A simpler life

[scaredyclassic]

Lately I am filled with this fantasy that I did not become so hormonally driven at age 13, that sex didnt drive and torment me the next 40 years, that I went against the grain of my peers, never tried to be noticed or special, got some simple job, lived at home, avoided all the headaches of work and family and debt and education and everything.

That I hadnt been such a pretentious fool.
That I hadn’t pretended to like things I dont.

That I hadn’t wasted so much time

That I hadn’t been so desperate and afraid.

That I had been true to myself.

It could not have happened and how else could I have been anything but what I was but jeez, all this bullshit, for what? To pass it on?

For a smart quote unquote guy im pretty dumb. I am an impostor, a dope, a ridiculous human.

When I started 7th grade, I had this suspicion that the school administration was going to hypnotize me and everyone and change us into something bad and mess with our brains during auditorium. My plan was to scratch my name in the arm rest of the auditorium wood seating as the hypnosis began so I would remember who I really was in case they did it and made me different. The year was 1976. I wasnt certain they do this but I had a feeling. I’d smoked some weed for the first time a few days earlier with my druggie pal. I felt strangely unvhildlike but not endlessly horny…that was coming soon.

In a way I was right, but the hypnotic impulse was all internal, basically chasing women, wanting to be loved desperately, to be recognized. All my life has been a desperate ungrateful flailing at phantasms

Or maybe those bastards did screw up my brain back in 1976. Should go check the armrests. Maybe the clue is there still

I remember the hypnosis suspicion 43 years ago more clearly than I recall last week. I guess I’m grateful for everythingbive been thru to be here and for my beautiful family. It’s all just so foolish and ultimately…absurd.

[FlyerInHi]

You speak to me.

You did really well. You have a beautiful, normal family.

Some guys chase women too much and in the end, they have neither money nor family.

[scaredyclassic]

My 7th grade French teacher mrs haber had a sign on the class back wall in french which read

if youth but knew
If age but could

I thought it was the dumbest fucking thing. We all did. We thought Mrs haber was a weirdo. Old! 50? 55? Oh mrs haber, mrs haber I am sorry we mocked you in the bicentennial year

There was a girl in french named rhena i thought was so beautiful. Achingly belle just thinking of her name names e recalls how impossible it is that I could’ve not been a fool for love

In 1976 I loved comic books. But by 77 it was all over.

If I could do it all again id mess it up worse.

Ahhhhhh, if youth but knew

If age but could

[FlyerInHi]

I didn’t know the proverb but I translated it perfectly.
I’m the shit!

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
Origine : Proverbe d’Henri II Estienne (1528-1598), Les Prémices (1594).

http://thierryaymes.blogg.org/henri-estienne-1528-1598-c26580218

[scaredyclassic]

Huh.

I recall.

Maybe this is all brought on by the upcoming release of RUSTY BROWN by Chris ware. I preordered it months ago and it’s actually in my calendar. Rusty browns character is a pathetic manchild collector. All of Chris ware’s work is moving, but old rusty brown stuff was painful yet funny for me.

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=FlyerInHi]I didn’t know the proverb but I translated it perfectly.
I’m the shit!

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
Origine : Proverbe d’Henri II Estienne (1528-1598), Les Prémices (1594).

http://thierryaymes.blogg.org/henri-estienne-1528-1598-c26580218%5B/quote%5D

Picasso pour ne pas répondre précipitamment à ces questions: « On devient jeune à soixante ans ».

[scaredyclassic]

I met art siegelman in 1981 when I applied to art school, he was teaching in nyc pre maus. I wanted to be an artiste.

[zk]

[quote=scaredyclassic]

For a smart quote unquote guy im pretty dumb. I am an impostor, a dope, a ridiculous human.

[/quote]

Dumb. Ridiculous. Compared to what?

I think that if everyone were perfectly honest with themselves, almost everyone would see that they’re pretty ridiculous. — They’re usually pretending one thing or another. They’re almost never true to themselves (in a general, continuing sense). They’re usually scurrying around chasing something that shouldn’t really matter. — But I think most people aren’t perfectly honest with themselves.

I think that people aren’t honest with themselves, and not just about their own attributes. People aren’t honest with themselves when they decide what to believe. People, for the most part, believe what they want to believe rather than what the evidence says to them. That’s why so many people believe in god. That’s why people fall for propaganda. That’s why people don’t think they’re ridiculous.

I think there is a rather small subset of people who are much, much less susceptible to that phenomenon (believing what you want to believe) than most people. And I think that a lot of people in that subset are a bit prone to angst, self-doubt, and lack of religious faith.

I definitely count myself in that group. That doesn’t mean that I’m true to myself or that I’m not ridiculous. It means that I know that I’m not true to myself and that I’m ridiculous.

I don’t think you’re dumb or ridiculous compared to most people, scaredy. I just think you’re less in denial about it. (Scant consolation, I know. But it’s not really meant as consolation).

[The-Shoveler]

Somewhere is a different multiverse you are wishing you had settled down raised a family instead of being a starving artist LOL.

[barnaby33]

Poetic, but dumb and ridiculous. This thread, not any individual. Jeebus man, get off Piggington and go do something.
Josh

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=barnaby33]Poetic, but dumb and ridiculous. This thread, not any individual. Jeebus man, get off Piggington and go do something.
Josh[/quote]

I do some stuff. I bought a prius prime on wed. I do a lot of yardwork. I work. I ride bike. I eat sauerkraut. I watched BIG LITTLE LIES. I finished the nplusone compilation. I make dinner.

Dumb ridiculous meaningless activity.

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=The-Shoveler]Somewhere is a different multiverse you are wishing you had settled down raised a family instead of being a starving artist LOL.[/quote]

Something like that. Not a starving artist exactly. Maybe just an irresponsible manchild

In reality tho what a miserable path

[svelte]

I understand all of those feelings scaredy and have had most of them to one degree or the other. Well, okay the school hypnosis thing was kinda strange. The closest I came to that was when I was 6 or 7 and grew suspicious that the whole world was a charade that was using me as a scientific experiment, that my parents weren’t really my parents, etc. I decided to keep that thought to myself and watch for things that would prove my thesis. Several decades later they made a movie about that scenario: Truman.

That feeling faded after a few years and was gone by age 10.

I can remember walking around in about 1976 with a perpetual erection. Very embarrassing, but beyond my control.

I have fought the urge to spend too much time posing to make others happy. But I can tell you the opposite extreme ain’t great either…there needs to be an equilibrium in there somewhere. I suspect that equilibrium is partly what the Golden Rule is all about.

I used to feel inadequate about not being a genius. I’m mean I’m bright, but I’m aware there are others that are brighter. Then I worked for a company that was almost all Phds. I realized they effed up their lives worse than I did! Which led to the epiphany (to me anyway) that there is so much to learn in this world that no one can be an expert in everything. Sure they were brilliant in some areas, but that pretty much led to deficiencies in other areas.

You have something that is very valuable, scaredly. You are self deprecating and can pretty objectively evaluate yourself. Not many people can do that. It allows you to improve yourself while many others continue making the same mistakes and misunderstand the same situations throughout their life.

Also – remember how popular the topic of hypnosis was in the 1970s? Everyone talked about it! All sorts of articles on it! I’m sure that fed your thought process.

All sorts of things were popular in the past that are not even associated with those periods now. Lots of talk about gargling back then. Have no idea why. Nobody seems to remember that now. Mobiles hanging from the ceiling. Quadrophonic stereos. Roach clips. When was the last time you heard someone say “roach clip”? All they seem to remember now are lava lamps and pet rocks.

[gzz]

Quadraphonic never panned out (expensive and standards war) but Dolby 5.1 is only a little different.

I researched if there was an easy way to listen to Quad music from the 70s on modern surround sound. Answer: possible but very complicated.

[gzz]

I was watching an Italian TV show from the 50s where they introduced some elderly audience members. They looked awful compared to oldsters of today. The 70 year olds looked 85, the 82 year old looked 100. More wrinkles, more hunched over, and no dentures.

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