[quote=CA renter] It’s too bad our society has such a negative way of dealing with death. I understand the anguish when people are young; but when they are old, and have lived good long, lives, the end of their lives should be celebrated, and death should be somewhat accepted as closure to a fulfilling life.[/quote]
It seems to me that our society seems to have moved in the direction of assuming that there is a proscribed way of dealing with each and every situation, and there isn’t room for more than one type of emotion. If one doesn’t follow the “script”, it makes him/her a “bad” person.
Everyone has different ways of dealing with the process of dying, and it’s not unusual to experience conflicting emotions. The way in which a person dies can very definitely affect the way in which their loved ones mourn. Very often, relatives of people who die after a protracted illness experience guilt because they feel feel relief after the patient dies, or they don’t have a profound sense of grief. What they don’t realize is that they have been mourning the loss of that person for some time; the person they knew and loved and with whom they shared wonderful times has been gone for some time now. They *have* grieved – it’s just that their grieving period was longer than usual, and much of it took place prior to their loved one’s physical passing.
When a person dies unexpectedly, even when they are older, it’s always a shock, and so the emotions are more “compacted” and intense. Very often, the grief is compounded by feelings that we shortchanged the deceased in some way, and that there is no way to make reparations now.
Then there are those times when the deceased is a not-so-nice individual who made the lives of all those around him/her a living hell. I knew someone like this years ago, and – call me a heartless bitch – the nicest thing he ever did for anyone was die. He physically and emotionally abused his wife and children: he continued to beat his daughters well into adulthood, and emotionally tortured his entire family until he no longer was physically able to. The funeral was an interesting experience: you would have thought this guy was competition for Bill Cosby the way his daughters talked. And they kept wailing, over and over, “What is Mom going to do now without Dad.” My first and only thought was, “She’s going to be able to breathe for the first time in forty years.” The widow was the only one who appeared to be dealing in reality: she was “old school” and would never have thought to criticize her deceased husband or air his dirty laundry, but she could not shed tears or publicly express sorrow she didn’t feel. She was quietly respectful at the wake and at the funeral, however, I remember her kids criticizing her because she wasn’t wearing widow’s weeds and openly sobbing over the loss of her husband.
I know that many people believe that my generation (Boomers) are a self-involved lot. That may well be true, and, with any luck, Boomers will engage in a study of the last stage of their lives – dying. Perhaps it will result in people losing some of their fears and their denial, and perhaps engage in some proactive planning for that time in their lives.
Unfortunately, I also believe that my generation has been very selfish in not planning properly for its aging. There have been major societal shifts at the various life stages due to the immense size of the Boomer population, and the aging of Boomers will be no different. Unfortunately, it will be a shift that will place an enormous economic hardship on the nation, and coming on the heels of this financial debacle, I’m not holding out much hope that the younger generations will be kindly disposed toward our needs during this time. There is still some time to address the healthcare aspect, but between the vicious infighting among ambitious lawmakers and the aspirations of the major political parties, it will take a miracle to accomplish that.
I’m signing up for swimming marathon training, and laying in a supply of life jackets while waiting for this tsunami.
