Let go of the tendency to want things to be other than they are.
Desire is suffering.
And all that.
You’ve done the mindfulness thing, so you know what I’m talking about.
I have a very similar tendency towards wondering why. And towards feeling like “i better get going.” But as I accomplish a few of the things I want to accomplish, I find that any lifting of the “i better get going” feeling is fleeting. I feel like I’ll always want more.
Svelte has given some great, concrete examples of what a “complete life” might include. And maybe that (striving toward a life that would feel complete) would be a better way to go. I don’t know. I just feel like you (meaning you, scaredy, or me, or people like us) might spend a whole life chasing some kind of complete life, feeling all the while that it won’t be enough, and then at the end feeling it wasn’t enough.
I remember when Don Zimmer died a few years ago. I remember thinking, “what a great life this guy had. Played baseball for a living. Had millions of friends. Loved his kids and grandkids. Always seemed to be having a good time.” Then I thought, “yeah, but he’s dead now. Was it enough? What did it mean?”
If I lived that life, a life about as close to perfect as I can imagine, what would it mean? Would it mean anything different from my life? If I lived his life, but with my personality, would I be any happier than I am now?
And to me that last question is the key. And I think the answer is no. You may be familiar with the studies that say that, other than for a brief period, winning the lottery doesn’t make a person happier, and getting paralyzed doesn’t make a person less happy. A person’s happiness level is pretty much set, and life circumstances don’t have much to do with it in the long run. So changing what happens in your life isn’t likely to make you happier. I’m not sure whether “more fulfilled” is the same thing or whether it applies here. But I think it probably does.
The takeaway there, if one is down with all that, is that to “get going” might not be the answer. If you could make your life into whatever you’re imagining that it could or should be, even if you could somehow magically turn it into a life like Don Zimmer had (or whatever a great life looks like to you), would you be happier than you are now? Would you feel like your life was complete?
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As far as what might actually succeed at changing our happiness set point, I’ve only ever heard of one thing that can accomplish that, and that’s regular meditation. Studies have shown that regular meditation can cause changes in the brain and make you happier.
I meditate regularly, and it does help. But my commitment to meditating and my meditating habits aren’t as strong as they might have to be to live a life without wanting things to be more or better. Ironically, I feel like if I improve my meditating habits and carry over my mindfulness to all my waking hours, I will be able to let go of the desire for things to be different, and things will be better then.
Which brings me to a question for you, scaredy: Are you still into the whole meditating/buddhism thing? I can’t say that meditation has put me in a place where I fully accept things as they are, but I think you’re more into it than I am, and I was…hoping, I guess, that a more accomplished meditater would have gotten something significant out of it. I’m curious to hear how (or if) it has changed you.
As Svelte is doing, my dad left a very complete record of his life for us. And I find it fascinating to read/look at. And I’m doing the same, along with pursuing other things that I think will make my life more complete. I’m also meditating, which does help my general state, but also in an attempt to be able to not want things to be other than they are.
Maybe ideally we would strive to live our best life and try to leave something behind but at the same time not constantly wonder if it’s enough or wish for more. Easier said than done.
