i finished the video. it made me so sad … it just has the feeling of fakeness. perhaps that feeling of inauthenticity is what compelled him to buy genuine boulders for his pool. there was just too much pretend. i don’t know what the answer is. it just fills me with a sense of despair.

perhaps all relationships are to some degree like this. we only love other people for how they make us feel, for what they can do for us. Perhaps love has no independent basis, nothing other than the meals we share, the physicality of what we do for one another. my kid was saying thatpa, I love you because you are good to me. on the one hand, it is true, and perhaps inevitable, thatwe love others for impure worldly reasons. But we like to beleive that there is something more, something deeper, or more spiritual, something more “real”.

i don’t know if there is anything more real. but it seems like there’s got to be a more real commitment, more real appreciation for others. More profound in terms of what it means to the individual. this just seems like, fuck, if the good times contoinued to roll, there wouldve been no problem, they wouldve partied on, and there would be no issue. that’s depressing in itself. it’s all about money…

maybe all marriage is is a financial arragngement for the production and support of offspring. and everything else is the story we tell to keep it all together…

we can call this philosophy, “Sadowskiism.” or “brutal realism” if you’re so inclined.

does it really make sense from a survival viewpt for mrs sadowski to stand by her man? his prospects are not good. she’s a bit over the hill but might be able to land an older fellow with some assets. if this were the animal kingdom, i’d say she’d best be served by looking for another provider and protector…