I had a much better I had a much better relationship with my parents as an adult (from about age 30 on) than as a child.) Unfortunately, they’ve both died, so I can’t enjoy that relationship anymore.
I had a great relationship with my in-laws… Specifically my MIL until dementia became a factor. Now she hates me. I wish it weren’t the case – and try to remember the good relationship and accept that she’s not the same person anymore.
scaredyclassic
May 13, 2014 @
12:08 PM
Will I be able to just be Will I be able to just be with my kids. Without judging. Lecturing. Giving advice. Disapproving. Wanting to change?
Don’t most parents fail miserably at this with adult kids?
scaredyclassic
May 13, 2014 @
12:42 PM
Problem. Parents set rules, Problem. Parents set rules, judge critique and generally try to form kids.
Then suddenly they are grown. No jurisdiction. Yet the kids are dumb reckless not risk averse and foolish. And broke.
Hard to hold back the advice.
CA renter
May 14, 2014 @
12:25 AM
Both. My dad was the most Both. My dad was the most wonderful father I could have ever asked for. Loved him until his very last breath…and still do.
My mom, OTOH, was probably narcissistic (NPD). She drove me, and everyone else in our family, totally nuts. Highly critical and judgmental, and very controlling. Nonetheless, I tried to always be there for her, and was there for her when she passed away, as well. I spent quite a bit of time with her during my adult years. She had some good qualities, too, as most people do. Just tried to focus on that part as much as possible.
It’s not always easy to get along with one’s parents, but I think it’s important to do everything we can to maintain a relationship with them, even if you do have to maintain some emotional distance and keep visits short and sweet.
scaredyclassic
May 14, 2014 @
6:43 AM
Short and sweet.
Sometimes me Short and sweet.
Sometimes me or wife cry after a visit.
Was probably too long.
CA renter
May 14, 2014 @
12:35 PM
As you’ve noted, the hard As you’ve noted, the hard part will be trying to turn things around with our own kids. Letting go is probably one of the hardest things a parent can do, especially for mothers, which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.
FlyerInHi
May 14, 2014 @
1:00 PM
CA renter wrote:which is [quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.
CA renter
May 14, 2014 @
6:07 PM
FlyerInHi wrote:CA renter [quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.
scaredyclassic
May 14, 2014 @
7:51 PM
CA renter wrote:FlyerInHi [quote=CA renter][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.[/quote]
To put it in investment terms, buying a house is like buying a pack of gum compared to the investment women put in children which is more like buying subdivision of rental homes.
scaredyclassic
May 14, 2014 @
7:52 PM
For men not as bad since For men not as bad since biologically were wired to think we could always make another litter.
scaredyclassic
May 14, 2014 @
7:57 PM
Like is probably the wrong Like is probably the wrong poll question since I like plunging the toilet. It gas to be done it gives me satisfaction. But I’d rather not.
CA renter
May 15, 2014 @
1:43 AM
scaredyclassic wrote:
To put [quote=scaredyclassic]
To put it in investment terms, buying a house is like buying a pack of gum compared to the investment women put in children which is more like buying subdivision of rental homes.[/quote]
Very true! 🙂
svelte
May 18, 2014 @
10:46 AM
CA renter wrote:FlyerInHi [quote=CA renter][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.[/quote]
Sometimes you do need to be more forceful. I went through this with both my mom and dad. I had to let them know clearly and forcefully they wouldn’t be making my adult decisions.
They hated my wife for the first 5-10 years of my marriage. Until they realized I had been right all along. 🙂 I truly feel they didn’t like her because she didn’t fit the picture they had in their minds for my wife. (not my problem)
My grandmother was notorious for hating the spouses of all her many children. When I flew my wife out to meet her (she lived far away), I braced her: be prepared, my grandmother is going to hate you since you’re not blood. We spent three days with her and grandpa, and at the end of those days my wife and grandma were best buds and remained so until my gma’s death. I couldn’t believe it!
Minds are too complex for me to figure out what makes people do the things they do. Sometimes I can figure out motivation (especially when $$ is involved), but many times I can’t.
scaredyclassic
May 18, 2014 @
12:35 PM
svelte wrote:CA renter [quote=svelte][quote=CA renter][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.[/quote]
Sometimes you do need to be more forceful. I went through this with both my mom and dad. I had to let them know clearly and forcefully they wouldn’t be making my adult decisions.
They hated my wife for the first 5-10 years of my marriage. Until they realized I had been right all along. 🙂 I truly feel they didn’t like her because she didn’t fit the picture they had in their minds for my wife. (not my problem)
My grandmother was notorious for hating the spouses of all her many children. When I flew my wife out to meet her (she lived far away), I braced her: be prepared, my grandmother is going to hate you since you’re not blood. We spent three days with her and grandpa, and at the end of those days my wife and grandma were best buds and remained so until my gma’s death. I couldn’t believe it!
Minds are too complex for me to figure out what makes people do the things they do. Sometimes I can figure out motivation (especially when $$ is involved), but many times I can’t.[/quote]
My parents hated my wife pretty much just because she was not jewish and not planning to live in nyc and probably also because they didn’t see their grandchildren as half mexican. . Eventually over a period of a decade she won them over. Man that was ugly. If I were her I wouldn’t have tried to make amends. I guess that’s why she’s the better half. Also I think they felt that at 30 I was just way too young to be making decisions for myself.
I don’t recall ever getting an apology for that shit. I still have a letter from my dad about what a giant mistake this would be. You’d think I was marrying some crackwhore from the intensity of it all instead of some sassy pretty medical school student.
Parents often project their own anxieties on the kids they believe they are caring for.
CA renter
May 18, 2014 @
4:58 PM
My MIL did the same thing to My MIL did the same thing to me because I didn’t fit the image she had in mind; she wanted a frilly girly-girl with whom she could shop and talk about fashion and makeup tips — my MIL was extremely beautiful and glamorous when she was young, so it was all about appearances. Instead, she got a nerd who dresses more like a truck driver than a model, and whose passions lie more in economics and politics than fashion and gossip. 😉 The fact that she was a single parent of her only son/child made things that much worse. She was pretty brutal for the first few years.
Now, she’s seen how happy her son and grandkids are, and I’ve been the one to help her out when she’s had medical problems (which is something she’d never do for another person). She’s come all the way around now, but it was a long, tough road.
Mothers can be brutal. I hope to never be that kind of mother.
svelte
May 18, 2014 @
5:18 PM
scaredyclassic wrote:
[quote=scaredyclassic]
Eventually over a period of a decade she won them over. Man that was ugly. If I were her I wouldn’t have tried to make amends. I guess that’s why she’s the better half.
[/quote]
I hear ya. Those years were indeed rough. Vitriol like I couldn’t believe. One year, my parent’s Christmas gift to my wife was a pair of huge granny panties. ??? wtf ???
[quote=scaredyclassic]
I don’t recall ever getting an apology for that shit. I still have a letter from my dad about what a giant mistake this would be.
[/quote]
I figured out at about the 10 year mark that they knew they had made a misjudgment. But it wasn’t until my mom knew she had but days left to live that she called me over to her bedside and told me what a wonderful wife I had. That was her way of apologizing and saying that I had been right. I appreciated it.
[quote=scaredyclassic]
You’d think I was marrying some crackwhore from the intensity of it all instead of some sassy pretty medical school student.
[/quote]
lol yeah there were days I regretted having not dated skanks for the two or so years before I met my wife….just so my folks would have viewed her through a different lens and been oh so appreciative of her.
[quote=CA Renter]
My MIL did the same thing to me because I didn’t fit the image she had in mind; she wanted a frilly girly-girl with whom she could shop and talk about fashion and makeup tips — my MIL was extremely beautiful and glamorous when she was young, so it was all about appearances. Instead, she got a nerd who dresses more like a truck driver than a model, and whose passions lie more in economics and politics than fashion and gossip. [/quote]
I think my Mom thought I’d marry someone like her…a stay-at-home mom who quilted and did arts and crafts all day making frilly things and dressing girly.
Instead, I married a woman who earned a degree, worked full time, and loved to dress sexy. Just the opposite of her.
Hmmm. Now that I’m typing this, maybe she viewed that as a slap in the face…that I picked her opposite. It wasn’t really – I loved my mother…I just wanted something different in a spouse.
joec
May 18, 2014 @
5:49 PM
I think by default (like I think by default (like 95%), mothers never like your wife. At least from everyone I’ve asked…
CA renter
May 18, 2014 @
6:06 PM
joec wrote:I think by default [quote=joec]I think by default (like 95%), mothers never like your wife. At least from everyone I’ve asked…[/quote]
Never thought I’d say this because it seemed so incredible when I was younger, but after my own experience and the experiences of friends and family members, Freud was right.
UCGal
May 19, 2014 @
9:05 AM
My parents loved my husband My parents loved my husband from the first meeting. It was because I was 37, hadn’t married, hadn’t produced grandkids. He met the criteria: Male & breathing. LOL. I think their grandparent bio clock was ticking louder than my maternal bio clock.
I’d been warned that my MIL didn’t like any of her other daughter in laws, and had hated every girlfriend my husband had brought by. I was terrified to meet her. Turned out she was looking to make sure I wasn’t a “gold digger”. She saw I had a paying career and owned my own home and wasn’t looking for someone to support me…. I was “in”.
My aunt has not approved of any of the girlfriends/wives of my cousins. My one cousin is married to a wonderful woman and very happy. My aunt will never get past her religion. Parents are weird.
NotCranky
May 18, 2014 @
6:01 PM
Of any gift my wife , my kids Of any gift my wife , my kids , or even I get from her mother during the year our anniversary present is pretty significantly the smallest. I never even thought about it until this year. She gave us a card and 50 cash. She really does pick the nicest cards year round and is pretty generous. Is the proportion on the gifts typical, or does it say something about what she thinks of our marriage? LOL. I could care less about the traditional anniversary gift schedule but if I am being slighted I want to know it dammit!
Before getting married I didn’t do much gift getting and giving between adults so that part is a little strange anyway. Holidays are weird in my book.
zk
May 19, 2014 @
11:52 AM
scaredyclassic wrote:
My [quote=scaredyclassic]
My parents hated my wife pretty much just because she was not jewish and not planning to live in nyc and probably also because they didn’t see their grandchildren as half mexican. [/quote]
My mom and my sister sat me down after I’d been dating my wife for a few months and said they thought I should break up with her. Mildly amused, I asked why. They said because I was taking advantage of her. She was clearly crazy about me and was submissive to me and I was dominating her. I immediately went from mildly amused to incredibly amused. Me dominating her! Good god, if they only knew. Not sure if the stereotype of the submissive Asian woman (which wouldn’t exist if they weren’t good actors) was in their minds or if my wife was playing that role too well, but that’s what they thought.
I like women who think for themselves. I like strong women, and that’s a big part of what I love about my wife. But sometimes I think that perhaps I overshot the mark just a bit. Me dominating her. Jeez.
scaredyclassic
May 19, 2014 @
10:04 PM
old people are not as smart old people are not as smart as they think they are. they think by virtue of merely having experience, that somehow they are wise. in reality, many of them are dumber than shit. at the very least, they’re going to be on a bell curve. many of them are behind the times, kind of scared, have outdated prejudices, are excessively conservative, and they generally think they know their kids better than the kids know theirselves. they therefore are prone to saying stupid offensive things and giving truly shit advice.
if you are becoming an old person, you should be aware of this tendency, and learn to shut the fuck up, so that your kids don’t file you under “irrelevant” or worse, “irritating”.
svelte
May 20, 2014 @
7:00 AM
zk wrote:
She was clearly [quote=zk]
She was clearly crazy about me and was submissive to me and I was dominating her. I immediately went from mildly amused to incredibly amused. Me dominating her! Good god, if they only knew.[/quote]
Lol – I went through this same thing too! My mom kept telling me she was dominating me. All I could think was MOM take a freaking look around! Everything we bought? My taste. Everyplace we went? Somewhere I wanted to go. Now it helped that my wife has similar taste/desires so it wasn’t like she was deferring to me, but it damn sure wasn’t me being railroaded into things I didn’t want to do or buy. And the kicker? We saw my parents weekly and hers every 6 months or so. Really mom? She’s dominating me???
If anything I had become adept at turning the decisions into outcomes I wanted…I just made sure those decisions would also be things my wife would like. Hey I’m fair and really wouldn’t have fun if we were doing/buying something just because it pleased me.
[quote=zk]
I like women who think for themselves. I like strong women, and that’s a big part of what I love about my wife. But sometimes I think that perhaps I overshot the mark just a bit. Me dominating her. Jeez.[/quote]
Oh I agree about strong women. Would not want one who was easily dominated.
We have friends in the LA area who own a club we go to. He’s about 70, his Asian wife is about 35-40…they’ve been married for years. Last time we were at their club she was barking orders at him one after another. All things that needed to be done, but you could see he was getting frazzled. He looked at me and said “back in her country she didn’t say a word – women don’t speak back there. But bring her over here and I can’t shut her up!!” It was in a jesting tone and she laughed, but I thought it was funny.
Finally, this thread seems to have veered to mothers hating spouses. I just want to point out that my father caused just as many if not more problems than my mom. They were equal opportunity offenders.
And CA Renter I wouldn’t worry about you turning into the same thing…I doubt you will. My wife and I love both our kids spouses. They made great choices. Maybe part of it is we are absolutely resolved not to turn into our parents. 🙂
scaredyclassic
May 20, 2014 @
7:38 AM
svelte wrote:zk wrote:
She [quote=svelte][quote=zk]
She was clearly crazy about me and was submissive to me and I was dominating her. I immediately went from mildly amused to incredibly amused. Me dominating her! Good god, if they only knew.[/quote]
Lol – I went through this same thing too! My mom kept telling me she was dominating me. All I could think was MOM take a freaking look around! Everything we bought? My taste. Everyplace we went? Somewhere I wanted to go. Now it helped that my wife has similar taste/desires so it wasn’t like she was deferring to me, but it damn sure wasn’t me being railroaded into things I didn’t want to do or buy. And the kicker? We saw my parents weekly and hers every 6 months or so. Really mom? She’s dominating me???
If anything I had become adept at turning the decisions into outcomes I wanted…I just made sure those decisions would also be things my wife would like. Hey I’m fair and really wouldn’t have fun if we were doing/buying something just because it pleased me.
[quote=zk]
I like women who think for themselves. I like strong women, and that’s a big part of what I love about my wife. But sometimes I think that perhaps I overshot the mark just a bit. Me dominating her. Jeez.[/quote]
Oh I agree about strong women. Would not want one who was easily dominated.
We have friends in the LA area who own a club we go to. He’s about 70, his Asian wife is about 35-40…they’ve been married for years. Last time we were at their club she was barking orders at him one after another. All things that needed to be done, but you could see he was getting frazzled. He looked at me and said “back in her country she didn’t say a word – women don’t speak back there. But bring her over here and I can’t shut her up!!” It was in a jesting tone and she laughed, but I thought it was funny.
Finally, this thread seems to have veered to mothers hating spouses. I just want to point out that my father caused just as many if not more problems than my mom. They were equal opportunity offenders.
And CA Renter I wouldn’t worry about you turning into the same thing…I doubt you will. My wife and I love both our kids spouses. They made great choices. Maybe part of it is we are absolutely resolved not to turn into our parents. :-)[/quote]
the whole thing makes me bristle. parents who even remotely criticize kids or their kids marital dynamics should be equally opne to critique of their own marital dynamics. that would be fair. but since that would be intolerable the reverse is equally obnoxious.
NotCranky
May 20, 2014 @
11:28 AM
I know the most problematic I know the most problematic aspects of each of my kid’s personalities.
youngest, directly pushy
middle, people pleaser follower,
Oldest, passive agressive blame shifter with symptoms of avoidance.
I want to help them to the point that they don’t let those things harm them if I can….but most of all I want them to have self acceptance because each of them is wonderful too. My mission is self acceptance for them balanced with responsibility, until I have to butt out of course. I want those things for them even if I don’t have them or haven’t had them most of my life. I know I am not the most competent person in any function….but that doesn’t mean i shouldn’t interject. That’s our job…until it’s not.
We do talk about when parents should step to the side on various issues.. let them participate in that decision making and in general prepare us all for the general transition to independence.
NotCranky
May 20, 2014 @
11:33 AM
BTW, The positive results to BTW, The positive results to your poll are not what you would predict or even believe, right scaredy? What’s your explanation for them?
scaredyclassic
May 20, 2014 @
6:56 PM
Blogstar wrote:BTW, The [quote=Blogstar]BTW, The positive results to your poll are not what you would predict or even believe, right scaredy? What’s your explanation for them?[/quote]
we live in denial.
All the I think I do responses are deeply conflicted.
Some people do like their folks.
I’m always charmed when I see a parent child law partnership.
svelte
May 21, 2014 @
12:56 AM
scaredyclassic wrote:
the [quote=scaredyclassic]
the whole thing makes me bristle. parents who even remotely criticize kids or their kids marital dynamics should be equally opne to critique of their own marital dynamics. that would be fair. [/quote]
This thought intrigued me all day. What would have happened if I had told my folks that every time they pointed out a fault in my wife / our marriage, I was going to return the favor in their direction?
My 50 yo self loves that idea. Would it have worked? I’m not sure. It may have driven their anger underground and let it build up, instead of venting regularly as they did. We’ll never know, but it would be an interesting comparison running the two alternate scenarios side by side.
[quote=zk]
If he didn’t, he kept it to himself, and kudos to him for that.
[/quote]
+1
zk
May 20, 2014 @
1:46 PM
svelte wrote:
Finally, this [quote=svelte]
Finally, this thread seems to have veered to mothers hating spouses. I just want to point out that my father caused just as many if not more problems than my mom. They were equal opportunity offenders.
[/quote]
Fortunately, my mom ended up liking my wife a lot, especially when she found out how strong she actually is. Mom was a wonderful lady, except for being a bit of a sexist who prejudged most or all men (including me) as having chauvinistic, dominating tendencies. So she was happy to find out I wasn’t dominating the relationship. I think my dad was proud of my long streak of attractive and fun women and a bit disappointed to see me settle down. But he liked her, too. At least I think he did. If he didn’t, he kept it to himself, and kudos to him for that.
svelte
May 21, 2014 @
1:01 AM
BTW I never answered the BTW I never answered the poll.
While my parents became pleasurable to be around, about 24 hours is all I could take. (my mom has long since passed)
I spent an afternoon with my dad recently and we ran out of things to say after 4 hours. It was weird. We both knew it.
So I vote I enjoy being around him while we have things to do or say…but that is a short length of wall time. After that, we’d both prefer to hug, shake hands and be on our way.
scaredyclassic
May 21, 2014 @
7:18 AM
my polling question sucked. my polling question sucked.
this subject matter is not susceptible to short vague questions.
im going to need to do indepth interviews of you all…
this subject matter is not susceptible to short vague questions.
im going to need to do indepth interviews of you all…[/quote]
…and a cattle prod.
NotCranky
May 21, 2014 @
8:44 AM
To be fair though, who spends To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.
FlyerInHi
May 21, 2014 @
2:24 PM
Blogstar wrote:To be fair [quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
[/quote]
Question is what about your spouse? My casual observations is that 3/4 would rather not spend too long (like all day) with their spouses. 1/4 want to be with their spouses all the time.
NotCranky
May 22, 2014 @
7:32 AM
FlyerInHi wrote:Blogstar [quote=FlyerInHi][quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
[/quote]
Question is what about your spouse? My casual observations is that 3/4 would rather not spend too long (like all day) with their spouses. 1/4 want to be with their spouses all the time.[/quote]
Not much risk of spending too much quality time with my wife. That just has to be true for most working families. She is one of the easiest people to be around that I have ever met. Still, married people share complicated issues and it is not surprising a lot of people would want breaks from that. The sissy single people can keep it all light a blow everything else off if they want to.
CA renter
May 22, 2014 @
5:25 PM
Blogstar wrote:FlyerInHi [quote=Blogstar][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
[/quote]
Question is what about your spouse? My casual observations is that 3/4 would rather not spend too long (like all day) with their spouses. 1/4 want to be with their spouses all the time.[/quote]
Not much risk of spending too much quality time with my wife. That just has to be true for most working families. She is one of the easiest people to be around that I have ever met. Still, married people share complicated issues and it is not surprising a lot of people would want breaks from that. The sissy single people can keep it all light a blow everything else off if they want to.[/quote]
Very true, Russ. I think this is why many people are tempted by affairs. They are making unfair comparisons between a casual dating partner and a marriage partner with whom you have to do life’s heavy lifting.
scaredyclassic
May 21, 2014 @
6:56 PM
Blogstar wrote:To be fair [quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.[/quote]
not sure youre right about the law thing. you need to get along pretty well to partner up for any extended period in law.
scaredyclassic
May 21, 2014 @
6:58 PM
Blogstar wrote:To be fair [quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.[/quote]
perhaps that is what makes parents like me insufferable; there is such an intense connection that lasts a number of years, then fades and fizzles, but it was so awesome, it was endorphin like heroin shots, then…nothing. alone.. old…looking forward only toward death. and maybe a truipto new zealand.
scaredyclassic
May 21, 2014 @
6:59 PM
scaredyclassic wrote:Blogstar [quote=scaredyclassic][quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.[/quote]
perhaps that is what makes parents like me insufferable; there is such an intense connection that lasts a number of years, then fades and fizzles, but it was so awesome, it was endorphin like heroin shots, then…nothing. alone.. old…looking forward only toward death. and maybe a truipto new zealand.[/quote]
not sure if i ever posted this poem.i love this one…
A Little Tooth
Thomas Lux, 1946
Your baby grows a tooth, then two,
and four, and five, then she wants some meat
directly from the bone. It’s all
over: she’ll learn some words, she’ll fall
in love with cretins, dolts, a sweet
talker on his way to jail. And you,
your wife, get old, flyblown, and rue
nothing. You did, you loved, your feet
are sore. It’s dusk. Your daughter’s tall.
CA renter
May 21, 2014 @
8:37 PM
So bleak, scaredy. 🙁 So bleak, scaredy. 🙁
svelte
May 22, 2014 @
6:38 AM
My wife and I talk about this My wife and I talk about this a lot.
Being a parent was a phase of our life. Its over now. We’ve moved on. We are now more hedonist pleasure seekers. :0)
We are still advisors to our kids from time to time, but our parenting role has run its course.
And we think that’s a good thing.
joec
May 22, 2014 @
7:56 AM
svelte wrote:My wife and I [quote=svelte]My wife and I talk about this a lot.
Being a parent was a phase of our life. Its over now. We’ve moved on. We are now more hedonist pleasure seekers. :0)
We are still advisors to our kids from time to time, but our parenting role has run its course.
And we think that’s a good thing.[/quote]
This is how I view it as well. Kids didn’t choose to be born and it’s the parents choice (mostly) to have them.
Almost every study states that parents tend to not be as happy as compared to non-parents so it’s really just a part of life and an experience for people who want it.
I think a lot of parents look forward actually to their kids growing up and moving out so they have more space/time/money/less worry/etc.
May 13, 2014 @ 10:51 AM
I had a much better
I had a much better relationship with my parents as an adult (from about age 30 on) than as a child.) Unfortunately, they’ve both died, so I can’t enjoy that relationship anymore.
I had a great relationship with my in-laws… Specifically my MIL until dementia became a factor. Now she hates me. I wish it weren’t the case – and try to remember the good relationship and accept that she’s not the same person anymore.
May 13, 2014 @ 12:08 PM
Will I be able to just be
Will I be able to just be with my kids. Without judging. Lecturing. Giving advice. Disapproving. Wanting to change?
Don’t most parents fail miserably at this with adult kids?
May 13, 2014 @ 12:42 PM
Problem. Parents set rules,
Problem. Parents set rules, judge critique and generally try to form kids.
Then suddenly they are grown. No jurisdiction. Yet the kids are dumb reckless not risk averse and foolish. And broke.
Hard to hold back the advice.
May 14, 2014 @ 12:25 AM
Both. My dad was the most
Both. My dad was the most wonderful father I could have ever asked for. Loved him until his very last breath…and still do.
My mom, OTOH, was probably narcissistic (NPD). She drove me, and everyone else in our family, totally nuts. Highly critical and judgmental, and very controlling. Nonetheless, I tried to always be there for her, and was there for her when she passed away, as well. I spent quite a bit of time with her during my adult years. She had some good qualities, too, as most people do. Just tried to focus on that part as much as possible.
It’s not always easy to get along with one’s parents, but I think it’s important to do everything we can to maintain a relationship with them, even if you do have to maintain some emotional distance and keep visits short and sweet.
May 14, 2014 @ 6:43 AM
Short and sweet.
Sometimes me
Short and sweet.
Sometimes me or wife cry after a visit.
Was probably too long.
May 14, 2014 @ 12:35 PM
As you’ve noted, the hard
As you’ve noted, the hard part will be trying to turn things around with our own kids. Letting go is probably one of the hardest things a parent can do, especially for mothers, which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.
May 14, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
CA renter wrote:which is
[quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.
May 14, 2014 @ 6:07 PM
FlyerInHi wrote:CA renter
[quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.
May 14, 2014 @ 7:51 PM
CA renter wrote:FlyerInHi
[quote=CA renter][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.[/quote]
To put it in investment terms, buying a house is like buying a pack of gum compared to the investment women put in children which is more like buying subdivision of rental homes.
May 14, 2014 @ 7:52 PM
For men not as bad since
For men not as bad since biologically were wired to think we could always make another litter.
May 14, 2014 @ 7:57 PM
Like is probably the wrong
Like is probably the wrong poll question since I like plunging the toilet. It gas to be done it gives me satisfaction. But I’d rather not.
May 15, 2014 @ 1:43 AM
scaredyclassic wrote:
To put
[quote=scaredyclassic]
To put it in investment terms, buying a house is like buying a pack of gum compared to the investment women put in children which is more like buying subdivision of rental homes.[/quote]
Very true! 🙂
May 18, 2014 @ 10:46 AM
CA renter wrote:FlyerInHi
[quote=CA renter][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.[/quote]
Sometimes you do need to be more forceful. I went through this with both my mom and dad. I had to let them know clearly and forcefully they wouldn’t be making my adult decisions.
They hated my wife for the first 5-10 years of my marriage. Until they realized I had been right all along. 🙂 I truly feel they didn’t like her because she didn’t fit the picture they had in their minds for my wife. (not my problem)
My grandmother was notorious for hating the spouses of all her many children. When I flew my wife out to meet her (she lived far away), I braced her: be prepared, my grandmother is going to hate you since you’re not blood. We spent three days with her and grandpa, and at the end of those days my wife and grandma were best buds and remained so until my gma’s death. I couldn’t believe it!
Minds are too complex for me to figure out what makes people do the things they do. Sometimes I can figure out motivation (especially when $$ is involved), but many times I can’t.
May 18, 2014 @ 12:35 PM
svelte wrote:CA renter
[quote=svelte][quote=CA renter][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=CA renter]which is probably why it’s almost always the mothers who create so much hardship in relationships with adult kids.[/quote]
how about a simple polite “I’m sorry, no”. No need to participate in the drama.[/quote]
Not always as easy as that may sound. I know this from experience.[/quote]
Sometimes you do need to be more forceful. I went through this with both my mom and dad. I had to let them know clearly and forcefully they wouldn’t be making my adult decisions.
They hated my wife for the first 5-10 years of my marriage. Until they realized I had been right all along. 🙂 I truly feel they didn’t like her because she didn’t fit the picture they had in their minds for my wife. (not my problem)
My grandmother was notorious for hating the spouses of all her many children. When I flew my wife out to meet her (she lived far away), I braced her: be prepared, my grandmother is going to hate you since you’re not blood. We spent three days with her and grandpa, and at the end of those days my wife and grandma were best buds and remained so until my gma’s death. I couldn’t believe it!
Minds are too complex for me to figure out what makes people do the things they do. Sometimes I can figure out motivation (especially when $$ is involved), but many times I can’t.[/quote]
My parents hated my wife pretty much just because she was not jewish and not planning to live in nyc and probably also because they didn’t see their grandchildren as half mexican. . Eventually over a period of a decade she won them over. Man that was ugly. If I were her I wouldn’t have tried to make amends. I guess that’s why she’s the better half. Also I think they felt that at 30 I was just way too young to be making decisions for myself.
I don’t recall ever getting an apology for that shit. I still have a letter from my dad about what a giant mistake this would be. You’d think I was marrying some crackwhore from the intensity of it all instead of some sassy pretty medical school student.
Parents often project their own anxieties on the kids they believe they are caring for.
May 18, 2014 @ 4:58 PM
My MIL did the same thing to
My MIL did the same thing to me because I didn’t fit the image she had in mind; she wanted a frilly girly-girl with whom she could shop and talk about fashion and makeup tips — my MIL was extremely beautiful and glamorous when she was young, so it was all about appearances. Instead, she got a nerd who dresses more like a truck driver than a model, and whose passions lie more in economics and politics than fashion and gossip. 😉 The fact that she was a single parent of her only son/child made things that much worse. She was pretty brutal for the first few years.
Now, she’s seen how happy her son and grandkids are, and I’ve been the one to help her out when she’s had medical problems (which is something she’d never do for another person). She’s come all the way around now, but it was a long, tough road.
Mothers can be brutal. I hope to never be that kind of mother.
May 18, 2014 @ 5:18 PM
scaredyclassic wrote:
[quote=scaredyclassic]
Eventually over a period of a decade she won them over. Man that was ugly. If I were her I wouldn’t have tried to make amends. I guess that’s why she’s the better half.
[/quote]
I hear ya. Those years were indeed rough. Vitriol like I couldn’t believe. One year, my parent’s Christmas gift to my wife was a pair of huge granny panties. ??? wtf ???
[quote=scaredyclassic]
I don’t recall ever getting an apology for that shit. I still have a letter from my dad about what a giant mistake this would be.
[/quote]
I figured out at about the 10 year mark that they knew they had made a misjudgment. But it wasn’t until my mom knew she had but days left to live that she called me over to her bedside and told me what a wonderful wife I had. That was her way of apologizing and saying that I had been right. I appreciated it.
[quote=scaredyclassic]
You’d think I was marrying some crackwhore from the intensity of it all instead of some sassy pretty medical school student.
[/quote]
lol yeah there were days I regretted having not dated skanks for the two or so years before I met my wife….just so my folks would have viewed her through a different lens and been oh so appreciative of her.
[quote=CA Renter]
My MIL did the same thing to me because I didn’t fit the image she had in mind; she wanted a frilly girly-girl with whom she could shop and talk about fashion and makeup tips — my MIL was extremely beautiful and glamorous when she was young, so it was all about appearances. Instead, she got a nerd who dresses more like a truck driver than a model, and whose passions lie more in economics and politics than fashion and gossip. [/quote]
I think my Mom thought I’d marry someone like her…a stay-at-home mom who quilted and did arts and crafts all day making frilly things and dressing girly.
Instead, I married a woman who earned a degree, worked full time, and loved to dress sexy. Just the opposite of her.
Hmmm. Now that I’m typing this, maybe she viewed that as a slap in the face…that I picked her opposite. It wasn’t really – I loved my mother…I just wanted something different in a spouse.
May 18, 2014 @ 5:49 PM
I think by default (like
I think by default (like 95%), mothers never like your wife. At least from everyone I’ve asked…
May 18, 2014 @ 6:06 PM
joec wrote:I think by default
[quote=joec]I think by default (like 95%), mothers never like your wife. At least from everyone I’ve asked…[/quote]
Never thought I’d say this because it seemed so incredible when I was younger, but after my own experience and the experiences of friends and family members, Freud was right.
May 19, 2014 @ 9:05 AM
My parents loved my husband
My parents loved my husband from the first meeting. It was because I was 37, hadn’t married, hadn’t produced grandkids. He met the criteria: Male & breathing. LOL. I think their grandparent bio clock was ticking louder than my maternal bio clock.
I’d been warned that my MIL didn’t like any of her other daughter in laws, and had hated every girlfriend my husband had brought by. I was terrified to meet her. Turned out she was looking to make sure I wasn’t a “gold digger”. She saw I had a paying career and owned my own home and wasn’t looking for someone to support me…. I was “in”.
My aunt has not approved of any of the girlfriends/wives of my cousins. My one cousin is married to a wonderful woman and very happy. My aunt will never get past her religion. Parents are weird.
May 18, 2014 @ 6:01 PM
Of any gift my wife , my kids
Of any gift my wife , my kids , or even I get from her mother during the year our anniversary present is pretty significantly the smallest. I never even thought about it until this year. She gave us a card and 50 cash. She really does pick the nicest cards year round and is pretty generous. Is the proportion on the gifts typical, or does it say something about what she thinks of our marriage? LOL. I could care less about the traditional anniversary gift schedule but if I am being slighted I want to know it dammit!
Before getting married I didn’t do much gift getting and giving between adults so that part is a little strange anyway. Holidays are weird in my book.
May 19, 2014 @ 11:52 AM
scaredyclassic wrote:
My
[quote=scaredyclassic]
My parents hated my wife pretty much just because she was not jewish and not planning to live in nyc and probably also because they didn’t see their grandchildren as half mexican. [/quote]
My mom and my sister sat me down after I’d been dating my wife for a few months and said they thought I should break up with her. Mildly amused, I asked why. They said because I was taking advantage of her. She was clearly crazy about me and was submissive to me and I was dominating her. I immediately went from mildly amused to incredibly amused. Me dominating her! Good god, if they only knew. Not sure if the stereotype of the submissive Asian woman (which wouldn’t exist if they weren’t good actors) was in their minds or if my wife was playing that role too well, but that’s what they thought.
I like women who think for themselves. I like strong women, and that’s a big part of what I love about my wife. But sometimes I think that perhaps I overshot the mark just a bit. Me dominating her. Jeez.
May 19, 2014 @ 10:04 PM
old people are not as smart
old people are not as smart as they think they are. they think by virtue of merely having experience, that somehow they are wise. in reality, many of them are dumber than shit. at the very least, they’re going to be on a bell curve. many of them are behind the times, kind of scared, have outdated prejudices, are excessively conservative, and they generally think they know their kids better than the kids know theirselves. they therefore are prone to saying stupid offensive things and giving truly shit advice.
if you are becoming an old person, you should be aware of this tendency, and learn to shut the fuck up, so that your kids don’t file you under “irrelevant” or worse, “irritating”.
May 20, 2014 @ 7:00 AM
zk wrote:
She was clearly
[quote=zk]
She was clearly crazy about me and was submissive to me and I was dominating her. I immediately went from mildly amused to incredibly amused. Me dominating her! Good god, if they only knew.[/quote]
Lol – I went through this same thing too! My mom kept telling me she was dominating me. All I could think was MOM take a freaking look around! Everything we bought? My taste. Everyplace we went? Somewhere I wanted to go. Now it helped that my wife has similar taste/desires so it wasn’t like she was deferring to me, but it damn sure wasn’t me being railroaded into things I didn’t want to do or buy. And the kicker? We saw my parents weekly and hers every 6 months or so. Really mom? She’s dominating me???
If anything I had become adept at turning the decisions into outcomes I wanted…I just made sure those decisions would also be things my wife would like. Hey I’m fair and really wouldn’t have fun if we were doing/buying something just because it pleased me.
[quote=zk]
I like women who think for themselves. I like strong women, and that’s a big part of what I love about my wife. But sometimes I think that perhaps I overshot the mark just a bit. Me dominating her. Jeez.[/quote]
Oh I agree about strong women. Would not want one who was easily dominated.
We have friends in the LA area who own a club we go to. He’s about 70, his Asian wife is about 35-40…they’ve been married for years. Last time we were at their club she was barking orders at him one after another. All things that needed to be done, but you could see he was getting frazzled. He looked at me and said “back in her country she didn’t say a word – women don’t speak back there. But bring her over here and I can’t shut her up!!” It was in a jesting tone and she laughed, but I thought it was funny.
Finally, this thread seems to have veered to mothers hating spouses. I just want to point out that my father caused just as many if not more problems than my mom. They were equal opportunity offenders.
And CA Renter I wouldn’t worry about you turning into the same thing…I doubt you will. My wife and I love both our kids spouses. They made great choices. Maybe part of it is we are absolutely resolved not to turn into our parents. 🙂
May 20, 2014 @ 7:38 AM
svelte wrote:zk wrote:
She
[quote=svelte][quote=zk]
She was clearly crazy about me and was submissive to me and I was dominating her. I immediately went from mildly amused to incredibly amused. Me dominating her! Good god, if they only knew.[/quote]
Lol – I went through this same thing too! My mom kept telling me she was dominating me. All I could think was MOM take a freaking look around! Everything we bought? My taste. Everyplace we went? Somewhere I wanted to go. Now it helped that my wife has similar taste/desires so it wasn’t like she was deferring to me, but it damn sure wasn’t me being railroaded into things I didn’t want to do or buy. And the kicker? We saw my parents weekly and hers every 6 months or so. Really mom? She’s dominating me???
If anything I had become adept at turning the decisions into outcomes I wanted…I just made sure those decisions would also be things my wife would like. Hey I’m fair and really wouldn’t have fun if we were doing/buying something just because it pleased me.
[quote=zk]
I like women who think for themselves. I like strong women, and that’s a big part of what I love about my wife. But sometimes I think that perhaps I overshot the mark just a bit. Me dominating her. Jeez.[/quote]
Oh I agree about strong women. Would not want one who was easily dominated.
We have friends in the LA area who own a club we go to. He’s about 70, his Asian wife is about 35-40…they’ve been married for years. Last time we were at their club she was barking orders at him one after another. All things that needed to be done, but you could see he was getting frazzled. He looked at me and said “back in her country she didn’t say a word – women don’t speak back there. But bring her over here and I can’t shut her up!!” It was in a jesting tone and she laughed, but I thought it was funny.
Finally, this thread seems to have veered to mothers hating spouses. I just want to point out that my father caused just as many if not more problems than my mom. They were equal opportunity offenders.
And CA Renter I wouldn’t worry about you turning into the same thing…I doubt you will. My wife and I love both our kids spouses. They made great choices. Maybe part of it is we are absolutely resolved not to turn into our parents. :-)[/quote]
the whole thing makes me bristle. parents who even remotely criticize kids or their kids marital dynamics should be equally opne to critique of their own marital dynamics. that would be fair. but since that would be intolerable the reverse is equally obnoxious.
May 20, 2014 @ 11:28 AM
I know the most problematic
I know the most problematic aspects of each of my kid’s personalities.
youngest, directly pushy
middle, people pleaser follower,
Oldest, passive agressive blame shifter with symptoms of avoidance.
I want to help them to the point that they don’t let those things harm them if I can….but most of all I want them to have self acceptance because each of them is wonderful too. My mission is self acceptance for them balanced with responsibility, until I have to butt out of course. I want those things for them even if I don’t have them or haven’t had them most of my life. I know I am not the most competent person in any function….but that doesn’t mean i shouldn’t interject. That’s our job…until it’s not.
We do talk about when parents should step to the side on various issues.. let them participate in that decision making and in general prepare us all for the general transition to independence.
May 20, 2014 @ 11:33 AM
BTW, The positive results to
BTW, The positive results to your poll are not what you would predict or even believe, right scaredy? What’s your explanation for them?
May 20, 2014 @ 6:56 PM
Blogstar wrote:BTW, The
[quote=Blogstar]BTW, The positive results to your poll are not what you would predict or even believe, right scaredy? What’s your explanation for them?[/quote]
we live in denial.
All the I think I do responses are deeply conflicted.
Some people do like their folks.
I’m always charmed when I see a parent child law partnership.
May 21, 2014 @ 12:56 AM
scaredyclassic wrote:
the
[quote=scaredyclassic]
the whole thing makes me bristle. parents who even remotely criticize kids or their kids marital dynamics should be equally opne to critique of their own marital dynamics. that would be fair. [/quote]
This thought intrigued me all day. What would have happened if I had told my folks that every time they pointed out a fault in my wife / our marriage, I was going to return the favor in their direction?
My 50 yo self loves that idea. Would it have worked? I’m not sure. It may have driven their anger underground and let it build up, instead of venting regularly as they did. We’ll never know, but it would be an interesting comparison running the two alternate scenarios side by side.
[quote=zk]
If he didn’t, he kept it to himself, and kudos to him for that.
[/quote]
+1
May 20, 2014 @ 1:46 PM
svelte wrote:
Finally, this
[quote=svelte]
Finally, this thread seems to have veered to mothers hating spouses. I just want to point out that my father caused just as many if not more problems than my mom. They were equal opportunity offenders.
[/quote]
Fortunately, my mom ended up liking my wife a lot, especially when she found out how strong she actually is. Mom was a wonderful lady, except for being a bit of a sexist who prejudged most or all men (including me) as having chauvinistic, dominating tendencies. So she was happy to find out I wasn’t dominating the relationship. I think my dad was proud of my long streak of attractive and fun women and a bit disappointed to see me settle down. But he liked her, too. At least I think he did. If he didn’t, he kept it to himself, and kudos to him for that.
May 21, 2014 @ 1:01 AM
BTW I never answered the
BTW I never answered the poll.
While my parents became pleasurable to be around, about 24 hours is all I could take. (my mom has long since passed)
I spent an afternoon with my dad recently and we ran out of things to say after 4 hours. It was weird. We both knew it.
So I vote I enjoy being around him while we have things to do or say…but that is a short length of wall time. After that, we’d both prefer to hug, shake hands and be on our way.
May 21, 2014 @ 7:18 AM
my polling question sucked.
my polling question sucked.
this subject matter is not susceptible to short vague questions.
im going to need to do indepth interviews of you all…
May 21, 2014 @ 8:33 AM
scaredyclassic wrote:my
[quote=scaredyclassic]my polling question sucked.
this subject matter is not susceptible to short vague questions.
im going to need to do indepth interviews of you all…[/quote]
…and a cattle prod.
May 21, 2014 @ 8:44 AM
To be fair though, who spends
To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.
May 21, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
Blogstar wrote:To be fair
[quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
[/quote]
Question is what about your spouse? My casual observations is that 3/4 would rather not spend too long (like all day) with their spouses. 1/4 want to be with their spouses all the time.
May 22, 2014 @ 7:32 AM
FlyerInHi wrote:Blogstar
[quote=FlyerInHi][quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
[/quote]
Question is what about your spouse? My casual observations is that 3/4 would rather not spend too long (like all day) with their spouses. 1/4 want to be with their spouses all the time.[/quote]
Not much risk of spending too much quality time with my wife. That just has to be true for most working families. She is one of the easiest people to be around that I have ever met. Still, married people share complicated issues and it is not surprising a lot of people would want breaks from that. The sissy single people can keep it all light a blow everything else off if they want to.
May 22, 2014 @ 5:25 PM
Blogstar wrote:FlyerInHi
[quote=Blogstar][quote=FlyerInHi][quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
[/quote]
Question is what about your spouse? My casual observations is that 3/4 would rather not spend too long (like all day) with their spouses. 1/4 want to be with their spouses all the time.[/quote]
Not much risk of spending too much quality time with my wife. That just has to be true for most working families. She is one of the easiest people to be around that I have ever met. Still, married people share complicated issues and it is not surprising a lot of people would want breaks from that. The sissy single people can keep it all light a blow everything else off if they want to.[/quote]
Very true, Russ. I think this is why many people are tempted by affairs. They are making unfair comparisons between a casual dating partner and a marriage partner with whom you have to do life’s heavy lifting.
May 21, 2014 @ 6:56 PM
Blogstar wrote:To be fair
[quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.[/quote]
not sure youre right about the law thing. you need to get along pretty well to partner up for any extended period in law.
May 21, 2014 @ 6:58 PM
Blogstar wrote:To be fair
[quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.[/quote]
perhaps that is what makes parents like me insufferable; there is such an intense connection that lasts a number of years, then fades and fizzles, but it was so awesome, it was endorphin like heroin shots, then…nothing. alone.. old…looking forward only toward death. and maybe a truipto new zealand.
May 21, 2014 @ 6:59 PM
scaredyclassic wrote:Blogstar
[quote=scaredyclassic][quote=Blogstar]To be fair though, who spends more than a couple 3 or 4 hours with anyone?
Even when you are traveling with another family or what not there is a lot of distraction and breaks. When families are together it’s amazing how much the individuals can create space for themselves. Also, working together doesn’t mean people have a better time together than average …it just means that they work together….in response to the law firm father/son partnership.
Nope, once the child rearing is over parents and children are like anyone else ..not going to be intensely connected for much time.[/quote]
perhaps that is what makes parents like me insufferable; there is such an intense connection that lasts a number of years, then fades and fizzles, but it was so awesome, it was endorphin like heroin shots, then…nothing. alone.. old…looking forward only toward death. and maybe a truipto new zealand.[/quote]
not sure if i ever posted this poem.i love this one…
A Little Tooth
Thomas Lux, 1946
Your baby grows a tooth, then two,
and four, and five, then she wants some meat
directly from the bone. It’s all
over: she’ll learn some words, she’ll fall
in love with cretins, dolts, a sweet
talker on his way to jail. And you,
your wife, get old, flyblown, and rue
nothing. You did, you loved, your feet
are sore. It’s dusk. Your daughter’s tall.
May 21, 2014 @ 8:37 PM
So bleak, scaredy. 🙁
So bleak, scaredy. 🙁
May 22, 2014 @ 6:38 AM
My wife and I talk about this
My wife and I talk about this a lot.
Being a parent was a phase of our life. Its over now. We’ve moved on. We are now more hedonist pleasure seekers. :0)
We are still advisors to our kids from time to time, but our parenting role has run its course.
And we think that’s a good thing.
May 22, 2014 @ 7:56 AM
svelte wrote:My wife and I
[quote=svelte]My wife and I talk about this a lot.
Being a parent was a phase of our life. Its over now. We’ve moved on. We are now more hedonist pleasure seekers. :0)
We are still advisors to our kids from time to time, but our parenting role has run its course.
And we think that’s a good thing.[/quote]
This is how I view it as well. Kids didn’t choose to be born and it’s the parents choice (mostly) to have them.
Almost every study states that parents tend to not be as happy as compared to non-parents so it’s really just a part of life and an experience for people who want it.
I think a lot of parents look forward actually to their kids growing up and moving out so they have more space/time/money/less worry/etc.