I wonder if most of the participants on this thread worrying about their parents are of the post-Boomers generation(s)?
Over the years of trying to manage my relationship with family, I discovered that the concept of “boundaries” wasn’t quite the right word for what needed to be maintained. I needed to describe a concept that did delineate, but not separate, because your fates are intertwined with your parent, who may become dependent on you. something flexible, and yet distinct, that allows for communication but is still protective and distinguishes self from non-self.
“Membranes” came to mind, and has stuck ever since — I liked the concept from when i first learned what those were.
So with that perspective in mind, I figured out a rough estimate of how much resources I would need to survive and assumed that was a good start for budgeting how much another person would need (season to taste as necessary), and quietly planned to how make enough money to cover two people’s needs without saying anything (and this may be a lot more, or less depending on your situation, basically whatever you can afford without creating resentment). Best case it would never be needed, and I would have a windfall, worst case I would be right and could spend it without fretting over my own fate. The reason I did not share this information is because it gave me peace of mind without turning it into a political football. I would turn the money into gifts of food, medicine, clothing etc. that I knew would serve needs directly. And by framing it as a “gift” not obligation, it helped mitigate the resentment that the parent didn’t manage their own affairs well enough to be financially independent. So I wouldn’t send money, but I would send useful gifts.
Anyway, just one more perspective from the voice of experience.
