Yes. Dammit. I forgot i was a buddhist for a minute there. Thanks 4 reminding me! Maybe hit me in the head with a stick next time
Grr. Death and fear and worries and pressures catches me unawares.
Song we [used to ] sing at deerpark monastery in escondido as people arrive:
Happiness is here and now,
I have dropped my worries.
Nowhere to go, nothing to do,
no longer in a hurry.
Happiness is here and now,
I have dropped my worries.
Somewhere to go, something to do,
But I don’t need to hurry.
My first visit, i was so embarrassed to sing this song with all these people on sunday, holding hands in a big circle for godssake.
Young monk with a guitar and a giant smile leading us all in our off key warbling.
I thought i hated group spirituality stuff but…you get into it…you see new people kinda awkward like u were at your 1st visit.
Thinking ike…wtf is with the songs???? R these people furreal?
You dont really sing because its just too embarrassing.
But later youre belting it out. Fuck it. Who cares what newbies think. Theyll come around or not come back…
I miss it!!!!
You kind of get over the goofiness of it and the lyrics of thich nhat hanhs song and the profundity hit you
Buddhism , meditation, its a practice. Ive been way in practice. Lately im out of practice
(Worst shutdown loss for me is no day of mindfulness at deerpark every week. So glad i got to the retreat in feb before they shut down.)
Just knowing theyre there doing their monk nun thing makes me feel better. Send them money every mo. Got info on leaving a bequest.
So easy to get off track. Thats why i need this derrpark monastery to get back. But when. It could be years. Or not in my lifetime. 🙁
Need to get my own practice back on track.
I was meditating over 60 mins at a clip ….
Now 10 is taxing again.
Its always there to come back to.
I get shaky, scared and hurried. Pressured. Squeezed.
But its not real…or at least it doesnt have to be that way.
I still in moments feel crushingly overwhelmed. My friend who died, he lived without my brand of fear. Quit a tenure track prof. Position at an ivy league school. Expert in obscure research area. Quit to go a completely diff. Direction.
A brilliant, open, relatively fearlesstruly adventurous human.
Im just getting dumber and more shutdown and more scared by the day. More kids…more gtandkids…a larger circle of people to fear for. My mom, my wifes mom…they worry so much…such a large circle of potential disaster
