If by doing things the “right way” means that your spouse does not work, then I suppose, yes, it has gotten harder for both spouses not to work. This should be viewed as a significant “cost,” even though (IMHO) it is worth it for quality of life.
If you both have aspirations of a higher standard of living, or feel that you are struggling, then she should probably work. Most families that I know of have two working spouses, for many reasons, across all income levels.
I would not consider current lack of homeownership in San Diego a “problem,” though. The fact that the values have been inflated beyond reason in the past 5-10 years does not mean that you must participate in the farce. Hang on, resist the temptation to buy, and wait for prices to return to a more reasonable (historically) level. If you’re looking at other states (Utah, Texas, etc.), then it is a different conversation altogether.
But one has to keep in mind that, in general, the standard of living in San Diego is extremely low (excluding weather, of course). Costs of living are mostly high, and incomes are generally low (relatively speaking). You have to keep some perspective in that regard.
There has been plenty of advice from other posts about taxes, retirement, etc., but I am surprised that more people do not recognize that charity has a very high Return on Investment. This probably does not make sense to those focused on the P&L at hand, but there are other, more important benefits of charity. I applaud your commitment.
