OT: Dating Someone with Children

[svelte]

Wow, TG, I really like the way you handle this. I think it is very, very smart. It matches the way we thought of things: kids are a 20-year commitment and our world revolved around them until they were grown. It pays off in the long run – my kids have turned out beautifully and have both stated that they really appreciate the way we raised them.

It scared my wife while our life was so kid-centric – she has told me she was afraid we wouldn’t adapt well as a couple when they left. She now knows those fears were unfounded.

One thing I will say on this topic: it amazed me how many families with single moms used me, married with kids of my own, as a surrogate dad for the kids. I didn’t particularly mind and they had great kids, but I hadn’t really anticipated it happening. It appears that when kids get to be 7 or 8, they really need a dad. I’m not smart enough to know why, but I saw it repeated several times. It seemed to be more of an issue with only childs, but not exclusively.

What I did have a problem with is when many of the single moms, later on, got clown bfs. I had grown attached to those kids and to watch some idiot buffoon his way through raising them drove me bonkers. This makes me think that TG’s method of keeping his kids entirely separate from his new relationships – however long term they are – is spot on. There is a chance they will like this new adult in their life, but they may also see it as interference in what’s left of their family cocoon. Nice work, TG. Kids first.

This may seem like a contradiction (I say kids need a father figure at age 7 or 8, then say keeping bfs separate is a good thing), but it’s not: I think the kids of single moms picked me, not the single moms. Big difference. Once the single moms noticed what was going on, they encouraged the relationship.

Life has many unexpected curves so I don’t fault those previously married single moms for being single. Sh!t happens. But what makes smoke come out my ears is when I hear of a single woman getting pregnant intentionally on her own so she can raise the child sans father. After my experience the last couple of decades, I think that is the most selfish and wrong thing she could do. And those kids will point out this glaring mistake 7 or 8 years down the road – and potentially even harbor bad feelings towards her for depriving them of a parent intentionally.

[raptorduck]

While your post may appear selfish and a bit hipocritical at first (having your own kids but hesitating if a guy has his own), that kind of blunt honesty is what all those kids deserve. At least you are thinking about the fact that he has kids, rather than not giving it any attention, which is indeed selfish. So I don’t fault you for your view for that reason.

When I dated, if I met a woman with kids, I would not want to meet those kids until I felt it could be serious. Single moms are sacred. I would never just casually date a single mom. While I think you are dating her AND her kids, the risk of they becomming attached to a surrogate parent (depending on whether their dad is still in their lives) is significant. If it became serious, then I would need to realize that I am entering a relationship with them just as much as their mom. Some people are not ready for that, whether they have their own kids or not. Step parenting is no walk in the park.

If I were a single dad, and a woman hestitated if I had kids, I would want her to tell me and move on and would appreciate her for it doing so.

TG’s approach is a very noble one. Not many people can do that.

[raptorduck]

While your post may appear selfish and a bit hipocritical at first (having your own kids but hesitating if a guy has his own), that kind of blunt honesty is what all those kids deserve. At least you are thinking about the fact that he has kids, rather than not giving it any attention, which is indeed selfish. So I don’t fault you for your view for that reason.

When I dated, if I met a woman with kids, I would not want to meet those kids until I felt it could be serious. Single moms are sacred. I would never just casually date a single mom. While I think you are dating her AND her kids, the risk of they becomming attached to a surrogate parent (depending on whether their dad is still in their lives) is significant. If it became serious, then I would need to realize that I am entering a relationship with them just as much as their mom. Some people are not ready for that, whether they have their own kids or not. Step parenting is no walk in the park.

If I were a single dad, and a woman hestitated if I had kids, I would want her to tell me and move on and would appreciate her for it doing so.

TG’s approach is a very noble one. Not many people can do that.

[raptorduck]

While your post may appear selfish and a bit hipocritical at first (having your own kids but hesitating if a guy has his own), that kind of blunt honesty is what all those kids deserve. At least you are thinking about the fact that he has kids, rather than not giving it any attention, which is indeed selfish. So I don’t fault you for your view for that reason.

When I dated, if I met a woman with kids, I would not want to meet those kids until I felt it could be serious. Single moms are sacred. I would never just casually date a single mom. While I think you are dating her AND her kids, the risk of they becomming attached to a surrogate parent (depending on whether their dad is still in their lives) is significant. If it became serious, then I would need to realize that I am entering a relationship with them just as much as their mom. Some people are not ready for that, whether they have their own kids or not. Step parenting is no walk in the park.

If I were a single dad, and a woman hestitated if I had kids, I would want her to tell me and move on and would appreciate her for it doing so.

TG’s approach is a very noble one. Not many people can do that.

[raptorduck]

While your post may appear selfish and a bit hipocritical at first (having your own kids but hesitating if a guy has his own), that kind of blunt honesty is what all those kids deserve. At least you are thinking about the fact that he has kids, rather than not giving it any attention, which is indeed selfish. So I don’t fault you for your view for that reason.

When I dated, if I met a woman with kids, I would not want to meet those kids until I felt it could be serious. Single moms are sacred. I would never just casually date a single mom. While I think you are dating her AND her kids, the risk of they becomming attached to a surrogate parent (depending on whether their dad is still in their lives) is significant. If it became serious, then I would need to realize that I am entering a relationship with them just as much as their mom. Some people are not ready for that, whether they have their own kids or not. Step parenting is no walk in the park.

If I were a single dad, and a woman hestitated if I had kids, I would want her to tell me and move on and would appreciate her for it doing so.

TG’s approach is a very noble one. Not many people can do that.

[raptorduck]

While your post may appear selfish and a bit hipocritical at first (having your own kids but hesitating if a guy has his own), that kind of blunt honesty is what all those kids deserve. At least you are thinking about the fact that he has kids, rather than not giving it any attention, which is indeed selfish. So I don’t fault you for your view for that reason.

When I dated, if I met a woman with kids, I would not want to meet those kids until I felt it could be serious. Single moms are sacred. I would never just casually date a single mom. While I think you are dating her AND her kids, the risk of they becomming attached to a surrogate parent (depending on whether their dad is still in their lives) is significant. If it became serious, then I would need to realize that I am entering a relationship with them just as much as their mom. Some people are not ready for that, whether they have their own kids or not. Step parenting is no walk in the park.

If I were a single dad, and a woman hestitated if I had kids, I would want her to tell me and move on and would appreciate her for it doing so.

TG’s approach is a very noble one. Not many people can do that.

[NotCranky]

I agree with those who say most people can not do what TG suggest or does. It helps if you don’t want a very significant relationship of course. I never could do it with someone I felt was important in my life. I like companionship too much and would want to involve someone in my socials circles. Going slowly would probably be the best compromise.

Hats of to Bugs and people like he and his wife. I think of this as a heroic success!

[NotCranky]

I agree with those who say most people can not do what TG suggest or does. It helps if you don’t want a very significant relationship of course. I never could do it with someone I felt was important in my life. I like companionship too much and would want to involve someone in my socials circles. Going slowly would probably be the best compromise.

Hats of to Bugs and people like he and his wife. I think of this as a heroic success!

[NotCranky]

I agree with those who say most people can not do what TG suggest or does. It helps if you don’t want a very significant relationship of course. I never could do it with someone I felt was important in my life. I like companionship too much and would want to involve someone in my socials circles. Going slowly would probably be the best compromise.

Hats of to Bugs and people like he and his wife. I think of this as a heroic success!

[NotCranky]

I agree with those who say most people can not do what TG suggest or does. It helps if you don’t want a very significant relationship of course. I never could do it with someone I felt was important in my life. I like companionship too much and would want to involve someone in my socials circles. Going slowly would probably be the best compromise.

Hats of to Bugs and people like he and his wife. I think of this as a heroic success!

[NotCranky]

I agree with those who say most people can not do what TG suggest or does. It helps if you don’t want a very significant relationship of course. I never could do it with someone I felt was important in my life. I like companionship too much and would want to involve someone in my socials circles. Going slowly would probably be the best compromise.

Hats of to Bugs and people like he and his wife. I think of this as a heroic success!

[dumbrenter]

I am finding it hard enough raising my own kid (just one) while staying married in a stable household. I come here and am amazed to see how folks cope with even more complex situations.

[dumbrenter]

I am finding it hard enough raising my own kid (just one) while staying married in a stable household. I come here and am amazed to see how folks cope with even more complex situations.

[dumbrenter]

I am finding it hard enough raising my own kid (just one) while staying married in a stable household. I come here and am amazed to see how folks cope with even more complex situations.

[dumbrenter]

I am finding it hard enough raising my own kid (just one) while staying married in a stable household. I come here and am amazed to see how folks cope with even more complex situations.

[Author]

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