- This topic has 160 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by
an.
-
AuthorPosts
-
July 14, 2020 at 2:41 PM #818791July 14, 2020 at 2:50 PM #818792
spdrun
Participant^^^
Why don’t you go breathe some smoke from the Bonhomme Richard? Might improve your disposition.
July 14, 2020 at 4:13 PM #818793scaredyclassic
Participanthttps://local.theonion.com/8-4-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-city-1819571723
Very funny vintage onion article on the suckiness of urban existence.
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
With audible murmurs of “This is no way to live,” “What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,” and “Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place,” all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.
ADVERTISEMENT
By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of the Holland and Lincoln tunnels, and the area’s three major airports were flooded with New Yorkers, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 20 million tons of concrete wasn’t constantly suffocating them.
“I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here,” said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. “Well, fuck that. I don’t need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being.”
ADVERTISEMENT
“You see this?” added McQuade, pointing at a real estate listing for a duplex in Hagerstown, MD. “Two bedrooms, two baths, a den—a fucking den—and a patio. Twelve hundred a month. That’s total, not per person.”
According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream “shut up!” at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow.
ADVERTISEMENT
Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and fucking on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.
In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase “Only in New York” is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.
ADVERTISEMENT
“I was sitting on my stoop, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, ‘I am inside all of you,’ over and over,” Bronx resident Sarah Perez, 37, said. “Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here.”
“This place sucks,” Manhattan resident Woody Allen, 74, told reporters. “It just fucking sucks.”
ADVERTISEMENT
When fleeing New Yorkers were asked if they would miss the city’s iconic landmarks, most responded that Central Park is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing actual nature, that the Brooklyn Bridge is great but it’s just a fucking bridge, that nobody goes to the Met anyway, and that living in a dingy, grime-caked apartment while exhaust fumes from an idling truck seep through your bedroom window isn’t worth slightly bigger bagels.
“This is no place to raise a kid, that’s for sure,” said 32-year-old Brandon Rushing, a lifelong New Yorker. “I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?”
ADVERTISEMENT
“Plus, we’re the place most likely to get nuked by a dirty bomb in a terrorist attack,” he added. “So that’s great. Also, it smells like shit here, and I’m not exaggerating. You’ll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human shit, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in shit for like 20 seconds.”
Before departing by private helicopter, Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke with members of the media to address the situation.
ADVERTISEMENT
“You know what the greatest city in the world is?” Bloomberg asked reporters. “Scottsdale, Arizona. It’s clean, it’s not too big, it’s got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren’t fucking insane. This place is fucking insane. And by the way, that’s not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag.”
By Tuesday night, New York was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some 10 million Los Angeles–area residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of four distinct seasons, and yearning for the hustle and bustle of East Coast life, had already begun repopulating the city.
ADVERTISEMENT
July 15, 2020 at 11:27 AM #818812sdrealtor
ParticipantWell looks like my clients will have to wait a bit longer to move. They had their Portland condo in escrow with a 14 day close to an all cash buyer in an as-is sale (it was immaculate). Two days before closing the buyers decided they had enough of watching 14 straight days of protests, rioting, looting and fires being set in the streets in Downtown Portland and cancelled escrow using the one contingency they had to do so. What a mess. They were excited to get back here and will have to wait a little longer.
July 19, 2020 at 12:10 AM #818850Participantsdrealtor — I bet that you love that (possibly Federal, possibly not) goons in unmarked rental cars are kidnapping protesters in Portland. That Fascism must taste mighty good to you … anything for property values, right?
July 19, 2020 at 1:30 AM #818851
CoronitaParticipant[quote=spdrun]sdrealtor — I bet that you love that (possibly Federal, possibly not) goons in unmarked rental cars are kidnapping protesters in Portland. That Fascism must taste mighty good to you … anything for property values, right?[/quote]
Well, considering a few months ago before covid took over NYC you were cheering for Covid to sterilize a good portion of the population , I thought this was odd considering you were living in ground zero. And then before that, you were pretty vocal about wishing for death and destruction and crashes so that you personally could profit from it and buy cheaper real estate. you posted about this all over this board. Are you saying after a few months of home quarantine.and seeing a bunch of people die where you live, you’ve suddenly had a change of heart and a little of humility and humbleness and are for the first time starting to show, I dare say, compassion, despite your previous self being a huge proponent of human suffering if you could personally benefit from it? Of the answer is yes, I’ve changed, wow… I have to admit good for you…I think it’s better for you.
July 19, 2020 at 8:10 AM #818852ParticipantThose who would give up essential liberties to purchase temporary high property values, deserve neither tax deductibility nor historic low mortgages.
Benjamin franklin.
July 19, 2020 at 10:07 AM #818853ParticipantGreat points Coronita. My clients just need to get out. It has nothing to do with property values that have no impact on me in a town 1000 miles away. So odd that pathetic guy is concerned and an expert on places he doesn’t live. Also hopefully the political threadjack will accrue the notice of our host. He’s one last mess to clean up around here so we can keep the progress going we’ve made to make this place about local real estate and great again.
July 24, 2020 at 12:22 PM #818944Participant[quote=sdrealtor]Well looks like my clients will have to wait a bit longer to move. They had their Portland condo in escrow with a 14 day close to an all cash buyer in an as-is sale (it was immaculate). Two days before closing the buyers decided they had enough of watching 14 straight days of protests, rioting, looting and fires being set in the streets in Downtown Portland and cancelled escrow using the one contingency they had to do so. What a mess. They were excited to get back here and will have to wait a little longer.
can i buy a place in portland at a discount nowadays? I love portland and I doubt these protests are anything that lower values. if anything, they sound minimal, principled an d not dangerous. are these sellers ready to let go at a riot-sale price?
July 24, 2020 at 2:43 PM #818949The-Shoveler
ParticipantI would contact a Portland agent if you are really interested, I would imagine buying in the city you should be able find a good (or at least better) deal than you could last year. Burbs probably not so much.
Rates in the 2’s should help as well.July 24, 2020 at 2:47 PM #818950Participanti would be stoked to live in a town where regular people were standing up to federal turds. plus it’s so bikey. theyd probably find me to be an arch conservative. to many years in riverside county
July 24, 2020 at 3:15 PM #818951ParticipantA good portion of protesters probably don’t actually live there IMO. but have fun, take a mask, probably a good place to catch covid.
August 13, 2020 at 10:19 AM #819201ParticipantNYC rents down 10%. People still fleeing
Empty apartments in Manhattan reach record high, topping 13,000
https://www.cnbc.com/2020/08/13/empty-apartments-in-manhattan-reach-record-high-topping-13000.html?__source=iosappshare%7Ccom.apple.UIKit.activity.MessageAugust 13, 2020 at 11:37 AM #819205Participant[quote=sdrealtor]NYC rents down 10%. People still fleeing
Empty apartments in Manhattan reach record high, topping 13,000
https://www.cnbc.com/2020/08/13/empty-apartments-in-manhattan-reach-record-high-topping-13000.html?__source=iosappshare%7Ccom.apple.UIKit.activity.Message%5B/quote%5Dman.
really, the cool thing about living in NYC, normally, is all the people. but if you don’t want to mix with people, it’s terrible.
still, 10% rent drop brings it down to, still astronomical rent.
anyone a fan of the website, http://WWW.HUMANSOFNEWYORK.COM
August 13, 2020 at 11:59 AM #819206ParticipantI’d suspect that the number of people leaving isn’t as great as you’d think … a lot of people left in March/April, some have stopped paying rent or notified their landlord that they’re breaking their leases. Apartment showings weren’t really legal until late June, so many of the apartments that were vacated 4-5 months ago are just coming on market now.
Vacancy rate is now 3-4% instead of 1-2%. 3-4% would be considered GREAT for most markets in the US.
The irony is that NYC may have the lowest new infection rate of any major US city at this point. Masks are taken seriously, and we have a significant proportion of people that have antibodies (20%+, probably closer to 30%).
The average chance of being hospitalized for COVID over a year in NYC is now under 0.2% per year.
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.