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CA renter.
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April 28, 2014 at 1:19 PM #21060April 28, 2014 at 1:41 PM #773436
NotCranky
ParticipantProbably would not accept much more or less baggage than I bring, on the whole. That said, calculating it too much is kind of jerkish IMO. If it’s there with the two of you for the most part forgive and move on.
To be honest though, if that debt was from fake boobs and stuff like that I would move on. If it was from bad luck, maybe some school debt and the person just wasn’t the greatest saver, I would probably work with her.
Don’t hold her family against her, that’s BS. IF she is good it won’t determine your quality of life unless you decide to get hung up about it over and over. You can set limits on her family. Besides, your family is probably just as screwed up but in different ways.
Don’t get involved further if you have some kind of superiority trip ypu have to hold over her.
April 28, 2014 at 1:43 PM #773439kev374
Participantwhat if the financial liability was from a real estate scam that was orchestrated by her mother? And she committed misrepresentation and is thus being sued along with her mother but claims innocence in the whole thing saying she trusted the mother who said all was legit?
So Blogstar, you’re saying you would be ok marrying someone who had $90k student loans and earns $35,000/yr? After marriage what if she decides that it’s best for her to be a stay at home mom while you have to slog your behind off not only to support a family with one income but also pay her $90k in student debt off.
April 28, 2014 at 1:44 PM #773440bearishgurl
ParticipantThe red flag for me would be that she told you that she didn’t know she had this huge debt (or didn’t know precisely how much it was). She has had 2-3 years to tell you about it, and, in my mind, she probably should have told you about it in the first 4-6 months of “dating” you.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you posted before here that you found out that your SO (fiance’?) had a huge student-loan balance that she withheld from you (even as she presumably accepted your proposal) and you eventually called off the engagement (and rightly so) because you didn’t want to be left stuck holding the bag, especially if you later had children and she left work for a period of time.
As far as the character of her parents, she’s not responsible if they were addicted, had bad credit, FC’s, BK’s or did jail time, etc, but you have to ask yourself who her “role models” were growing up.
kev, I can’t remember how old you said you were, but, contrary to popular belief, as you get older, you will realize that there are more and more single people in your age group. They may or may not want to have more kids or be able to have kids, though, if a biological family is what you ultimately seek.
I wouldn’t trust her to tell me the truth about money so that alone would be a deal killer for me getting back with her.
April 28, 2014 at 1:49 PM #773441Participant@bearishgurl, I don’t think that was me as I was never engaged.
My situation is as described in the previous post but I already broke up with her after a lot of thought and discussing it with various people who told me that marriage has it’s own stresses and challenges in it regardless of how perfect the union and chemistry is and adding more baggage to it at the outset is only going to add that much more stress to the equation.
I guess i’m just trying to find solace in the fact that I did break up with someone I loved for what I think are justifiable reasons but sometimes I have some self-doubt and guilt if what I did was a bit superficial although a huge number of people tell me that it’s quite reasonable to not want to take on a burden like that since I am debt free.
April 28, 2014 at 1:50 PM #773443scaredyclassic
ParticipantHer parents’ character matters. A lot.
April 28, 2014 at 1:50 PM #773442UCGal
Participant[quote=kev374]what if the financial liability was from a real estate scam that was orchestrated by her mother? And she committed misrepresentation and is thus being sued along with her mother but claims innocence in the whole thing saying she trusted the mother who said all was legit?
So Blogstar, you’re saying you would be ok marrying someone who had $90k student loans and earns $35,000/yr? After marriage what if she decides that it’s best for her to be a stay at home mom while you have to slog your behind off not only to support a family with one income but also pay her $90k in student debt off.[/quote]
Her parents character/financial health shouldn’t reflect badly on her. BUT her being involved with them financially SHOULD reflect badly on her. It sounds like she got entwined, and might again since they are her parents.
No person is perfect. So you need to figure out how to unentwine her from her parents finances and scams. Only you can decide if the possible debt of $90k is enough to make you walk away from someone you’re compatible with. But it sounds like a certainty that you are incompatible with her parents.
You need to figure out if she is willing to set boundaries/limits on her parents… or they might drag you and your future wife down.
Edited to add: Your girlfriend isn’t named Teresa Guiduce is she? (google it.)
April 28, 2014 at 1:51 PM #773444ParticipantA marriage is a financial partnership and debt matters. A lot.
April 28, 2014 at 1:52 PM #773445Participant[quote=kev374]what if the financial liability was from a real estate scam that was orchestrated by her mother? And she committed misrepresentation and is thus being sued along with her mother but claims innocence in the whole thing saying she trusted the mother who said all was legit?
So Blogstar, you’re saying you would be ok marrying someone who had $90k student loans and earns $35,000/yr? After marriage what if she decides that it’s best for her to be a stay at home mom while you have to slog your behind off not only to support a family with one income but also pay her $90k in student debt off.[/quote]
The emphasized portion is my greatest concern in your situation. Not only that, but she is currently a party to suit (which could go any which way but loose) and, under the circumstances, you could never buy real property with her unless you bought it by yourself and then quitclaimed the title to you and her (a very bad idea).
Stay AWAY!! There are so many “fish” out there to choose from!
April 28, 2014 at 1:55 PM #773446Participant[quote=kev374]@bearishgurl, I don’t think that was me as I was never engaged.[/quote]
Sorry, I must have mixed you up with someone else.
[snip]
[quote=kev374]I guess i’m just trying to find solace in the fact that I did break up with someone I loved for what I think are justifiable reasons but sometimes I have some self-doubt and guilt if what I did was a bit superficial although a huge number of people tell me that it’s quite reasonable to not want to take on a burden like that since I am debt free.[/quote]
It certainly is. Stay that way and find somebody equal to you in every way.
April 28, 2014 at 1:55 PM #773447Participant[quote=scaredyclassic]Her parents’ character matters. A lot.[/quote]
that’s what a lot of people tell me. That no matter what, unless she is estranged from the mother, she is going to be influenced in the future like it or not.
Her mother is a fraud artist and con in my opinion but when I went back and saw some pics on my ex-GF’s Facebook it has comments about her mom like “My mom is an amazing woman” which really bothered me.
April 28, 2014 at 2:11 PM #773449Participant[quote=Blogstar]…If it was from bad luck, maybe some school debt and the person just wasn’t the greatest saver, I would probably work with her…[/quote]
Russ, I don’t think a school debt is due to “bad luck.” A person who applies for student loans knows exactly what they are doing (trying to get $ for school and possibly to live on) even if they do not completely understand the terms. And these borrowers have a responsibility to know how much they owe on their SL’s at any given time.
How would you feel about your (joint) tax refund being garnished or a lien being place on your (jointly-owned) home due to delinquent student loans your spouse never disclosed to you that they had (or never disclosed to you that they weren’t paying on them)?
And how would you feel about having a spouse on an income-based repayment plan who is paying such a meager amount every month on their SL’s that the balance is actually growing every year?
April 28, 2014 at 3:24 PM #773455ParticipantI am just throwing stuff out there, not going to take this thread too seriously, or try too hard, Kev can sift through whatever is said.
April 28, 2014 at 3:42 PM #773457Participant[quote=Blogstar]I am just throwing stuff out there, not going to take this thread too seriously, or try too hard, Kev can sift through whatever is said.[/quote]
It does seem harsh to judge someone based on parents but my opinion is truly the acorn often lands close to the tree.
I’m becoming more like my dad every day. I said something to my kid the other day that was a virtual recording of what he said to me. Scary. But in t hat case it was ok.
April 28, 2014 at 3:44 PM #773458Participant[quote=kev374]Say you were in a 2-3 year relationship and loved the other person, had good chemistry etc. but are suddenly told one day that they have a potentially huge financial liability (say $80-90k!), they claim they did not know about this as well, in addition you knew that the in-laws were of poor character. Would you still marry this person and accept their baggage?
I guess the general question is… how much pre-existing monetary and emotional baggage are you willing to accept for you to be comfortable with marriage?
Is is ANY amount because you love the other person? Or does love NOT conquer all?[/quote]
love is for suckers. Marriage is l I keep buying a house. You should really be into the house but only if it’s a good deal and you must always be ready to walk away.
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