The new smart financial move is walking away

[davelj]

[quote=AN]davelj, I don’t ask any of them whether they’re happy or not. I observe their actions toward each other. My theory is, action speaks much louder than words.[/quote]

Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.

[quote=AN]
There are a gazillion variables in regards to human emotions. So, I would have to guess that no one is 100% happy all the time. By your logic, countries that don’t have divorce laws like we do would have 100% divorce rate, or at least 80%. What about countries that favor men in all things, like the middle east. They can keep their money, kids, and no messy divorce. Yet, why are they still married? I can’t tell you how many are happy after 30+ years of marriage, but I can say for certain there are more than 5.[/quote]

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=AN]
BTW, how do you know that those men who stick around because of kids, finances, reputation, and/or general inertia are not happy because of those things? [/quote]

Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.

[an]

[quote=davelj]Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.[/quote]
Yes they can. But it’s much harder to hide/lie w/ actions. One of the couple was happy until the husband died. The other are in their 90s and are still happy. I’m pretty when you’re in your 90s, there is very little reason for you to put up a false image. Your mind is probably a little gone at that point to be able to keep up a false image all the time. The other 2, well, I know them well enough and see them often enough that I can tell fake from real.

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=davelj]Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.[/quote]
Once again, it sounds like your friends know/think that they’re more happy with their current situation than getting divorce, that’s why they didn’t do it. We can’t separate things in life apart and pick and choose what want. In their situation, the kids/money/house came with the wife. They chose kids/money/house AND wife over getting divorce. This brings us back to the topic of choice and happiness in a marriage.

[an]

[quote=davelj]Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.[/quote]
Yes they can. But it’s much harder to hide/lie w/ actions. One of the couple was happy until the husband died. The other are in their 90s and are still happy. I’m pretty when you’re in your 90s, there is very little reason for you to put up a false image. Your mind is probably a little gone at that point to be able to keep up a false image all the time. The other 2, well, I know them well enough and see them often enough that I can tell fake from real.

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=davelj]Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.[/quote]
Once again, it sounds like your friends know/think that they’re more happy with their current situation than getting divorce, that’s why they didn’t do it. We can’t separate things in life apart and pick and choose what want. In their situation, the kids/money/house came with the wife. They chose kids/money/house AND wife over getting divorce. This brings us back to the topic of choice and happiness in a marriage.

[an]

[quote=davelj]Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.[/quote]
Yes they can. But it’s much harder to hide/lie w/ actions. One of the couple was happy until the husband died. The other are in their 90s and are still happy. I’m pretty when you’re in your 90s, there is very little reason for you to put up a false image. Your mind is probably a little gone at that point to be able to keep up a false image all the time. The other 2, well, I know them well enough and see them often enough that I can tell fake from real.

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=davelj]Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.[/quote]
Once again, it sounds like your friends know/think that they’re more happy with their current situation than getting divorce, that’s why they didn’t do it. We can’t separate things in life apart and pick and choose what want. In their situation, the kids/money/house came with the wife. They chose kids/money/house AND wife over getting divorce. This brings us back to the topic of choice and happiness in a marriage.

[an]

[quote=davelj]Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.[/quote]
Yes they can. But it’s much harder to hide/lie w/ actions. One of the couple was happy until the husband died. The other are in their 90s and are still happy. I’m pretty when you’re in your 90s, there is very little reason for you to put up a false image. Your mind is probably a little gone at that point to be able to keep up a false image all the time. The other 2, well, I know them well enough and see them often enough that I can tell fake from real.

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=davelj]Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.[/quote]
Once again, it sounds like your friends know/think that they’re more happy with their current situation than getting divorce, that’s why they didn’t do it. We can’t separate things in life apart and pick and choose what want. In their situation, the kids/money/house came with the wife. They chose kids/money/house AND wife over getting divorce. This brings us back to the topic of choice and happiness in a marriage.

[an]

[quote=davelj]Like words, actions can also deceive. My friends who cheat also kiss their wives and can be quite attentive when it’s required.[/quote]
Yes they can. But it’s much harder to hide/lie w/ actions. One of the couple was happy until the husband died. The other are in their 90s and are still happy. I’m pretty when you’re in your 90s, there is very little reason for you to put up a false image. Your mind is probably a little gone at that point to be able to keep up a false image all the time. The other 2, well, I know them well enough and see them often enough that I can tell fake from real.

Actually, most countries have more liberal attitudes about husbands screwing around. So, there’s no need to keep up the farce of monogamy within marriage like we feel the need to do here in the US. See almost everywhere outside of North America and Muslim countries (where it’s all kept hidden for cultural reasons) for examples.

[quote=davelj]Because they tell me? When someone says to me, “I’d divorce her in a minute if I thought I could keep my house, money and kids… but I know that ain’t gonna happen,” I tend to take them at their word. But that’s just me.[/quote]
Once again, it sounds like your friends know/think that they’re more happy with their current situation than getting divorce, that’s why they didn’t do it. We can’t separate things in life apart and pick and choose what want. In their situation, the kids/money/house came with the wife. They chose kids/money/house AND wife over getting divorce. This brings us back to the topic of choice and happiness in a marriage.

[an]

[quote=zzz]Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong. [/quote]
That’s my impression as well. But that’s just me.

[quote=zzz]My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.[/quote]
To me, regular maintenance is like talking to your spouse. When you have to go to a 3rd party, a lot of the time, it’s because you can’t resolve it yourself. It’s like bringing your car to a mechanic because the engine sprung a leak or some other major issue that you can’t take care of yourself.

[an]

[quote=zzz]Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong. [/quote]
That’s my impression as well. But that’s just me.

[quote=zzz]My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.[/quote]
To me, regular maintenance is like talking to your spouse. When you have to go to a 3rd party, a lot of the time, it’s because you can’t resolve it yourself. It’s like bringing your car to a mechanic because the engine sprung a leak or some other major issue that you can’t take care of yourself.

[an]

[quote=zzz]Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong. [/quote]
That’s my impression as well. But that’s just me.

[quote=zzz]My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.[/quote]
To me, regular maintenance is like talking to your spouse. When you have to go to a 3rd party, a lot of the time, it’s because you can’t resolve it yourself. It’s like bringing your car to a mechanic because the engine sprung a leak or some other major issue that you can’t take care of yourself.

[an]

[quote=zzz]Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong. [/quote]
That’s my impression as well. But that’s just me.

[quote=zzz]My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.[/quote]
To me, regular maintenance is like talking to your spouse. When you have to go to a 3rd party, a lot of the time, it’s because you can’t resolve it yourself. It’s like bringing your car to a mechanic because the engine sprung a leak or some other major issue that you can’t take care of yourself.

[an]

[quote=zzz]Hi AN, thanks for the response. I would say I suspect most people go to therapy to salvage versus being proactive. I think many people think of therapy and associate it with the negative stigma that you must be broken, or you have mental illness, or that you don’t need someone else to tell you what’s wrong. [/quote]
That’s my impression as well. But that’s just me.

[quote=zzz]My car analogy does apply from this respect, your car needs maintentance to prevent issues as well as to address them, and yes the inevitable is that your car will die some day. Therapy or working through issues is so that you can prolong the inevitable which is death of marriage by divorce, or to keep your car / marriage running in good condition. Everything ends, your car dies, we die. Now the timeframe is not the same, but I think you get my point that people are willing to do maintenance on their cars and dont’ even think twice about it, but now doing maintenance on one self, well that isn’t so obvious to most people.[/quote]
To me, regular maintenance is like talking to your spouse. When you have to go to a 3rd party, a lot of the time, it’s because you can’t resolve it yourself. It’s like bringing your car to a mechanic because the engine sprung a leak or some other major issue that you can’t take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I’ve started reading that book that scaredy recommended, and one of the couples has been in therapy for 10 years. So therapy is not always a good indicator that a marriage is near the end.

[Anonymous]

I’ve started reading that book that scaredy recommended, and one of the couples has been in therapy for 10 years. So therapy is not always a good indicator that a marriage is near the end.

[Anonymous]

I’ve started reading that book that scaredy recommended, and one of the couples has been in therapy for 10 years. So therapy is not always a good indicator that a marriage is near the end.

[Anonymous]

I’ve started reading that book that scaredy recommended, and one of the couples has been in therapy for 10 years. So therapy is not always a good indicator that a marriage is near the end.

[Author]

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