Remember when I said that some men should never get married or allow their girlfriends to have kids? Well, there’s a female corolary to that. Some single moms should never contemplate bringing another man in their lives until their kids are grown.

I got divorced when I was in my mid-30s and already had kids. I specifically sought out single moms to date because parenting skills were important to me and I wanted to see those skills in action before I committed. That, and I diodn’t want to have to deal with a biological clock at some point in the future. We’ve been together for 17 years and it’s been good for us. But I’ve seen other couples struggle.

Most guys are all about being fair and trying to treat kids in a blended family on as equal a basis as each kid will allow. Some kids naturally require more work and effort that others, but there still has to be a baseline to start from.

Many (not all) women are more about being nurturing and protective than they are about being fair and equitable and rational. I’ve seen several women struggle (and fail) at accepting some other woman’s kids as being equals to her own. There are a lot of double standards out there, and that invariably causes a tremendous amount of damage.

The adults have to be the team and stand against all the kids equally. When it breaks down along bio-kid lines everyone loses. EVERYONE.

At best, raising a blended family requires additional coping skills, additional maturity and additional resources of all types. Just as not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not every parent is cut out to be a step-parent. Simple fact.

Here’s the question you should be asking yourself – are you looking for a co-parent to help you raise your kids according to your shared values, or are you merely looking to fill a hole in your own personal life? If it’s the former then maybe you’ll have the interest to learn how to raise a blended family. If it’s the latter then bringing a guy into your household will only serve to divide your time and your loyalties to your own kids. You’d be doing everyone a huge favor by exercising some restraint.