I think it’s pretty much dumb luck. Or maybe it’s more what they see you do, rather than anything you intentionally teach them. My kids were pretty much free range.

I have 2 kids. Almost opposite personalities. Son is responsible only when it’s a necessity. Got mediocre grades in high school. He was reminded to do his homework, but never really disciplined if he didn’t. He usually did. If he didn’t do well on a test, he blamed it on the teacher not making it interesting. Was out well past midnight the night before he took the SAT. (Parental error, HE knew the test was scheduled, parents forgot.) Never studied for it, got a 1480. Now working on his masters degree.

Daughter is driven. A 99 on a test is a failure. Never once reminded to study or do homework. Runs marathons for fun. Finishing up her first semester in medical school next week.

I’d love to take credit for something other than paying for their undergrad education. I can’t. I think you nailed it with this:

I said I thought a kids success meant just that a parent didn’t screw up a great kid too bad and let them develop as they should.

I got lucky and had great kids. Just luck. I didn’t make them great kids. There are difficult kids. If mine had been difficult, I have no idea what I would have done. Probably screwed them up even more.

And you don’t have to take credit. People will give you credit if your kid does well whether you’re deserving or not. I know. I was there. I don’t deserve the credit. Except for being there. That’s the only thing I can take credit for. No tremendous parenting skills. But I never missed a ball game or a back to school night or a parent teacher conference or a karate match or a school performance. That’s something I don’t get with some parents. My daughter played water polo in high school (and college). I probably missed 5 games in 4 years. Same for her mother. There were girls she played with whose parents never showed up. Not once in 4 years. Never understood that. And those girls were f’d up. I wonder why.