[quote=fredo4] Then there are those who figure that they’ll just keep dating and not marry so that both will stay in the “trying to please mode”, but that isn’t the answer either. There’s no depth to a relationship that’s hanging so tenuously without any real commitment.[/quote]
There is an exception to that notion. The exception is for people who are divorced with older children. While marriage is still the best way to have and raise kids, it’s benefits dwindle as you age, after you already have children and it’s comlications increase. Let’s use me as an example. I was married for a about fifteen years and then when I found myself divorced, I read a few books asked some questions of divorced folks and children of divorce and decided I would never allow my kids to meet anyone I dated, I would never date on the nights they were with me and would never remarry until they were in college. So the years roll by and the time that they are both off on their own isn’t that far away. I recovered financially through a little hard work, got a new house, have my financial plan squared away and my retirement funds restored. I’m in my low forties and have found the balance that I never found when married, I can put my kids first, hang with my friends and take part in the hobbies I enjoy without anybody to object. I can also decide which college my kids will attend, how to pay for it, etc. I can also be in a monogomous relationship, even if it may not mean spending 24/7 with someone. I have my kids half the time so there are logistical issues compared to the weekend dad. Sure i’ve had romantic entaglements where it ended because of my rules and time constraints, but there are more fish in the sea, they understood my life before becoming involved and if they change their mind or get frustrated trying to change me, so be it. Not everything that doesn’t end in “forever” is a waste of time. Usually when I look back and analyze those failed relationships, they may not have been a gold digger but they needed me for more than companionship, more than half have washed up on one of the foreclosure sites I track, each time that happens it just reinforces my protectionist lifestyle. Many women find themselves divorced, without the means to maintain their lifestyle, send their kids to college, perhaps they have a deadbeat ex, many of them see a new man as their salvation. But it’s tricky figuring out which ones, so it’s best to treat them all guilty until proven innocent. In a variation of King Soloman’s problem solving, if they are aware that they will never be financially supported or have the ability to use the legal system to share in your property (read: prenup), that you only saved enough for your own kids education, they screen themsleves, because every woman thinks she is independant, but few are. Somewhere around date two is a good time to drop that bomb. It’s a bit underhanded to wait until after the sex starts before breaking out the manifesto.
So why would a typical guy like me ever remarry? If a woman was in a similar situation why would she? I have no big regrets about donating my last house because that was aquired in a team effort, we both had nothing when we started, I’m good with that. But the little empire I’ve built since then, I did it alone, it will not be risked. I didn’t like the Brady Bunch on T.V., I’m sure as hell not going to live it in real life.
