What GoesUp – I was in the same situation, just before I met the man who became my husband. Its true, if cliched, that time heals all wounds. It WILL get better, but in the meatime there’s lots of things to do to make yourself feel ‘human’ again
Do things that make you feel great physically – there’s no better antidote to the depression and lack of self-worth you feel – no matter who broke up with whom – than feeling and looking fit and healthy. Turning heads is a huge psychological rush, and even if you don’t feel like following up on anything at the moment, its great to know that other people find you attractive.
Its a way of showing love for yourself – if you feel anything like I did when I broke up with my old boyfriend, I needed to spend time just being nice to myself, because no matter how ‘amicable’ the break-up, theres always a tendency to feel a bit worthless and unlovable. You’re neither – you attracted this woman in the first place, and you’ll attract other women again, in time. Take care of yourself both mentally and physically, and you’ll soon rebound, bigger, stronger, faster, smarter…
Spend time on reinforcing your old friendships, and making platonic new ones. The old adage ‘friends will get you through times of no lovers, but lovers will never get you through times of no friends’ is so true.
Laughter is incredibly healthy, and just getting out and talking to people about stuff other than your own problems really helps to clear the cobwebs out. I found talking to people about their own lives and problems helped me put my own troubles in perspective. I found it all too easy to sit and brood about ‘what if..?’ when being on my own, but found being surrounded by good friends and just chewing the fat incredibly theraputic. Good friends are the best medicine you can have.
And, as hard as it may be, cut off as much contact with her, her friends, places you used to go together, etc…if she keeps on ringing you up wanting to ‘just be friends’ tell her that, at the moment, that’s just not possible for you. If she truly does want to be a friend, then she’ll understand.
If she doesn’t, then recognise that thats her problem – she doesn’t want to give up on the relationship, no matter how damaging it is to both of you. She’s probably just repeating old patterns you both used to fall into, beacuse she’s so used to it – she doesn’t know how to react to you in any other way. She’s not your girlfriend any more, so you don’t have to dance the tired old dance anymore. She’s only human, too, so recognise that her perception may be as out of whack as yours is at the moment.
Judging from what you’ve been saying about your conversations with her recently, she doesn’t seem to clear on what she wants either. All this chatter about ‘you’re insecure’ and ‘going out and having fun in Vegas’ sounds like her mechanism for coping. Know it for what it is – her stuff – don’t get sucked back into it, and look after yourself.
Not to say that you have to exclude her forever – but until you can walk around places you went to/seeing her and her friends without feeling like a trainwreck inside, then you’ll be doing yourself a favour by staying away.
Chances are, down the line, you’ll meet up again and wonder what all the fuss was about.
I really like my ex now – but I wonder, when I compare the relationship I had with him to the relationship I have with my husband now, if I wouldn’t have made a huge mistake by staying with my ex, had the opportunity arisen.
The ex is a genuinely nice guy, but I thank my lucky stars that our breakup directly led to my meeting my husband – 8 years down the line, I wouldn’t take all the Tea in China for having my ex back, over my husband.
Anyway, I’m sure that I haven’t said anything that the others haven’t said already.
Yes, you will feel like you’ve been shot in the chest for a while – losing a relationship is one of the biggest life stresses there is, short of the death of a child/parent/partner. Sometimes, its incredibly hard to bounce back, but bear with it, and be kind to youself.
I can’t stress that enough – just be gentle and kind to yourself.
And – ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you strong’. It may feel like the end of your world at the moment, but try and see it as an oportuntiy to find out what you want from a relationship, what’s important to you. Sounds cold, but reflecting on your own wants and needs will make you a more rounded person, better suited to give love to another, when the time is right.
Personally, I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t had a devastating breakup – it really is character building, no matter how crappy it feels at the time. Nothing like personal meltdown for empathising with others troubles.
