“Oh God, give it a rest already with this whole Tiger Woods infidelity outrage. For crying out loud, don’t you know? Everybody cheats…
According to the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 45 to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men “engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship.” And that’s just those who admit to it. If you add 15 percentage points for those who are lying, 15 for people who would cheat but can’t—because they are too ugly, dumb and smelly to seduce somebody other than their ugly, dumb, smelly spouses—you’ve got a 85-90 percent chance that normal people in normal situations cheat.
“We wanted to believe Tiger was… true to his family values,” wrote sportswriter Jay Mariotti on Fanhouse.com. “[We wanted to believe] he was good and wholesome enough to help shape the world well into the future….”
Hey, Jay, are you daft!? You put the world’s future in Tiger Woods’ hands? Well, I say, thank God his wholesome image has been tarnished. Because it was a fraud to begin with. Wholesome images are always a fraud. There are no wholesome people, only wholesome reputations. And now that Tiger has shanked his, it means there’s less pressure for the rest of us to live up to a lie. It’s time for the cheaters of the world to come out of the closet. Stand and be counted cheaters! Let everyone see how normal and natural it is to stray. Let them see that cheating is human nature and there is nothing wrong with human nature. Let them know that maybe, just maybe, what is wrong is this unreasonable demand to be ever-faithful when every grain of your humanity is screaming, “Get some strange! Get some strange!”
Fidelity is so ’80s. Vows are for saps. Marriage is an eternity. Monogamy was never meant to withstand that kind of monotony. It’s unrealistic. That’s why I propose that all marriages should have an Infidelity Mulligan for every five years of bondage—er, marriage…”
