OT: “Bob Rubin Just Wants to be Cuddled”

[briansd1]

[quote=Russell]
I am not sure I agree that “fear of getting caught” is anything more than a natural part of any temptation thought process. The held belief that the act and consequences of indulging in the temptations would be negative on the whole seems more reasonably the controlling factor. The guys who actually cheat and lie about it are the ones who are afraid of getting caught. [/quote]

Fear of getting caught is one thing. But I think that the lack of opportunity is the biggest reason.

In America, most “respectable” married families live in the suburb. Get in the car, drive to work then drive back home. On weekends go to church.

In that environment, you meet the same limited number of people over and over again. It takes an hour by car to go anywhere.

Married people who live in the suburbs and who have the opportunity to meet interesting other folks tend to be more professional; they travel more and they earn more money.

If you have a regular 8:00 to 5:00 job, how do meet other people and explain your absences?

Now there are cell phones and your spouse can tract your every move.

I once put a friend into a serendipitous situation; and he happily grabbed the opportunity presented to him. But he’s too chicken to make a positive change in his life.

[davelj]

[quote=Russell]
The people I hang out with and have watched over the years value keeping their word. I have always avoided anything more than incidental contact with people who lie to their partners. This is not to say I think everyone honest can, or will, succeed at monogamy, just that some will be 100% truthful about it. I understand if you can’t imagine that scenario. Maybe it is rare.
[/quote]

I think you should rephrase that as, “The people I hang out with and have watched over the years have been successful at convincing me that they value keeping their word.” Some of them actually do value keeping their word. In my experience, however, for many it’s just an act. I know plenty of married dudes who convince their friends who are like you that they don’t lie to their partners because you aren’t the sort of guy they’re going to be truthful with about such things. Under the MAD (mutually-assured destruction) principal, most guys who cheat only discuss such things with single guys who empathize with their plight and married guys who are also out hound dogging around.

I can imagine the scenario you’re talking about and I accounted for it in my original post. But, yes, I think it’s rare.

As a thought experiment ask yourself this: How many guys in this group that you think don’t cheat and are 100% truthful, etc… if they were on business in NYC – far from home – and met a very hot woman that comes onto them hard and heavy and asks for one night of sex, absolutely no strings attached whatsoever (no exchange of business cards, money or anything), would turn it down? Would you? Maybe… but I doubt it. This has nothing to do with you, personally (I don’t know you, after all), but rather that the number is so low that if I generalize about 100 men, I’ll be wrong so rarely that’s it’s not worth contemplating.

[davelj]

[quote=Russell]
The people I hang out with and have watched over the years value keeping their word. I have always avoided anything more than incidental contact with people who lie to their partners. This is not to say I think everyone honest can, or will, succeed at monogamy, just that some will be 100% truthful about it. I understand if you can’t imagine that scenario. Maybe it is rare.
[/quote]

I think you should rephrase that as, “The people I hang out with and have watched over the years have been successful at convincing me that they value keeping their word.” Some of them actually do value keeping their word. In my experience, however, for many it’s just an act. I know plenty of married dudes who convince their friends who are like you that they don’t lie to their partners because you aren’t the sort of guy they’re going to be truthful with about such things. Under the MAD (mutually-assured destruction) principal, most guys who cheat only discuss such things with single guys who empathize with their plight and married guys who are also out hound dogging around.

I can imagine the scenario you’re talking about and I accounted for it in my original post. But, yes, I think it’s rare.

As a thought experiment ask yourself this: How many guys in this group that you think don’t cheat and are 100% truthful, etc… if they were on business in NYC – far from home – and met a very hot woman that comes onto them hard and heavy and asks for one night of sex, absolutely no strings attached whatsoever (no exchange of business cards, money or anything), would turn it down? Would you? Maybe… but I doubt it. This has nothing to do with you, personally (I don’t know you, after all), but rather that the number is so low that if I generalize about 100 men, I’ll be wrong so rarely that’s it’s not worth contemplating.

[davelj]

[quote=Russell]
The people I hang out with and have watched over the years value keeping their word. I have always avoided anything more than incidental contact with people who lie to their partners. This is not to say I think everyone honest can, or will, succeed at monogamy, just that some will be 100% truthful about it. I understand if you can’t imagine that scenario. Maybe it is rare.
[/quote]

I think you should rephrase that as, “The people I hang out with and have watched over the years have been successful at convincing me that they value keeping their word.” Some of them actually do value keeping their word. In my experience, however, for many it’s just an act. I know plenty of married dudes who convince their friends who are like you that they don’t lie to their partners because you aren’t the sort of guy they’re going to be truthful with about such things. Under the MAD (mutually-assured destruction) principal, most guys who cheat only discuss such things with single guys who empathize with their plight and married guys who are also out hound dogging around.

I can imagine the scenario you’re talking about and I accounted for it in my original post. But, yes, I think it’s rare.

As a thought experiment ask yourself this: How many guys in this group that you think don’t cheat and are 100% truthful, etc… if they were on business in NYC – far from home – and met a very hot woman that comes onto them hard and heavy and asks for one night of sex, absolutely no strings attached whatsoever (no exchange of business cards, money or anything), would turn it down? Would you? Maybe… but I doubt it. This has nothing to do with you, personally (I don’t know you, after all), but rather that the number is so low that if I generalize about 100 men, I’ll be wrong so rarely that’s it’s not worth contemplating.

[davelj]

[quote=Russell]
The people I hang out with and have watched over the years value keeping their word. I have always avoided anything more than incidental contact with people who lie to their partners. This is not to say I think everyone honest can, or will, succeed at monogamy, just that some will be 100% truthful about it. I understand if you can’t imagine that scenario. Maybe it is rare.
[/quote]

I think you should rephrase that as, “The people I hang out with and have watched over the years have been successful at convincing me that they value keeping their word.” Some of them actually do value keeping their word. In my experience, however, for many it’s just an act. I know plenty of married dudes who convince their friends who are like you that they don’t lie to their partners because you aren’t the sort of guy they’re going to be truthful with about such things. Under the MAD (mutually-assured destruction) principal, most guys who cheat only discuss such things with single guys who empathize with their plight and married guys who are also out hound dogging around.

I can imagine the scenario you’re talking about and I accounted for it in my original post. But, yes, I think it’s rare.

As a thought experiment ask yourself this: How many guys in this group that you think don’t cheat and are 100% truthful, etc… if they were on business in NYC – far from home – and met a very hot woman that comes onto them hard and heavy and asks for one night of sex, absolutely no strings attached whatsoever (no exchange of business cards, money or anything), would turn it down? Would you? Maybe… but I doubt it. This has nothing to do with you, personally (I don’t know you, after all), but rather that the number is so low that if I generalize about 100 men, I’ll be wrong so rarely that’s it’s not worth contemplating.

[davelj]

[quote=Russell]
The people I hang out with and have watched over the years value keeping their word. I have always avoided anything more than incidental contact with people who lie to their partners. This is not to say I think everyone honest can, or will, succeed at monogamy, just that some will be 100% truthful about it. I understand if you can’t imagine that scenario. Maybe it is rare.
[/quote]

I think you should rephrase that as, “The people I hang out with and have watched over the years have been successful at convincing me that they value keeping their word.” Some of them actually do value keeping their word. In my experience, however, for many it’s just an act. I know plenty of married dudes who convince their friends who are like you that they don’t lie to their partners because you aren’t the sort of guy they’re going to be truthful with about such things. Under the MAD (mutually-assured destruction) principal, most guys who cheat only discuss such things with single guys who empathize with their plight and married guys who are also out hound dogging around.

I can imagine the scenario you’re talking about and I accounted for it in my original post. But, yes, I think it’s rare.

As a thought experiment ask yourself this: How many guys in this group that you think don’t cheat and are 100% truthful, etc… if they were on business in NYC – far from home – and met a very hot woman that comes onto them hard and heavy and asks for one night of sex, absolutely no strings attached whatsoever (no exchange of business cards, money or anything), would turn it down? Would you? Maybe… but I doubt it. This has nothing to do with you, personally (I don’t know you, after all), but rather that the number is so low that if I generalize about 100 men, I’ll be wrong so rarely that’s it’s not worth contemplating.

[DWCAP]

Dave,

I think that depends upon the woman he is cheating on. I have had more than one oppertunity to cheat in my life (on my GF’s) and never have. Usually because I didnt need nor want the drama it would eventually cause in my life. Your sinario basicially is just a ‘without all the drama, would you…’ question.

Having said that there has been two women in my life who so fully consumed me that even though I was presented with the oppertunity to in both relationships, I never even considered it. With them, I was that 5%. With the others, I was the 50%. I think the ratios you give are a testement to how many people marry for love, marry for convience (social pressure) or marry for necessity (shotgun wedding 2010); and not a refelection of male personalities per se.

(please dont take this as a ‘blame the wife’ post, it most certainly isnt. its a ‘You dumbass, you married the wrong woman post.)

[DWCAP]

Dave,

I think that depends upon the woman he is cheating on. I have had more than one oppertunity to cheat in my life (on my GF’s) and never have. Usually because I didnt need nor want the drama it would eventually cause in my life. Your sinario basicially is just a ‘without all the drama, would you…’ question.

Having said that there has been two women in my life who so fully consumed me that even though I was presented with the oppertunity to in both relationships, I never even considered it. With them, I was that 5%. With the others, I was the 50%. I think the ratios you give are a testement to how many people marry for love, marry for convience (social pressure) or marry for necessity (shotgun wedding 2010); and not a refelection of male personalities per se.

(please dont take this as a ‘blame the wife’ post, it most certainly isnt. its a ‘You dumbass, you married the wrong woman post.)

[DWCAP]

Dave,

I think that depends upon the woman he is cheating on. I have had more than one oppertunity to cheat in my life (on my GF’s) and never have. Usually because I didnt need nor want the drama it would eventually cause in my life. Your sinario basicially is just a ‘without all the drama, would you…’ question.

Having said that there has been two women in my life who so fully consumed me that even though I was presented with the oppertunity to in both relationships, I never even considered it. With them, I was that 5%. With the others, I was the 50%. I think the ratios you give are a testement to how many people marry for love, marry for convience (social pressure) or marry for necessity (shotgun wedding 2010); and not a refelection of male personalities per se.

(please dont take this as a ‘blame the wife’ post, it most certainly isnt. its a ‘You dumbass, you married the wrong woman post.)

[DWCAP]

Dave,

I think that depends upon the woman he is cheating on. I have had more than one oppertunity to cheat in my life (on my GF’s) and never have. Usually because I didnt need nor want the drama it would eventually cause in my life. Your sinario basicially is just a ‘without all the drama, would you…’ question.

Having said that there has been two women in my life who so fully consumed me that even though I was presented with the oppertunity to in both relationships, I never even considered it. With them, I was that 5%. With the others, I was the 50%. I think the ratios you give are a testement to how many people marry for love, marry for convience (social pressure) or marry for necessity (shotgun wedding 2010); and not a refelection of male personalities per se.

(please dont take this as a ‘blame the wife’ post, it most certainly isnt. its a ‘You dumbass, you married the wrong woman post.)

[DWCAP]

Dave,

I think that depends upon the woman he is cheating on. I have had more than one oppertunity to cheat in my life (on my GF’s) and never have. Usually because I didnt need nor want the drama it would eventually cause in my life. Your sinario basicially is just a ‘without all the drama, would you…’ question.

Having said that there has been two women in my life who so fully consumed me that even though I was presented with the oppertunity to in both relationships, I never even considered it. With them, I was that 5%. With the others, I was the 50%. I think the ratios you give are a testement to how many people marry for love, marry for convience (social pressure) or marry for necessity (shotgun wedding 2010); and not a refelection of male personalities per se.

(please dont take this as a ‘blame the wife’ post, it most certainly isnt. its a ‘You dumbass, you married the wrong woman post.)

[UCGal]

[quote=davelj]
To expand on one of my favorite topics, my very crude breakdown of married men is as follows:

40% cheat (to greatly varying degrees)
50% want to cheat but can’t (unattractive, too busy, etc.)
3% gay
2% swingers
5% other – don’t cheat and don’t have any interest in cheating

What I’ve found is that the 93% in the top three groups spend much of their married lives trying to convince their families that they’re in the 5% “other” category.
[/quote]

I will agree that 50% of married men who DON’T step outside the marriage probably face temptation at one point or another – probably even multiple times a day.

Lets face it – the thought “I’d tap that if given a chance” probably goes through men’s brains every time they see an attractive person. But the key is – they don’t all act on it.

Does this correlate to them “trying to convince their family they’re in the 5%”…

I don’t think so. I think most wives know their husbands DO look at other women and sometimes think “Hmmm, I’d like to sleep with her”.

The key is – as someone else in this thread pointed out – most married people do a cost benefit analysis – and some percentage choose to ‘tap that’ (cheaters) while others figure, that for their situation, the cost is too high. They like their marriage/lifestyle and don’t want to risk it for sex outside the marriage. I don’t think that’s the same as them wishing they could cheat but not being attractive enough or being too busy… it’s just sticking with the commitment they made because they like their married life.

It’s kind of like desert – some people will NEVER say no to desert. Even when they’re full. Even when they’re on a diet. Others decide it’s not worth the calories or that they’re full – even though the desert looks really yummy. And a small percentage really have no interest in desert ever – no sweet tooth. The folks who turn it down do not necessarily live with regret over turning down the desert.

[UCGal]

[quote=davelj]
To expand on one of my favorite topics, my very crude breakdown of married men is as follows:

40% cheat (to greatly varying degrees)
50% want to cheat but can’t (unattractive, too busy, etc.)
3% gay
2% swingers
5% other – don’t cheat and don’t have any interest in cheating

What I’ve found is that the 93% in the top three groups spend much of their married lives trying to convince their families that they’re in the 5% “other” category.
[/quote]

I will agree that 50% of married men who DON’T step outside the marriage probably face temptation at one point or another – probably even multiple times a day.

Lets face it – the thought “I’d tap that if given a chance” probably goes through men’s brains every time they see an attractive person. But the key is – they don’t all act on it.

Does this correlate to them “trying to convince their family they’re in the 5%”…

I don’t think so. I think most wives know their husbands DO look at other women and sometimes think “Hmmm, I’d like to sleep with her”.

The key is – as someone else in this thread pointed out – most married people do a cost benefit analysis – and some percentage choose to ‘tap that’ (cheaters) while others figure, that for their situation, the cost is too high. They like their marriage/lifestyle and don’t want to risk it for sex outside the marriage. I don’t think that’s the same as them wishing they could cheat but not being attractive enough or being too busy… it’s just sticking with the commitment they made because they like their married life.

It’s kind of like desert – some people will NEVER say no to desert. Even when they’re full. Even when they’re on a diet. Others decide it’s not worth the calories or that they’re full – even though the desert looks really yummy. And a small percentage really have no interest in desert ever – no sweet tooth. The folks who turn it down do not necessarily live with regret over turning down the desert.

[UCGal]

[quote=davelj]
To expand on one of my favorite topics, my very crude breakdown of married men is as follows:

40% cheat (to greatly varying degrees)
50% want to cheat but can’t (unattractive, too busy, etc.)
3% gay
2% swingers
5% other – don’t cheat and don’t have any interest in cheating

What I’ve found is that the 93% in the top three groups spend much of their married lives trying to convince their families that they’re in the 5% “other” category.
[/quote]

I will agree that 50% of married men who DON’T step outside the marriage probably face temptation at one point or another – probably even multiple times a day.

Lets face it – the thought “I’d tap that if given a chance” probably goes through men’s brains every time they see an attractive person. But the key is – they don’t all act on it.

Does this correlate to them “trying to convince their family they’re in the 5%”…

I don’t think so. I think most wives know their husbands DO look at other women and sometimes think “Hmmm, I’d like to sleep with her”.

The key is – as someone else in this thread pointed out – most married people do a cost benefit analysis – and some percentage choose to ‘tap that’ (cheaters) while others figure, that for their situation, the cost is too high. They like their marriage/lifestyle and don’t want to risk it for sex outside the marriage. I don’t think that’s the same as them wishing they could cheat but not being attractive enough or being too busy… it’s just sticking with the commitment they made because they like their married life.

It’s kind of like desert – some people will NEVER say no to desert. Even when they’re full. Even when they’re on a diet. Others decide it’s not worth the calories or that they’re full – even though the desert looks really yummy. And a small percentage really have no interest in desert ever – no sweet tooth. The folks who turn it down do not necessarily live with regret over turning down the desert.

[UCGal]

[quote=davelj]
To expand on one of my favorite topics, my very crude breakdown of married men is as follows:

40% cheat (to greatly varying degrees)
50% want to cheat but can’t (unattractive, too busy, etc.)
3% gay
2% swingers
5% other – don’t cheat and don’t have any interest in cheating

What I’ve found is that the 93% in the top three groups spend much of their married lives trying to convince their families that they’re in the 5% “other” category.
[/quote]

I will agree that 50% of married men who DON’T step outside the marriage probably face temptation at one point or another – probably even multiple times a day.

Lets face it – the thought “I’d tap that if given a chance” probably goes through men’s brains every time they see an attractive person. But the key is – they don’t all act on it.

Does this correlate to them “trying to convince their family they’re in the 5%”…

I don’t think so. I think most wives know their husbands DO look at other women and sometimes think “Hmmm, I’d like to sleep with her”.

The key is – as someone else in this thread pointed out – most married people do a cost benefit analysis – and some percentage choose to ‘tap that’ (cheaters) while others figure, that for their situation, the cost is too high. They like their marriage/lifestyle and don’t want to risk it for sex outside the marriage. I don’t think that’s the same as them wishing they could cheat but not being attractive enough or being too busy… it’s just sticking with the commitment they made because they like their married life.

It’s kind of like desert – some people will NEVER say no to desert. Even when they’re full. Even when they’re on a diet. Others decide it’s not worth the calories or that they’re full – even though the desert looks really yummy. And a small percentage really have no interest in desert ever – no sweet tooth. The folks who turn it down do not necessarily live with regret over turning down the desert.

[Author]

Posts