You fail to see the difference between being kicked out and leaving by your own accord. I can’t believe parents actually would kick out their kids, but I also can’t believe parents would spoil their kids rotten either.[/quote]
I don’t fail to see the difference, and I’m not in favor of kicking out an 18 year old. But I think the 18 year old needs to be in school, working, or looking very hard for work. And that also means working a job that they may consider beneath them if that’s all that’s available.[/quote]
I’m glad you feel that way about kicking out your children. I agree that the parents shouldn’t be enabling the leeching as well. But that’s just me. There are many different type of relationships, and I don’t know enough about the details to cast any judgement.[/quote]
AN, I can’t speak for John, but I think that he is like many of us on this thread that are against giving educated and able-bodied adult children a totally free ride. The media is providing increasing amounts of coverage on the phenomenon of adult children moving back into their parents’ homes after previously moving out. Some have lost their jobs and homes, but many would rather spend their money on clothing, tanning, salon expenses, entertainment/drinking with their friends, etc. You can check out media outlets like MTV, Dr. Phil, Suze Orman, etc, where there is no shortage of parents seeking help on getting their 30-year-old offspring to move out and be responsible for their own expenses. Yes, certainly these shows take liberties with these stories, and sensationalize them to the max. But, being of “empty nesting” age, I have many friends and acquaintances who are dealing with this sort of thing. They do exist, and it’s not uncommon. I have to say that the majority of them *did* “spoil” their kids with material goods, and were never able to say “no” to them, even when they were toddlers. They were constantly bailed out by their parents when they failed to fulfill responsibilities and told that they were special and deserving of VIP treatment. Parents completed their college applications and wrote their essays.
These people would constantly complain about what they were having to do for their kids, and how their kids were not only ungrateful, but would heap verbal abuse on them (I witnessed quite a lot of this, and broke off some friendships rather than have to watch any more). They would talk about how they couldn’t wait until their children were “grown and out of the house”. They really believed that at some magical moment in time, their children would suddenly realize that it was time to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. What they failed to realize is that hadn’t given their kids the education and training essential to their survival as adults. When crises presented themselves, the kids handled them as they always had: by waiting for Mom and Dad to deal with it.
It’s not a difficult concept to understand: If you’ve never done anything for yourself or others, why would you do it now? If you’ve never had to pay for, or been denied anything, why would you pay for your own stuff now? These kids not only weren’t given the skills to take on adult responsibilities, they weren’t given the DESIRE to. And the really sad part isn’t that the kids have to learn “the hard way” about these responsibilities. Nope, the really pitiful thing is that their parents continue to enable them, sure that the “magic transformation moment” is right around the corner. It didn’t come at age 20, but maybe it will at age 25 or 30 or 40.
What many of us here are saying that we were expected to be contributing members of our families from early ages. At age 2 I was picking up my toys, at 5 I was setting the table, at ages 7 to 10 I was cleaning bathrooms, helping with laundry (including ironing in those pre-permanent press days), and learning to cook. I got a genuine sense of pride out of helping my parents when I was very young, and was proud of my cooking accomplishments as I grew older. I hated cleaning bathrooms and other housecleaning, but it certainly didn’t scar me for life.
My parents made it clear that at age 18, all of us kids not in school would be expected to pay room and board (if I remember correctly, it was about 15 percent of our pay). While we were given some freedoms, we had to continue to follow the basic rules of the house. I laugh when I hear a 17-year-old yell, “I can’t wait until my birthday so I can do what I want!!” I made sure that I told all my kids that they could do anything they wanted as long as they were living under another roof. If they were still under mine, it would be business as usual.
I have no problem with kids who remain at home because rents are too high, or because of job loss, or just because they want to. But I’ve always expected them to be contributing members of the family unit if they live here, and that doesn’t change when they’re 18 or 25 or 35. I would never “throw my kid out” because he wants to save money on rent or because he lost his job, or because I think he needs to live on his own because he’s 18. But if my adult kid was telling me to f–k off, or was “borrowing” my money or credit cards because he was “short on funds”, or was refusing to look for a job at the same time he was refusing to do any household errands or tasks, he would be escorted to the door with his luggage, and asked to return his key (my feeling is that if my kid wants to be treated as a guest instead of a contributing member of the household, I’ll treat him as a guest.) But my kids were all raised to be contributing members of a family, and, in the process, developed and acquired the skills to cope with adult responsibilities on their own.
