Now now everyone, it’s the wealthiest Americans who pay the most tax, OK?* So it’s not like they’re keeping it all for themselves. They are the ones keeping this country afloat, and if we start regulating them or even questioning the legitimacy of what they do we are going to end up cutting off a valuable stream of revenue for Swiss banks and choking the life out of our great country. I fought a war** so that the top 1% in this country could control 38% of the wealth***, so don’t go getting all communist-y on me, here.
Plus, equality? Why should we have equality? Those wealthy people worked hard for their taxpayer-funded bonuses. And hey, it’s not easy taking pensions generated by middle-class folks and using them to gamble with. Sure, there’s no handle to pull like in a real casino, but still. It’s really tiring.
Also, if these poor people are so angry, why don’t they just get off their lazy asses and succeed? Like the Goldman Sachs execs did? This is America, after all. If you work hard, go to school, keep your nose clean, and just TRY, one day you could be the head of Goldman Sachs or maybe the guy who runs the Treasury****. You lower- and middle-class people need to stop grousing about losing your job and your house (hey, no one told you to get a job and a house! It was your choice, man.) and get out there and do some real work for god’s sake. Because it was work, like moving numbers from one Excel spreadsheet to another, that made this country what it is today.*****
*Except for the ones that have those Swiss bank accounts we’ve heard so much about recently. And the ones who can afford tax lawyers and accountants to help them find loopholes so they don’t actually end up paying quite so much. And the ones who put their money into illegal tax shelters like offshore companies.
**OK, well, I didn’t actually fight a war. WE did. But it’s LIKE I did. Sort of.
