[quote=CA renter]IMHO, there is a very simple solution to the “adult kids living at home (and not paying for it) syndrome: charge rent, and refuse to do any of their chores for them.
Maybe my parents were messed-up, but we were required to pay rent/utililties as soon as we were able to get our work permits. It was a small amount, about $100-$150/mo, but we also bought our own food, clothing, cars, gas, insurance, etc. If we didn’t pay rent, we paid the utility bills. If we ever borrowed money from our parents, we had to pay it back **with interest.** We were doing our own laundry when we were around 10 years old (washing, folding, putting away), and were expected to clean up after ourselves, as well as do general household cleaning, for as long as I can remember. Heck, my own kids (9,8, and 5) are expected to put their own laundry away, clean up their own messes, and help change their bedding, etc.
Oddly enough, I never resented my parents for any of this. It gave me a tremendous sense of independence and the feeling that I could always take care of myself (however true or untrue it might have been at the time). I believe that the stage is set from a very early age, and that parents who expect their kids to fully participate in the household community will generally have kids who are competent and able to take care of themselves when they are adults.
Do these indulgent parents actually think they are doing their kids a favor by never expecting them to contribute anything to their own care?[/quote]
CAR, many of them are trying to buy their kids’ love. What they don’t realize is that, as far as the kids are concerned, there isn’t anything to be grateful for. Because the kids are never made to do anything for themselves, they grow up with a fully-developed sense of entitlement. They truly believe that it’s their parents’ obligation to pay for everything indefinitely. I don’t blame the kids ( a very loose term, since many are well into their 30s). If a sense of self-responsibility is not instilled in a child, exactly what is going to make them decide that they have to get up at 6 in the morning to go to work at a boring low-paying job (which, for most of them, is 99.9% of available employment)?
Many of the sentiments in your post echo those of a post I left yesterday, CAR. You and I had very similar experiences growing up, and while it wasn’t always an easy or pleasant existence, I reached the age of 18 fully prepared to go out and make my way in the world. I knew how to do most things for myself, and I was able to figure out how to handle unfamiliar situations and problems when I encountered them. More important: I was not only able, but *willing* to tackle obstacles, and not simply crumple up into a pile of sniveling self-pity.
My husband and I, who are extremely well-suited to each other and who have a very loving and close relationship, have almost reached the point of separation over his unwillingness to parent his 15-year-old. He was quite good about it until she reached her teens, and then, suddenly, virtually total abdication from responsibility!! He deludes himself into thinking that everything is wonderful, accomplishing this by not asking questions about the child’s after-school whereabouts or social plans, avoiding conversations about school, neglecting to attend parent-teacher meetings (the stepmother – me – attends them), and pointedly ignoring broken rules and curfews. He and her mother (equally clueless) are engaged in this fantasy that their child will be going off to college in a couple years where she will excel in some major that will result in multiple high-paying job offers that will enable her to move into a gorgeous high-end home immediately following graduation. Of course, this requires that they suspend all belief in the reality that she’s unable to spell, punctuate, and write a cohesive sentence, still cannot perform basic multiplication and division without a calculator, and is entirely bewildered by anything concerning fractions (including the basic definition). I’m finding it increasingly difficult to maintain respect (previously at a very high level) for my husband since his extreme reluctance to exert parental responsibilities not only implies that he can’t stand up to his teenage child, but will also result in lifetime handicaps for her. To me, that is just like withholding food from your child.
CAR, I fully agree with your opinion that childhood participation in and contributions to the household community will result in more competent and self-sufficient adults. And I will go further, and venture that this competence and self-sufficiency results in much better mental health in these individuals, in both childhood and adult years. Life is scary, from the moment you are born to the day you die. Imagine how much more frightening it is if you don’t feel like you have the skills to handle even a minor setback.
