Holy Sh…. I’m old…

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]Just bought 1 million term policy.

nothing magical about 18.

most of the heavy lifting is done by 7 or so, psychologically speaking.

money is maybe not quite as important as being there, but it’s comng up close behind….[/quote]

Yep, we just got additional term life policies, too. Already had term life policies, but added to them and these new ones will extend longer, so our kids should be able to make it through college, age-wise, with this.

Still, I fear leaving them; sometimes, I worry way too much about this.

[scaredyclassic]

Frankly at 1.3 million I’m death neutral. Kinda takes the pressure off. Uncoolto leave behind a financial mess.

With my luck I’ll probably live

[svelte]

[quote=CA renter]Since UCGal and CE have brought it up, anyone else here feel an incredible sense of worry and anxiety once they had kids? Like UCGal, my family has been overrun by cancer, and I’ve lived with at least one of my parents having cancer (5 “deadly” cancers between them, plus non-melanoma skin cancers) since I was 13 years old.

I don’t ever remember being quite as worried about my own mortality when I was younger, but once I had kids, I’ve become obsessed with making it until at least my youngest’s 18th birthday. Been worried ever since I got pregnant.

Anyone else feel this way?[/quote]

I did a deep dive studying breast cancer last year, and one thing I discovered was that women with young children were much more likely to choose mastectomy – often double mastectomy – over lumpectomy than women without young children.

Why? I surmise it is because women are driven to be there for their kids at all costs. Nothing is more important to them than supporting their kids through childhood.

A very admirable trait, I might add.

I didn’t realize how much anxiety I had over the responsibility of raising kids until my youngest one turned 18. That month, I can clearly remember telling my wife it was as if I’d become weightless…I did not realize what a mental burden that responsibility was until it was gone.

So yes, I definitely do know what you are talking about CA.

At the same time, I agree with Scaredy that a person’s mental composition is pretty much complete by 5-7 yo. So as long as you have supportive relatives that could look after your kids should you pass, you should really relax and not worry so much about them. Of course I’m one to talk since I couldn’t do that myself.

[scaredyclassic]

my opinion;

parents need their kids more than kids need their parents.

just my opinion.

[NotCranky]

Mental composition is there by 7, but helping them learn to live best with their personalities emotions strengths and weaknesses, interests and motivations is a much longer job. A 7 year old can be misdirected terribly over the next dozen years with very serious consequences. Nobody will do it perfectly but there is still a big job to do. There is a ton of ongoing care and nurturing due to them.

[CDMA ENG]

[quote=scaredyclassic]my opinion;

parents need their kids more than kids need their parents.

just my opinion.[/quote]

The prison system disagrees with you.

CE

[CA renter]

[quote=Blogstar]Mental composition is there by 7, but helping them learn to live best with their personalities emotions strengths and weaknesses, interests and motivations is a much longer job. A 7 year old can be misdirected terribly over the next dozen years with very serious consequences. Nobody will do it perfectly but there is still a big job to do. There is a ton of ongoing care and nurturing due to them.[/quote]

Exactly. And stories like yours, where you lost your mom when you were young, really tear my heart out. I just cannot imagine having to leave my kids behind and would do anything in the world to avoid ever having to do that.

[CA renter]

[quote=svelte]

I did a deep dive studying breast cancer last year, and one thing I discovered was that women with young children were much more likely to choose mastectomy – often double mastectomy – over lumpectomy than women without young children.

Why? I surmise it is because women are driven to be there for their kids at all costs. Nothing is more important to them than supporting their kids through childhood.

A very admirable trait, I might add.

I didn’t realize how much anxiety I had over the responsibility of raising kids until my youngest one turned 18. That month, I can clearly remember telling my wife it was as if I’d become weightless…I did not realize what a mental burden that responsibility was until it was gone.

So yes, I definitely do know what you are talking about CA.

At the same time, I agree with Scaredy that a person’s mental composition is pretty much complete by 5-7 yo. So as long as you have supportive relatives that could look after your kids should you pass, you should really relax and not worry so much about them. Of course I’m one to talk since I couldn’t do that myself.[/quote]

Interesting to hear that it was your youngest turning 18 that made you feel like the burden was relieved. I think that’s what many of us are aiming for. Elizabeth Edwards’ wish was to make it to her youngest child’s 18th birthday after hearing that her breast cancer had metastasized.

Unfortunately, we don’t have any living relatives other than my MIL who is barely able to take care of herself at this point. I think that’s why I get so stressed about it. One of my dearest long-term friends (since 5th grade) and her husband agreed to be our kids’ guardians; but, in the meantime, they’ve had four kids of their own and a heart attack and stroke between them (and they are health nuts!). Just not sure that they could handle it now, but I’ve not pushed the issue with them. Don’t want to hear that they’ve changed their minds.

Being a parent is incredibly scary. All of a sudden, you become very concerned about the future of society and the world, IMO.

Agree with your assumption about women with BC. There are a lot of young mothers out there who’ve discovered they have the defective BRCA gene and are opting for prophylactic bilateral mastectomies (and oophorectomies, going into surgical menopause), too. Anything to be there for their kids.

[svelte]

[quote=CA renter]
Unfortunately, we don’t have any living relatives other than my MIL who is barely able to take care of herself at this point. I think that’s why I get so stressed about it. One of my dearest long-term friends (since 5th grade) and her husband agreed to be our kids’ guardians; but, in the meantime, they’ve had four kids of their own and a heart attack and stroke between them (and they are health nuts!). Just not sure that they could handle it now, but I’ve not pushed the issue with them. Don’t want to hear that they’ve changed their minds.
[/quote]

Yeah, I shouldn’t have said “supportive relative”, as it really doesn’t matter if they are a relative or not.

I better understand your concern now – we had two choices for guardians of our kids should that have been needed. Over time I became fairly dissatisfied with both those choices as I watched the potential guardians lives unfold and how they handled a few events in their lives. But they beat any other alternatives we would have had by a long shot. Sounds like you are in a similar boat. 🙂

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=CDMA ENG][quote=scaredyclassic]my opinion;

parents need their kids more than kids need their parents.

just my opinion.[/quote]

The prison system disagrees with you.

CE[/quote]

we will them into existence to provide us with meaning. they exist with or without us.

i still say, we need them mroe than they need us.

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=CA renter][quote=Blogstar]Mental composition is there by 7, but helping them learn to live best with their personalities emotions strengths and weaknesses, interests and motivations is a much longer job. A 7 year old can be misdirected terribly over the next dozen years with very serious consequences. Nobody will do it perfectly but there is still a big job to do. There is a ton of ongoing care and nurturing due to them.[/quote]

Exactly. And stories like yours, where you lost your mom when you were young, really tear my heart out. I just cannot imagine having to leave my kids behind and would do anything in the world to avoid ever having to do that.[/quote]

better to leave em behind than take em with you!

[UCGal]

[quote=CA renter]
Agree with your assumption about women with BC. There are a lot of young mothers out there who’ve discovered they have the defective BRCA gene and are opting for prophylactic bilateral mastectomies (and oophorectomies, going into surgical menopause), too. Anything to be there for their kids.[/quote]

I had myself tested for the BRCA genes (before 23andMe made it less expensive and more available.) I was totally going to do the prophylactic surgeries. My mom died of ovarian cancer. It helps that
a) I was in my 40’s and done with having kids, close enough to menopause to not have the hormonal replacement thing be as much an issue if I removed ovaries.
b) could rebuild breasts to make bionic new shiny fresh ones.

Fortunately, I don’t have the gene mutation. And with 23andMe have confirmed I don’t have many of the cancer risk mutations.

(For those interested – you can still get the health info from 23andMe – download the raw data, then upload it into promethease. The FDA can’t prevent you from getting the information.)

[CA renter]

Good to hear that you don’t have many of the cancer mutations, UCGal.

While I understand the FDA’s concerns, it’s a shame that they have effectively shut down the health portion of 23andMe’s offerings. Hope they are able to get everything back on track.

[bzribee]

Wow. After reading all your comments I feel REALLY old! I just turned 60. Both 50 and 60 were difficult. Some friends and I decided to read and discuss some books re aging and I feel the stress lessening. At times I feel the need to do all those things I haven’t yet done, at other times I feel content with just enjoying my life as it is.

Too many friends dealing with cancer, and a number dying too young. One said to me, “The way I see it, we have ’til we’re 50 then all bets are off.” That really impacted me and helped me decide to retire early. Who knows what’s in store, but I want to be able to live as fully as possible. I retired early (58) as my job became too stressful. I now have a small business that I enjoy.

Lately, I”ve been aware that I’m letting the small business take over, and not doing the traveling I wish to do, so I’m re-evaluating again. Time to step things up.

Starting with 50 I became more aware of physical changes and I have to fight the feeling that I’m “old”. Luckily I have even older friends who are very active and great role models of what is possible.

I have been asked to be the guardian of friends’ children. I think it is easier to go from having kids and adding a few more, than it is to go from zero kids to all of a sudden becoming a parent–so I suggested they ask someone with a family.

Doing an estate plan, living will, etc took me forever but it felt really good to have the conversations and to get these done. Now I’m deciding on long term care, if they’d even take me.

It’s so weird to see high school friends–such an intense time–and realize we were hanging out together 45 years ago. Arrgghhh!!!

I believe Red Foxx said, “Won’t those health food nuts feel silly one day, lying in bed, dying of nothing?”

I’ll let you know when I get there! Meanwhile, I don’t have a bucket list but I am trying to say “yes” more than “no” each day.

That’s my (elder) take on things. I really enjoyed reading everyone’s experiences. It helps to talk about it–compare notes.

BTW, I became aware of body changes beginning around 40 but didn’t do much about it (“no time”). DON’T WAIT!

[scaredyclassic]

i like the “we have til we’re 50 then all bets are off” quote…

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