting over my own fate. The reason I did not share this information is because it gave me peace of mind without turning it into a political football. I would turn the money into gifts of food, medicine, clothing etc. that I knew would serve needs directly. And by framing it as a “gift” not obligation, it helped mitigate the resentment that the parent didn’t manage their own affairs well enough to be financially independent. So I wouldn’t send money, but I would send useful gifts.

Anyway, just one more perspective from the voice of experience.

[edna_mode]

I wonder if most of the participants on this thread worrying about their parents are of the post-Boomers generation(s)?

Over the years of trying to manage my relationship with family, I discovered that the concept of “boundaries” wasn’t quite the right word for what needed to be maintained. I needed to describe a concept that did delineate, but not separate, because your fates are intertwined with your parent, who may become dependent on you. something flexible, and yet distinct, that allows for communication but is still protective and distinguishes self from non-self.

“Membranes” came to mind, and has stuck ever since — I liked the concept from when i first learned what those were.

So with that perspective in mind, I figured out a rough estimate of how much resources I would need to survive and assumed that was a good start for budgeting how much another person would need (season to taste as necessary), and quietly planned to how make enough money to cover two people’s needs without saying anything (and this may be a lot more, or less depending on your situation, basically whatever you can afford without creating resentment). Best case it would never be needed, and I would have a windfall, worst case I would be right and could spend it without fretting over my own fate. The reason I did not share this information is because it gave me peace of mind without turning it into a political football. I would turn the money into gifts of food, medicine, clothing etc. that I knew would serve needs directly. And by framing it as a “gift” not obligation, it helped mitigate the resentment that the parent didn’t manage their own affairs well enough to be financially independent. So I wouldn’t send money, but I would send useful gifts.

Anyway, just one more perspective from the voice of experience.

[edna_mode]

I wonder if most of the participants on this thread worrying about their parents are of the post-Boomers generation(s)?

Over the years of trying to manage my relationship with family, I discovered that the concept of “boundaries” wasn’t quite the right word for what needed to be maintained. I needed to describe a concept that did delineate, but not separate, because your fates are intertwined with your parent, who may become dependent on you. something flexible, and yet distinct, that allows for communication but is still protective and distinguishes self from non-self.

“Membranes” came to mind, and has stuck ever since — I liked the concept from when i first learned what those were.

So with that perspective in mind, I figured out a rough estimate of how much resources I would need to survive and assumed that was a good start for budgeting how much another person would need (season to taste as necessary), and quietly planned to how make enough money to cover two people’s needs without saying anything (and this may be a lot more, or less depending on your situation, basically whatever you can afford without creating resentment). Best case it would never be needed, and I would have a windfall, worst case I would be right and could spend it without fretting over my own fate. The reason I did not share this information is because it gave me peace of mind without turning it into a political football. I would turn the money into gifts of food, medicine, clothing etc. that I knew would serve needs directly. And by framing it as a “gift” not obligation, it helped mitigate the resentment that the parent didn’t manage their own affairs well enough to be financially independent. So I wouldn’t send money, but I would send useful gifts.

Anyway, just one more perspective from the voice of experience.

[edna_mode]

I wonder if most of the participants on this thread worrying about their parents are of the post-Boomers generation(s)?

Over the years of trying to manage my relationship with family, I discovered that the concept of “boundaries” wasn’t quite the right word for what needed to be maintained. I needed to describe a concept that did delineate, but not separate, because your fates are intertwined with your parent, who may become dependent on you. something flexible, and yet distinct, that allows for communication but is still protective and distinguishes self from non-self.

“Membranes” came to mind, and has stuck ever since — I liked the concept from when i first learned what those were.

So with that perspective in mind, I figured out a rough estimate of how much resources I would need to survive and assumed that was a good start for budgeting how much another person would need (season to taste as necessary), and quietly planned to how make enough money to cover two people’s needs without saying anything (and this may be a lot more, or less depending on your situation, basically whatever you can afford without creating resentment). Best case it would never be needed, and I would have a windfall, worst case I would be right and could spend it without fretting over my own fate. The reason I did not share this information is because it gave me peace of mind without turning it into a political football. I would turn the money into gifts of food, medicine, clothing etc. that I knew would serve needs directly. And by framing it as a “gift” not obligation, it helped mitigate the resentment that the parent didn’t manage their own affairs well enough to be financially independent. So I wouldn’t send money, but I would send useful gifts.

Anyway, just one more perspective from the voice of experience.

[ucodegen]

Since long term care insurance is expensive, I was planning the suicide route for myself when things looked bleak.

oh scaredy, that is awful, i hope it never comes to that.

Actually that is what I also consider doing, it is also effectively what my Father did when he felt he went past the point of no-return. It is also what my Mother hopes for when she gets to that point.

It seems that the knowledge of the ability to extend life has outstripped the knowledge of knowing when to apply it. Staying alive even when you are not really living and there is no hope for improvement, just for the sake of being alive; is torture and not life. It also speaks to the fear of death.

[ucodegen]

Since long term care insurance is expensive, I was planning the suicide route for myself when things looked bleak.

oh scaredy, that is awful, i hope it never comes to that.

Actually that is what I also consider doing, it is also effectively what my Father did when he felt he went past the point of no-return. It is also what my Mother hopes for when she gets to that point.

It seems that the knowledge of the ability to extend life has outstripped the knowledge of knowing when to apply it. Staying alive even when you are not really living and there is no hope for improvement, just for the sake of being alive; is torture and not life. It also speaks to the fear of death.

[ucodegen]

Since long term care insurance is expensive, I was planning the suicide route for myself when things looked bleak.

oh scaredy, that is awful, i hope it never comes to that.

Actually that is what I also consider doing, it is also effectively what my Father did when he felt he went past the point of no-return. It is also what my Mother hopes for when she gets to that point.

It seems that the knowledge of the ability to extend life has outstripped the knowledge of knowing when to apply it. Staying alive even when you are not really living and there is no hope for improvement, just for the sake of being alive; is torture and not life. It also speaks to the fear of death.

[ucodegen]

Since long term care insurance is expensive, I was planning the suicide route for myself when things looked bleak.

oh scaredy, that is awful, i hope it never comes to that.

Actually that is what I also consider doing, it is also effectively what my Father did when he felt he went past the point of no-return. It is also what my Mother hopes for when she gets to that point.

It seems that the knowledge of the ability to extend life has outstripped the knowledge of knowing when to apply it. Staying alive even when you are not really living and there is no hope for improvement, just for the sake of being alive; is torture and not life. It also speaks to the fear of death.

[ucodegen]

Since long term care insurance is expensive, I was planning the suicide route for myself when things looked bleak.

oh scaredy, that is awful, i hope it never comes to that.

Actually that is what I also consider doing, it is also effectively what my Father did when he felt he went past the point of no-return. It is also what my Mother hopes for when she gets to that point.

It seems that the knowledge of the ability to extend life has outstripped the knowledge of knowing when to apply it. Staying alive even when you are not really living and there is no hope for improvement, just for the sake of being alive; is torture and not life. It also speaks to the fear of death.

[temeculaguy]

[quote=zzz]i’ve struggled with the long term care policies and when they should be bought.
[/quote]

I looked into it for the folks as well and found similar frustrations, hence the downstairs bedroom plan. Actually the downstairs bedroom plan has other benefits as well, I have a friend who’s wife had a serious leg injury and couldn’t get up the stairs for six months (unfortunately she wasn’t a convenient carry sized wife). They didn’t have a downtairs bedroom or shower, it was quite the unforseen ordeal.

I do have long term care insurance for myself but it is an employer sponsored program and they would not cover anyone but me for any amount of money, I bought it when I was about 30, paid the premiums for 10 years and now I don’t have to pay again ever but it is in force for life. I know it is not cost effective insurance, I know I could have taken the same dollars and invested them elsewhere and probably made more money, but it didn’t break me, from memory it may have been pre-tax and at least i know that 30 years from now my kids won’t need to worry about this stuff.

CA renter, good tip on the life vial

[temeculaguy]

[quote=zzz]i’ve struggled with the long term care policies and when they should be bought.
[/quote]

I looked into it for the folks as well and found similar frustrations, hence the downstairs bedroom plan. Actually the downstairs bedroom plan has other benefits as well, I have a friend who’s wife had a serious leg injury and couldn’t get up the stairs for six months (unfortunately she wasn’t a convenient carry sized wife). They didn’t have a downtairs bedroom or shower, it was quite the unforseen ordeal.

I do have long term care insurance for myself but it is an employer sponsored program and they would not cover anyone but me for any amount of money, I bought it when I was about 30, paid the premiums for 10 years and now I don’t have to pay again ever but it is in force for life. I know it is not cost effective insurance, I know I could have taken the same dollars and invested them elsewhere and probably made more money, but it didn’t break me, from memory it may have been pre-tax and at least i know that 30 years from now my kids won’t need to worry about this stuff.

CA renter, good tip on the life vial

[temeculaguy]

[quote=zzz]i’ve struggled with the long term care policies and when they should be bought.
[/quote]

I looked into it for the folks as well and found similar frustrations, hence the downstairs bedroom plan. Actually the downstairs bedroom plan has other benefits as well, I have a friend who’s wife had a serious leg injury and couldn’t get up the stairs for six months (unfortunately she wasn’t a convenient carry sized wife). They didn’t have a downtairs bedroom or shower, it was quite the unforseen ordeal.

I do have long term care insurance for myself but it is an employer sponsored program and they would not cover anyone but me for any amount of money, I bought it when I was about 30, paid the premiums for 10 years and now I don’t have to pay again ever but it is in force for life. I know it is not cost effective insurance, I know I could have taken the same dollars and invested them elsewhere and probably made more money, but it didn’t break me, from memory it may have been pre-tax and at least i know that 30 years from now my kids won’t need to worry about this stuff.

CA renter, good tip on the life vial

[temeculaguy]

[quote=zzz]i’ve struggled with the long term care policies and when they should be bought.
[/quote]

I looked into it for the folks as well and found similar frustrations, hence the downstairs bedroom plan. Actually the downstairs bedroom plan has other benefits as well, I have a friend who’s wife had a serious leg injury and couldn’t get up the stairs for six months (unfortunately she wasn’t a convenient carry sized wife). They didn’t have a downtairs bedroom or shower, it was quite the unforseen ordeal.

I do have long term care insurance for myself but it is an employer sponsored program and they would not cover anyone but me for any amount of money, I bought it when I was about 30, paid the premiums for 10 years and now I don’t have to pay again ever but it is in force for life. I know it is not cost effective insurance, I know I could have taken the same dollars and invested them elsewhere and probably made more money, but it didn’t break me, from memory it may have been pre-tax and at least i know that 30 years from now my kids won’t need to worry about this stuff.

CA renter, good tip on the life vial

[Author]

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