OT: Dating Someone with Children

[Anonymous]

I know it’s selfish.

I think out loud a lot. It tends to help clarify my thought on certain issues. Some of that thinking ends up in topics here on Piggington.

Cooperthedog, while I appreciate your perspective, your comment about me being anti-kid like davelj is incorrect. Raising 3 or 4, etc. with the two of my own would be a bit much for me right now. Hence my nervousness when I am approached by single dads. It’s normal. I was recently approached, he had 3 young kids. Honestly, I couldn’t deal. I would prefer to be cautious, thing things through thoroughly and identify my limitations than rush in and ruin somebody’s life.

bugs: Here’s the question you should be asking yourself – are you looking for a co-parent to help you raise your kids according to your shared values, or are you merely looking to fill a hole in your own personal life? If it’s the former then maybe you’ll have the interest to learn how to raise a blended family. If it’s the latter then bringing a guy into your household will only serve to divide your time and your loyalties to your own kids. You’d be doing everyone a huge favor by exercising some restraint.

I like what you had to say, Bugs and I agree completely. I HAVE asked myself that question, I just haven’t answered yet. 🙂

I actually like TG’s philosophy. Since my boys don’t see anyone I choose to date anyway unless it turns serious (and it hasn’t so far), I’m already living that philosophy. Like another poster pointed out, it does make sense.

I enjoy reading the different perspective on this topic.

[temeculaguy]

Marion, nice comments, and it is o.k. to think aloud and ask for advice, the fact that you think about it puts you ahead of the curve.

But my theory is not a temporary one until you get serious with someone, you need to keep it that way even if you do get serious with someone. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll deal with seeing you a few days a week until you kids are grown, depending on the age of the kids that may only be the length of a car loan and a lot of “serious” relationships still fall apart after a year or two. I am completely upfront about it when meeting a new woman, I make no bones about it, I mention that I will not see them on holidays, I use my vacation time with my kids and I won’t be answering the phone on the days and the hours I’m with my kids, final answer (never give out the house number, just the cell and throw it on vibrate during homework and dinner). It has a nice side effect of screening out the flakes, the gold diggers and the divorced women not happy with their new lifestyle economically as a single. I call it “psuedo-prostitute repellent.” It eliminates those that need me and leaves me with those that want me. I don’t mind having to get a new girlfriend when they can’t deal with it, that is actually my favorite part. It’s a win/win and it is a lifestyle you need to commit to for the long haul. If you find someone that fits into that lifestyle, great, if you end up dating dozens of people before that last kid goes to college, that’s great too.

[temeculaguy]

Marion, nice comments, and it is o.k. to think aloud and ask for advice, the fact that you think about it puts you ahead of the curve.

But my theory is not a temporary one until you get serious with someone, you need to keep it that way even if you do get serious with someone. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll deal with seeing you a few days a week until you kids are grown, depending on the age of the kids that may only be the length of a car loan and a lot of “serious” relationships still fall apart after a year or two. I am completely upfront about it when meeting a new woman, I make no bones about it, I mention that I will not see them on holidays, I use my vacation time with my kids and I won’t be answering the phone on the days and the hours I’m with my kids, final answer (never give out the house number, just the cell and throw it on vibrate during homework and dinner). It has a nice side effect of screening out the flakes, the gold diggers and the divorced women not happy with their new lifestyle economically as a single. I call it “psuedo-prostitute repellent.” It eliminates those that need me and leaves me with those that want me. I don’t mind having to get a new girlfriend when they can’t deal with it, that is actually my favorite part. It’s a win/win and it is a lifestyle you need to commit to for the long haul. If you find someone that fits into that lifestyle, great, if you end up dating dozens of people before that last kid goes to college, that’s great too.

[temeculaguy]

Marion, nice comments, and it is o.k. to think aloud and ask for advice, the fact that you think about it puts you ahead of the curve.

But my theory is not a temporary one until you get serious with someone, you need to keep it that way even if you do get serious with someone. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll deal with seeing you a few days a week until you kids are grown, depending on the age of the kids that may only be the length of a car loan and a lot of “serious” relationships still fall apart after a year or two. I am completely upfront about it when meeting a new woman, I make no bones about it, I mention that I will not see them on holidays, I use my vacation time with my kids and I won’t be answering the phone on the days and the hours I’m with my kids, final answer (never give out the house number, just the cell and throw it on vibrate during homework and dinner). It has a nice side effect of screening out the flakes, the gold diggers and the divorced women not happy with their new lifestyle economically as a single. I call it “psuedo-prostitute repellent.” It eliminates those that need me and leaves me with those that want me. I don’t mind having to get a new girlfriend when they can’t deal with it, that is actually my favorite part. It’s a win/win and it is a lifestyle you need to commit to for the long haul. If you find someone that fits into that lifestyle, great, if you end up dating dozens of people before that last kid goes to college, that’s great too.

[temeculaguy]

Marion, nice comments, and it is o.k. to think aloud and ask for advice, the fact that you think about it puts you ahead of the curve.

But my theory is not a temporary one until you get serious with someone, you need to keep it that way even if you do get serious with someone. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll deal with seeing you a few days a week until you kids are grown, depending on the age of the kids that may only be the length of a car loan and a lot of “serious” relationships still fall apart after a year or two. I am completely upfront about it when meeting a new woman, I make no bones about it, I mention that I will not see them on holidays, I use my vacation time with my kids and I won’t be answering the phone on the days and the hours I’m with my kids, final answer (never give out the house number, just the cell and throw it on vibrate during homework and dinner). It has a nice side effect of screening out the flakes, the gold diggers and the divorced women not happy with their new lifestyle economically as a single. I call it “psuedo-prostitute repellent.” It eliminates those that need me and leaves me with those that want me. I don’t mind having to get a new girlfriend when they can’t deal with it, that is actually my favorite part. It’s a win/win and it is a lifestyle you need to commit to for the long haul. If you find someone that fits into that lifestyle, great, if you end up dating dozens of people before that last kid goes to college, that’s great too.

[temeculaguy]

Marion, nice comments, and it is o.k. to think aloud and ask for advice, the fact that you think about it puts you ahead of the curve.

But my theory is not a temporary one until you get serious with someone, you need to keep it that way even if you do get serious with someone. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll deal with seeing you a few days a week until you kids are grown, depending on the age of the kids that may only be the length of a car loan and a lot of “serious” relationships still fall apart after a year or two. I am completely upfront about it when meeting a new woman, I make no bones about it, I mention that I will not see them on holidays, I use my vacation time with my kids and I won’t be answering the phone on the days and the hours I’m with my kids, final answer (never give out the house number, just the cell and throw it on vibrate during homework and dinner). It has a nice side effect of screening out the flakes, the gold diggers and the divorced women not happy with their new lifestyle economically as a single. I call it “psuedo-prostitute repellent.” It eliminates those that need me and leaves me with those that want me. I don’t mind having to get a new girlfriend when they can’t deal with it, that is actually my favorite part. It’s a win/win and it is a lifestyle you need to commit to for the long haul. If you find someone that fits into that lifestyle, great, if you end up dating dozens of people before that last kid goes to college, that’s great too.

[Anonymous]

TG, I like this post like your other one. I have a question: If you’ve been dating one person for awhile, why the objection to the kids seeing her on holidays? When someone is dating more than one person, the reason is obvious. So, I’m curious about that restriction, especially since your kids are older.

[Anonymous]

TG, I like this post like your other one. I have a question: If you’ve been dating one person for awhile, why the objection to the kids seeing her on holidays? When someone is dating more than one person, the reason is obvious. So, I’m curious about that restriction, especially since your kids are older.

[Anonymous]

TG, I like this post like your other one. I have a question: If you’ve been dating one person for awhile, why the objection to the kids seeing her on holidays? When someone is dating more than one person, the reason is obvious. So, I’m curious about that restriction, especially since your kids are older.

[Anonymous]

TG, I like this post like your other one. I have a question: If you’ve been dating one person for awhile, why the objection to the kids seeing her on holidays? When someone is dating more than one person, the reason is obvious. So, I’m curious about that restriction, especially since your kids are older.

[Anonymous]

TG, I like this post like your other one. I have a question: If you’ve been dating one person for awhile, why the objection to the kids seeing her on holidays? When someone is dating more than one person, the reason is obvious. So, I’m curious about that restriction, especially since your kids are older.

[svelte]

Wow, TG, I really like the way you handle this. I think it is very, very smart. It matches the way we thought of things: kids are a 20-year commitment and our world revolved around them until they were grown. It pays off in the long run – my kids have turned out beautifully and have both stated that they really appreciate the way we raised them.

It scared my wife while our life was so kid-centric – she has told me she was afraid we wouldn’t adapt well as a couple when they left. She now knows those fears were unfounded.

One thing I will say on this topic: it amazed me how many families with single moms used me, married with kids of my own, as a surrogate dad for the kids. I didn’t particularly mind and they had great kids, but I hadn’t really anticipated it happening. It appears that when kids get to be 7 or 8, they really need a dad. I’m not smart enough to know why, but I saw it repeated several times. It seemed to be more of an issue with only childs, but not exclusively.

What I did have a problem with is when many of the single moms, later on, got clown bfs. I had grown attached to those kids and to watch some idiot buffoon his way through raising them drove me bonkers. This makes me think that TG’s method of keeping his kids entirely separate from his new relationships – however long term they are – is spot on. There is a chance they will like this new adult in their life, but they may also see it as interference in what’s left of their family cocoon. Nice work, TG. Kids first.

This may seem like a contradiction (I say kids need a father figure at age 7 or 8, then say keeping bfs separate is a good thing), but it’s not: I think the kids of single moms picked me, not the single moms. Big difference. Once the single moms noticed what was going on, they encouraged the relationship.

Life has many unexpected curves so I don’t fault those previously married single moms for being single. Sh!t happens. But what makes smoke come out my ears is when I hear of a single woman getting pregnant intentionally on her own so she can raise the child sans father. After my experience the last couple of decades, I think that is the most selfish and wrong thing she could do. And those kids will point out this glaring mistake 7 or 8 years down the road – and potentially even harbor bad feelings towards her for depriving them of a parent intentionally.

[svelte]

Wow, TG, I really like the way you handle this. I think it is very, very smart. It matches the way we thought of things: kids are a 20-year commitment and our world revolved around them until they were grown. It pays off in the long run – my kids have turned out beautifully and have both stated that they really appreciate the way we raised them.

It scared my wife while our life was so kid-centric – she has told me she was afraid we wouldn’t adapt well as a couple when they left. She now knows those fears were unfounded.

One thing I will say on this topic: it amazed me how many families with single moms used me, married with kids of my own, as a surrogate dad for the kids. I didn’t particularly mind and they had great kids, but I hadn’t really anticipated it happening. It appears that when kids get to be 7 or 8, they really need a dad. I’m not smart enough to know why, but I saw it repeated several times. It seemed to be more of an issue with only childs, but not exclusively.

What I did have a problem with is when many of the single moms, later on, got clown bfs. I had grown attached to those kids and to watch some idiot buffoon his way through raising them drove me bonkers. This makes me think that TG’s method of keeping his kids entirely separate from his new relationships – however long term they are – is spot on. There is a chance they will like this new adult in their life, but they may also see it as interference in what’s left of their family cocoon. Nice work, TG. Kids first.

This may seem like a contradiction (I say kids need a father figure at age 7 or 8, then say keeping bfs separate is a good thing), but it’s not: I think the kids of single moms picked me, not the single moms. Big difference. Once the single moms noticed what was going on, they encouraged the relationship.

Life has many unexpected curves so I don’t fault those previously married single moms for being single. Sh!t happens. But what makes smoke come out my ears is when I hear of a single woman getting pregnant intentionally on her own so she can raise the child sans father. After my experience the last couple of decades, I think that is the most selfish and wrong thing she could do. And those kids will point out this glaring mistake 7 or 8 years down the road – and potentially even harbor bad feelings towards her for depriving them of a parent intentionally.

[svelte]

Wow, TG, I really like the way you handle this. I think it is very, very smart. It matches the way we thought of things: kids are a 20-year commitment and our world revolved around them until they were grown. It pays off in the long run – my kids have turned out beautifully and have both stated that they really appreciate the way we raised them.

It scared my wife while our life was so kid-centric – she has told me she was afraid we wouldn’t adapt well as a couple when they left. She now knows those fears were unfounded.

One thing I will say on this topic: it amazed me how many families with single moms used me, married with kids of my own, as a surrogate dad for the kids. I didn’t particularly mind and they had great kids, but I hadn’t really anticipated it happening. It appears that when kids get to be 7 or 8, they really need a dad. I’m not smart enough to know why, but I saw it repeated several times. It seemed to be more of an issue with only childs, but not exclusively.

What I did have a problem with is when many of the single moms, later on, got clown bfs. I had grown attached to those kids and to watch some idiot buffoon his way through raising them drove me bonkers. This makes me think that TG’s method of keeping his kids entirely separate from his new relationships – however long term they are – is spot on. There is a chance they will like this new adult in their life, but they may also see it as interference in what’s left of their family cocoon. Nice work, TG. Kids first.

This may seem like a contradiction (I say kids need a father figure at age 7 or 8, then say keeping bfs separate is a good thing), but it’s not: I think the kids of single moms picked me, not the single moms. Big difference. Once the single moms noticed what was going on, they encouraged the relationship.

Life has many unexpected curves so I don’t fault those previously married single moms for being single. Sh!t happens. But what makes smoke come out my ears is when I hear of a single woman getting pregnant intentionally on her own so she can raise the child sans father. After my experience the last couple of decades, I think that is the most selfish and wrong thing she could do. And those kids will point out this glaring mistake 7 or 8 years down the road – and potentially even harbor bad feelings towards her for depriving them of a parent intentionally.

[svelte]

Wow, TG, I really like the way you handle this. I think it is very, very smart. It matches the way we thought of things: kids are a 20-year commitment and our world revolved around them until they were grown. It pays off in the long run – my kids have turned out beautifully and have both stated that they really appreciate the way we raised them.

It scared my wife while our life was so kid-centric – she has told me she was afraid we wouldn’t adapt well as a couple when they left. She now knows those fears were unfounded.

One thing I will say on this topic: it amazed me how many families with single moms used me, married with kids of my own, as a surrogate dad for the kids. I didn’t particularly mind and they had great kids, but I hadn’t really anticipated it happening. It appears that when kids get to be 7 or 8, they really need a dad. I’m not smart enough to know why, but I saw it repeated several times. It seemed to be more of an issue with only childs, but not exclusively.

What I did have a problem with is when many of the single moms, later on, got clown bfs. I had grown attached to those kids and to watch some idiot buffoon his way through raising them drove me bonkers. This makes me think that TG’s method of keeping his kids entirely separate from his new relationships – however long term they are – is spot on. There is a chance they will like this new adult in their life, but they may also see it as interference in what’s left of their family cocoon. Nice work, TG. Kids first.

This may seem like a contradiction (I say kids need a father figure at age 7 or 8, then say keeping bfs separate is a good thing), but it’s not: I think the kids of single moms picked me, not the single moms. Big difference. Once the single moms noticed what was going on, they encouraged the relationship.

Life has many unexpected curves so I don’t fault those previously married single moms for being single. Sh!t happens. But what makes smoke come out my ears is when I hear of a single woman getting pregnant intentionally on her own so she can raise the child sans father. After my experience the last couple of decades, I think that is the most selfish and wrong thing she could do. And those kids will point out this glaring mistake 7 or 8 years down the road – and potentially even harbor bad feelings towards her for depriving them of a parent intentionally.

[Author]

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