The new smart financial move is walking away

[an]

[quote=zzz]AN I couldn’t disagree more about your comment on therapy in marriage that indicates the marriage is near end.

While that is true for some people, I would argue that going to therapy can be for people to take their relationships to the next level versus averting disaster. For some people its so they can hone in on being more succcessful in life and in the various roles they play. For others its like going to get your car tuned up. Does getting your car worked on mean its almost dead or you’re about to sell it? Not usually, its routine maintenance. Who does not have issues? Any issues? With self, with marriage, job, etc? Everyone has work to do.

What about career coaches? Many highly successful people I know who are CEOs or run their own businesses go to psychologists who specialize in career coaching. These people want to take their careers to the next level but also want to work on balancing their lives.

Therapy isn’t for everyone, but I know plenty of people who do see a therapist and it changes their lives for the better.[/quote]
You’re right, not every couples who see a therapist are near the end of their ropes. You made a pretty valid point about therapy. It would be very interesting to know how many see a therapist to improve their marriage lives vs those who use it as a last resort before divorce.

BTW, your car example doesn’t really apply. A car is constantly breaking down. So getting it routinely maintain will prolong the inevitable.

[an]

davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.

There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.

BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? A nagging wife might not make him happy, but these other things that comes with a nagging wife makes him even more happy. We are not living in a personal utopia world. So no one gets everything they wanted. But that doesn’t mean they’re not happy. If they really are not happy and still stick around, then I would have to say, they need to grow some balls.

[an]

davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.

There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.

BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? A nagging wife might not make him happy, but these other things that comes with a nagging wife makes him even more happy. We are not living in a personal utopia world. So no one gets everything they wanted. But that doesn’t mean they’re not happy. If they really are not happy and still stick around, then I would have to say, they need to grow some balls.

[an]

davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.

There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.

BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? A nagging wife might not make him happy, but these other things that comes with a nagging wife makes him even more happy. We are not living in a personal utopia world. So no one gets everything they wanted. But that doesn’t mean they’re not happy. If they really are not happy and still stick around, then I would have to say, they need to grow some balls.

[an]

davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.

There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.

BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? A nagging wife might not make him happy, but these other things that comes with a nagging wife makes him even more happy. We are not living in a personal utopia world. So no one gets everything they wanted. But that doesn’t mean they’re not happy. If they really are not happy and still stick around, then I would have to say, they need to grow some balls.

[an]

davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.

There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.

BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? A nagging wife might not make him happy, but these other things that comes with a nagging wife makes him even more happy. We are not living in a personal utopia world. So no one gets everything they wanted. But that doesn’t mean they’re not happy. If they really are not happy and still stick around, then I would have to say, they need to grow some balls.

[zzz]

Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong.

My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.

[zzz]

Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong.

My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.

[zzz]

Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong.

My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.

[zzz]

Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong.

My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.

[zzz]

Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong.

My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.

[davelj]

[quote=AN]davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.[/quote]

Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.

[quote=AN]
There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.[/quote]

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=AN]
BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? [/quote]

Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.

[davelj]

[quote=AN]davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.[/quote]

Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.

[quote=AN]
There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.[/quote]

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=AN]
BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? [/quote]

Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.

[davelj]

[quote=AN]davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.[/quote]

Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.

[quote=AN]
There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.[/quote]

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=AN]
BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? [/quote]

Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.

[davelj]

[quote=AN]davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.[/quote]

Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.

[quote=AN]
There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.[/quote]

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=AN]
BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? [/quote]

Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.

[Author]

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