OT: How much baggage will you accept?

[zk]

Taking on that much debt would be a pain. But that pain would be dwarfed by the pain you’d eventually be subject to by taking on a spouse with marginal (or worse) character, along with clearly bad in-laws.

I’m not saying she has bad character. I’m saying it’s certainly possible, and that I’d be way more worried about that than about the money.

Obviously I don’t know any more about it than what I’ve read here, but “I didn’t know” sounds like bs from where I’m sitting.

Even if she didn’t know, it seems like she should have. My guess is that she’s know for a long time that her mom’s a scammer, but either went along because she (your ex or fiancee or whatever she is) is also a scammer or because she was too weak to stand up to pressure from her mom. Either way, not marriage material.

[kev374]

yeah, definitely hard to believe. She says she was also scammed once in her early 20s by her ex BF for $30k which she paid off working 3 jobs. Now entwined in a scam again ? I don’t think she is a bad character actually – quite generous, caring etc. but I definitely think she can’t stand up to pressure from her mom.

Her bro is also a delinquent type – no job, education or anything but drives a Mercedes. Where does he get the money, nobody in the extended family knows anything which is too suspicious to me. He may be selling drugs…who the heck knows? The bro also hs shown violent behavior by punching the walls in the mom’s home (who the F does that?) and has called the mom and my ex the B word etc. Horrible guy… oh and btw he got some girl in a club pregnant, had a grand old baby shower and then when the baby was born the DNA test revealed it wasn’t even his LOL!

Man, this is material for Jerry Springer or what…geez! I tried not to hold all this crap against my ex GF as I felt it wasn’t fair to judge her for the behavior of her mom/bro but when I thought of it she is still influenced by them…and that is what was scary and made me leave.

[CA renter]

[quote=kev374]yeah, definitely hard to believe. She says she was also scammed once in her early 20s by her ex BF for $30k which she paid off working 3 jobs. Now entwined in a scam again ? I don’t think she is a bad character actually – quite generous, caring etc. but I definitely think she can’t stand up to pressure from her mom.

Her bro is also a delinquent type – no job, education or anything but drives a Mercedes. Where does he get the money, nobody in the extended family knows anything which is too suspicious to me. He may be selling drugs…who the heck knows? The bro also hs shown violent behavior by punching the walls in the mom’s home (who the F does that?) and has called the mom and my ex the B word etc. Horrible guy… oh and btw he got some girl in a club pregnant, had a grand old baby shower and then when the baby was born the DNA test revealed it wasn’t even his LOL!

Man, this is material for Jerry Springer or what…geez! I tried not to hold all this crap against my ex GF as I felt it wasn’t fair to judge her for the behavior of her mom/bro but when I thought of it she is still influenced by them…and that is what was scary and made me leave.[/quote]

My husband’s father is an absolute piece of dirt, but my DH won’t associate with him. IMO, that makes it okay, maybe even better than okay, because my DH recognizes bad character and chooses to disassociate with those people. IOW, don’t hold the person’s family against her/him, but DO pay attention to whether or not this person is defending the bad behavior or chooses to distance herself from it.

OTOH, money IS important in a marriage, no matter what the “love conquers all” people claim. I think people should choose someone very much like themselves when it comes to finance and marriage. It’s not a good idea to have a conservative saver marry a reckless spendthrift, IMO, especially if money/financial security is important to the saver.

Just my 2 cents.

[kev374]

[quote=CA renter]
My husband’s father is an absolute piece of dirt, but my DH won’t associate with him. IMO, that makes it okay, maybe even better than okay, because my DH recognizes bad character and chooses to disassociate with those people. [/quote]

This is the key. I was not convinced that my ex GF was not close to her mom, infact I am convinced of the opposite. Even if she showed that she was mad at her mom for entangling her in the scam she did not mention that she was going to cut off contact.

I mean, her mom made her sign some papers that faked a release of a property by a bank and that document was filed with the county). That in itself is a felony. Someone bought said property cash relying on the county records and the bank is now foreclosing as the amount owed was never paid. The buyer is now suing for fraud, damages and amount owed. Both my ex and her mom are claiming that they are now victims of a foreclosure scam. Yes, people claim they are victims when they are caught.

While I DO believe my ex did it to help her mom out I also think both knew it was something shady.

They way I look at it, when you don’t pay your bills and believe that somehow you can get rid of what you owe then you bloody well know that what you are doing is a FRAUD, no matter how you slice it.

And her mom is so sleazy that she made her own daughter sign the doc and throw her under the bus. Should someone stay in contact with such a person?

And all I told my ex is that I want to hold off on marriage and kids until this thing blows over…that is all I asked. This was unreasonable for her, she wanted me to marry and have kids regardless of the outcome of the suit and in her own words “if I have to pay this much money off then it’s a sacrifice that you will have to make to be with me”.

Of course, I chose the EXIT route. I live my life very cautiously and carefully. There is no 100% guarantee of anything but from my side I try my best to be financially cautious, save, live well below my means and not get into any issues. I am very financially stable but my condition reflects my choices in life. This also means I don’t have too much stress and I want to keep it that way.

[CA renter]

Totally hear you on that, Kev. Maybe I’m not getting it, but if your GF knew that what she was signing was fraudulent, then she is every bit the scammer that her mother is, and I would stay far away from her. If, OTOH, she didn’t know that it was fraud (and didn’t even have an inkling about it), then I would question her money/business savvy, and would be very cautious about getting involved with someone who could “inadvertently” get you both in trouble down the road because she “didn’t know” what she was doing.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear because you’re obviously attached to this girl, and that’s why you keep questioning the relationship here, but you have to use common sense when choosing a spouse. Statistics show that money is one of the top issues that can cause marital strife and divorce. Choose your spouse wisely.

Also, I’m a firm believer in knowing when something is definitely right. If you’re questioning the relationship this much, it’s probably not the right relationship for you. Again, just my 2 cents.

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=kev374][quote=CA renter]
My husband’s father is an absolute piece of dirt, but my DH won’t associate with him. IMO, that makes it okay, maybe even better than okay, because my DH recognizes bad character and chooses to disassociate with those people. [/quote]

This is the key. I was not convinced that my ex GF was not close to her mom, infact I am convinced of the opposite. Even if she showed that she was mad at her mom for entangling her in the scam she did not mention that she was going to cut off contact.

I mean, her mom made her sign some papers that faked a release of a property by a bank and that document was filed with the county). That in itself is a felony. Someone bought said property cash relying on the county records and the bank is now foreclosing as the amount owed was never paid. The buyer is now suing for fraud, damages and amount owed. Both my ex and her mom are claiming that they are now victims of a foreclosure scam. Yes, people claim they are victims when they are caught.

While I DO believe my ex did it to help her mom out I also think both knew it was something shady.

They way I look at it, when you don’t pay your bills and believe that somehow you can get rid of what you owe then you bloody well know that what you are doing is a FRAUD, no matter how you slice it.

And her mom is so sleazy that she made her own daughter sign the doc and throw her under the bus. Should someone stay in contact with such a person?

And all I told my ex is that I want to hold off on marriage and kids until this thing blows over…that is all I asked. This was unreasonable for her, she wanted me to marry and have kids regardless of the outcome of the suit and in her own words “if I have to pay this much money off then it’s a sacrifice that you will have to make to be with me”.

Of course, I chose the EXIT route. I live my life very cautiously and carefully. There is no 100% guarantee of anything but from my side I try my best to be financially cautious, save, live well below my means and not get into any issues. I am very financially stable but my condition reflects my choices in life. This also means I don’t have too much stress and I want to keep it that way.[/quote]

I don’t believe one word of her story.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but if you are even considering moving forward with this relationship it means that she must be really hot or you must be really ugly.

[scaredyclassic]

At the very least she must disclose all reports and be subject to one hour cross exam by atty of yr choice to satisfy your questions.

[Hobie]

Always trust your gut feeling. Which you did. Sleep well from now on. Soon you will come down from your your high, and say, ” damn, I dodged a pretty bullet”.

[NotCranky]

Ex-girlfriend? I guess that makes the real question; How much baggage does Kev have to work through before he can be in a healthy relationship, and especially not attract and spend several years with women who are beneath him?

[kev374]

[quote=Blogstar]Ex-girlfriend? I guess that makes the real question; How much baggage does Kev have to work through before he can be in a healthy relationship, and especially not attract and spend several years with women who are beneath him?[/quote]

well, things have always been great between us. We had great chemistry right from the start, a lot of common interests..we never ran out of things to do together. The reason for our breakup was purely the fact that I did not want the take on the baggage and her opinion was that if I truly loved her the baggage is part of her and I would have to accept it that way.

Countering to that I felt that if SHE truly loved me she would see that it is unfair to put a liability that is not mine potentially on my shoulders. What I expected was for her to say that she would hold on getting married until she sorts things out which I would’ve agreed to. But she wanted kids etc.

Isn’t this pretty common? 50% of marriages end in divorce, surely most of these marriages started out with both believing the other was their soulmate and that things were perfect between them…but what happened? How could things go from perfect to disaster?

And statistically upto 70% of 2nd marriages end in divorce yet I know a huge number of people who have divorced and rushed into 2nd marriages – because I guess the pain of being alone is too much?

There is the camp that believes that people who end up divorced were blinded by love and ignored red flags in the pre-marital relationship, then there are others that say that it is a gamble and hard to tell where the marriage will wind up…just a chance you have to take.

[NotCranky]

My wife and I will celebrate 13 years next year. We both had a lot of “baggage” if one really wants to dwell on that. Who doesn’t have that? Everybpdy covers up the baggage and acts like they have it together so don’t fall for that crap.

Our relationship hasn’t always been easy for both of us. I have no regrets and wouldn’t if we got divorced, except for the fact that we got divorced, until I got over that. We have a pretty nice family. I have 3 children that I would have given everything I had and more for the experience of having and knowing them and caring for them. But I always wanted children.

The “risk” is relative to what’s important to you too.

Same caveat as always….not saying that was a good partner for you.

[njtosd]

Wait, aren’t you the guy from the “would you settle or break up” thread? If so, and this is the same relationship, I think you need to compare your posts.

[scaredyclassic]

Would she write a check for you to clear up a 90k debt you have assuming she had 90k in the bank.

I bet the answer is no.

So screw that.

[NotCranky]

One day when the world is as evolved holding someone’s family against a person will be called what it is, bigotry of a kind. If something is being held against a person because the family is poor that’s called greed. Different question than personal debt, of course.

People who pair up in large part due to pedigrees often times get burned the worst.

Odd couples are happier.

[Author]

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