- This topic has 794 replies, 21 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by
CA renter.
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October 5, 2014 at 9:03 PM #778456October 5, 2014 at 9:04 PM #778457
ucodegen
Participant[quote=kev374]Actually she is the one who unfriended me because she does not want to read my posts and see how much fun I am having (her exact words).
Now, the more interesting concern is if I should unfriend my long time friends (close friends I have known for over a decade) because they continue to choose to maintain a close friendship with her despite knowing what I am going through.
They also leaked all my private info to her and I am unsure if they will do that again in the future. In addition in FB if they comment on my post I believe it would be visible to my ex as well even if me and ex are not friends.[/quote]
The fact that your long time friends are keeping a close friendship shouldn’t shouldn’t matter to whether you continue your friendship with them. I would be bothered by them ‘leaking’ private info. You may want to discuss that with them and that it bothers you and risks the friendship. Remind them that you and the ex are over/the past. The ‘leaking’ is interesting because it may have been through questioning/prompting of your ex. (Disconnects to look like she is moving on, but probing your shared friends to find out the info she would have found out on social media.)One thing to remember is that the best revenge is a life lived well (while the ex wallows in anger, self pity, etc). That she knows you have moved on and are living well may be part of that revenge..
October 6, 2014 at 3:00 PM #778467Hobie
ParticipantCE summed it up quite well. Run away from crazy. And stay away!
October 7, 2014 at 5:37 AM #778471UCGal
Participant[quote=CA renter]I have to disagree with a lot of the posters on this. I think that if you had a very close, longer-term relationship with someone, it’s best to have some closure. Both sides should be given the opportunity to vent and/or decide if they want to continue with some kind of post-relationship friendship. Many of the people I’ve dated weren’t for me right in a romantic sense, but ended up being pretty decent friends. I know a lot of people who’ve maintained good friendships with exes.[/quote]
CAR I see your point – but it doesn’t always work like that in the long run.If one party is more clingy/needy after the breakup or in denial that it’s over, it can get really ugly.
Like you – I stayed friends with some exes… but it wasn’t possible in every case.
October 7, 2014 at 9:03 PM #778477svelte
ParticipantHow much baggage do I accept?
I only allow two carry-ons. All the rest must be checked.
October 8, 2014 at 8:32 AM #778481kev374
Participantlmao! these days they are even charging for carry-ons 😀 Nothing in life is free!
Would like to thank everyone who responded to the thread. I agree FB has made relationships, regardless of kind, more complicated.
However, I find FB useful to easily keep in touch with some old friends in other parts of the country and world.
These friends of mine who choose to continue contact with my ex, well I will be blocking them as well and putting an end to our 10 year friendship. I just don’t need to be in contact with anyone who still patronizes my ex…especially since all my exes friend’s and family summarily booted me off FB.
October 9, 2014 at 3:47 AM #778497CA renter
Participant[quote=UCGal][quote=CA renter]I have to disagree with a lot of the posters on this. I think that if you had a very close, longer-term relationship with someone, it’s best to have some closure. Both sides should be given the opportunity to vent and/or decide if they want to continue with some kind of post-relationship friendship. Many of the people I’ve dated weren’t for me right in a romantic sense, but ended up being pretty decent friends. I know a lot of people who’ve maintained good friendships with exes.[/quote]
CAR I see your point – but it doesn’t always work like that in the long run.If one party is more clingy/needy after the breakup or in denial that it’s over, it can get really ugly.
Like you – I stayed friends with some exes… but it wasn’t possible in every case.[/quote]
Agree that some people can be truly nuts, but I’ve always tried to avoid those right up front, as there are usually some signs…like extreme, almost violent, obsessive anger toward exes. Never went past a first date with those (and some were indeed very scary).
I’ve been pretty lucky with the people I’ve dated, and most were really decent people. In my experience, if people feel like they are being respected and listened to, they tend to be pretty rational. That’s why I’ve always spent a lot of time listening if I was the one who broke it off. Always remained available for as long as it took and never cut anyone off abruptly (without continuing in a romantic sense, and always made that part clear). Never really had a problem, at least not anything major. Probably one of the main factors is that I never had a third party in the wings — no cheating, games, etc. And I’ve always been honest and straightforward about the reason(s) for the relationship not working. Based on what I’ve seen, people tend to fly off the handle if they feel tricked or betrayed; if everyone is respectful and cool, it rarely seems to end in a psycho, stalker blow-up. Just my personal experience.
One benefit of hearing them out is that I’ve had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes, they’ve had valid points — like my inadvertently making them think the relationship was more than it was based on certain things I had said. Listening to their complaints has given me an opportunity to change some things that might not have been right on my part.
Not saying it’s always been perfect, and some didn’t end with any kind of friendship, but nothing particularly ugly, either. And since there was always a chance that I’d run into them at a later date, since most of the people I’ve dated lived within a 5-mile radius of me and/or tended to hang out with many of the same friends from our youth (or we worked together…yikes!), always thought it best to leave things in the best way possible. FWIW, most of the friendships I’ve maintained with exes ended once I got married. Still run into a few once in awhile (still hanging out with the same friends from our youth), and it’s cordial, but nothing more.
The scariest men I’ve ever experienced were those with whom I had *never* had any kind of relationship, including the crazy stalker I’ve mentioned here before who followed me around for almost three years! 🙁
October 9, 2014 at 7:23 AM #778499NotCranky
ParticipantNever date anyone who uses the word “ex” at all.
October 9, 2014 at 1:24 PM #778506kev374
ParticipantMy friends are history… I blocked them from my FB. Good riddance!
October 9, 2014 at 5:59 PM #778510CA renter
Participant[quote=Blogstar]Never date anyone who uses the word “ex” at all.[/quote]
A very good and thoughtful point, but most people just use the term because that’s the norm. You’re right about it not being appropriate, though.
October 9, 2014 at 6:09 PM #778512CA renter
Participant[quote=kev374]My friends are history… I blocked them from my FB. Good riddance![/quote]
Sounds a bit overly-dramatic and unreasonable to me. You are forcing people into a “social war” that they had no hand in. They likely have zero desire to be a part of your breakup or romantic drama. If they like your previous girlfriend and enjoy her company, why should that exclude them from having a friendship with you, too? Who cares if they are still friends? As long as they’re not conspiring against you (and I doubt that they are), just let everyone be.
Your previous girlfriend didn’t do anything to harm you — no cheating, no abuse, etc. If she had, then I would agree that they shouldn’t continue having a relationship with her, especially if they are intentionally feeding her information, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
If you were really over her, you wouldn’t care about what she thinks or what she knows about your current life.
October 9, 2014 at 7:10 PM #778513kev374
ParticipantIt’s not over dramatic. I have already told my friends that they can choose to be friends with her if they choose. I took the mature option of keeping all people involved as friends on FB including my ex. My ex was the one who has been incredibly immature by sending me a unwarranted hate mail 6 months later.
And I can choose to be friends (OR NOT) with whoever I wish. And I choose not to be friends with whoever is mutual friends with my ex for the simple reason that I do not care to disclose intimate details about my life to people outside my close circle. What is so unreasonable or overdramatic about that?
I choose not to have that common link to my ex since I don’t want my news feed coming into hers or her news feed coming into mine through common friends…especially moving forward when I meet someone new.
I don’t believe my ex is a good person…she is very manipulative and a liar. I don’t want to be friends with anyone who thinks such a person’s friendship is that important at the cost of making me – someone who has been a very close friend to them for over a decade – uncomfortable!!!
In addition my ex has demonstrated that she is a bit irrational and crazy. I don’t really want to have a link to that even if that link is a passive link through a friend.
October 9, 2014 at 7:26 PM #778514CA renter
ParticipantSure, you can choose to do whatever you want. Do realize that you are disclosing intimate details about yourself to all kinds of people when you disclose these details to friends. They will often mention “a friend” (or even use your name) when telling a story that relates to something another person is saying. Most of the time, people don’t mean any harm when they do this; they’re just relating to others and using stories the’re familiar with in order to bond with one another and help each other out with various issues.
Your previous girlfriend sent you an email after six months…so what? Just have a chuckle (or see if she might have had a point) and delete it. It’s just not that big of a deal, IMO.
I’m just throwing in my two cents here — hoping to be helpful — not trying to offend you or anything. I wish you the very best in this situation, and in whatever relationships you have in the future.
…
Also, regarding that move to Atlanta, I’m going to fourth (or fifth) the suggestion that you try the Bay Area. It’s an awesome place, and there are so many opportunities there for tech types. Not as fond of Atlanta.
October 9, 2014 at 8:48 PM #778515kev374
Participantthanks for your input CA renter! 🙂
about the Bay Area, it’s not for me. While living in the city itself is definitely awesome that is hugely far fetched considering the cost.
More than likely I will be relegated to one of the horrible suburbs of that area such as Fremont..which in my opinion is a dump! And a VERY expensive dump at that! My buddy pays $2100/mo for his 1 bd there. Frankly I would not pay even $1000/mo to live in that sh!thole.
Another place San Jose, just plain sucks in my opinion. It is such a depressing place that I would just get bored out of my mind. Night life in San Jose consists of 1 street called Santana Row which I felt is a the very definition of a joke!
Again, if I had that kind of money I would just stay put in Southern California as I FAR prefer it to Northern California in every single way.
Atlanta is a very dynamic city. We have a guy in our office right now from ATL, a remote consultant who works for us..he is visiting our local office at the moment, and we’ve been talking. He absolutely loves it in ATL. Most people in ATL and elsewhere in the country I have spoken to absolutely love the place. The only people who diss ATL are those SPECIFICALLY from CA.
But to each his own, that´s why we have choice 🙂
Edit – and about the relationship thing, I didn’t say I was fully over her. I said I was trying to move on and I just don’t need any link with her even through a mutual friend…especially one that is leaking my info to her. My ex has a slightly stalker type personality and that is not comforting to note if I meet someone new. Read this thread again and do note the type of email she wrote me after 6 months and you will realize this yourself 😉
October 10, 2014 at 11:30 AM #778526FlyerInHi
GuestI agree that San Jose sucks, lifestyle wise.
Generally speaking, if you have money, then pretty much anywhere is fine.
But if you have to pay $1 million for a barely livable stucco box, then that sucks. Sure, if you eventually improve your career enough, then it’s worth the sacrifice… but statistically speaking, few do that.
A good way to improve your life is to marry well. I would stay away from the lowbrow or those who act like. Ok to hang out, but not marry.
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