OT: How much baggage will you accept?

[scaredyclassic]

Wait i meant 20 percent bad to good ration.

And 20 percent vague complaining to positive statements. Wait, no one gets that do they?

[scaredyclassic]

I know guys who work super hard at home and at work and are seen as basically not team player contributors.

Then post divorce the ex wives can complain of the tribulations of being a single mom while their former husband’s continue to do tons of shit.

Females believe their contributions are denigrated by men and society.

Guys feel the same

[FlyerInHi]

CAr, I think beautiful on the outside affects how you feel on the inside.

I’m sure you feel proud about keeping a good house. If that pride wasn’t there, your life would be less satisfying.

Beauty is just one factor but it’s an important factor, more so or less so for some people. Other factors can compensate.

[njtosd]

[quote=scaredyclassic]Wait i meant 20 percent bad to good ration.

And 20 percent vague complaining to positive statements. Wait, no one gets that do they?[/quote]

You said most guys would be happy with 2% satisfied to 98% morose. Now you say 20 vague complaining to 80% positive – that’s a BIG difference. 39 fold increase in happiness, if my calculations are right. What about talking about politics, business ideas or what to have for dinner? I would say those are neutral. Where do they fit in?

[scaredyclassic]

It was a typo! Jeez. A guy can’t get a break here.

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]It was a typo! Jeez. A guy can’t get a break here.[/quote]

NO!!!

😉

[CA renter]

[quote=Blogstar]I am sorry CArenter, A family woman claiming to need escape from being “tired of living for other people” is very much playing the victim. Nobody made her get married to that sperm donor and have babies. OMG. I think people would have to have other reasons, selfish or not, because this excuse is shameful. Better to just say anything else as a reason.

I can’t speak to your wedding vows but “tired of living for other people” isn’t part of most couples agreements.

I do , solemnly swear that unless I get tired of living for other people…blah , blah blah…[/quote]

Russ, I’m talking about what *other* women say about the reasons for their divorces. Personally, my DH is my very best friend in the world. There is nobody on this planet that I would rather spend my time with. He is also perfectly capable of talking about feelings, if need be. His ability to communicate is one of the many reasons I married him.

That being said, there are many men out there who “fake it” until they are married (just like men will claim that women fake something until they get married). There are many men who act as though they care about their GF’s feelings, and act as though there is nothing more important than their loving relationship, until that wedding ring is on. I’ve seen this in multiple situations.

As you should know, it’s impossible to grasp how much work and sacrifice is involved when a couple decides to have children and form a family. Some people jump right into their new roles and love every minute of it, but others are blown away by the level of responsibility and work that are required to run a household and nurture a healthy family. If one parent doesn’t participate, the other spouse is left with a TON of work that very few would be willing to sign on for if they could foresee what they were getting into when they got married and had kids.

All too often in these situations, a woman expects to marry a *partner* in the marriage, but ends up with someone who thinks that life should continue as if they (men only, of course) were single. While a man might work 8-10 hours/day, M-F, the woman is working 24 hours/day, all week long…especially when the children are little. If the husband takes her work for granted, especially if he acts as though he’s doing her a favor by “letting” her work in the home, then there is bound to be some major resentment. And if the man thinks that his hobbies, interests, activities, etc. will continue as though nothing has changed, then the wife is likely to resent it.

I think you need to reevaluate your perspective, too, since you seem to think that men are more often the “victims” of marriage.

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]I know guys who work super hard at home and at work and are seen as basically not team player contributors.

Then post divorce the ex wives can complain of the tribulations of being a single mom while their former husband’s continue to do tons of shit.

Females believe their contributions are denigrated by men and society.

Guys feel the same[/quote]

I’ve seen two couples like this, where the husbands work outside of the home, then come home and help the kids with homework and various activities, do housework, etc…and the wives are not appreciative.

OTOH, I’ve seen far, far more couples where the men only work outside of the home and expect their wives to do almost everything else WRT the house and children, etc. Doesn’t matter how uneven the workload is (when the wives have far more work), the men feel perfectly justified in leaving their responsibilities at the door and living life as if income-earning should be their only contribution to their family’s well-being. How njtosd described her grandfather’s life is very similar to how many men behaved. Is it really any wonder why so many women were miserable in their marriages? Do you honestly not get why they were unhappy and why some might have chosen to “find themselves” after the kids had grown?

[CA renter]

[quote=scaredyclassic]Wait i meant 20 percent bad to good ration.

And 20 percent vague complaining to positive statements. Wait, no one gets that do they?[/quote]

Yes, they do! 🙂

[NotCranky]

[quote=CA renter][quote=scaredyclassic]I know guys who work super hard at home and at work and are seen as basically not team player contributors.

Then post divorce the ex wives can complain of the tribulations of being a single mom while their former husband’s continue to do tons of shit.

Females believe their contributions are denigrated by men and society.

Guys feel the same[/quote]

I’ve seen two couples like this, where the husbands work outside of the home, then come home and help the kids with homework and various activities, do housework, etc…and the wives are not appreciative.

OTOH, I’ve seen far, far more couples where the men only work outside of the home and expect their wives to do almost everything else WRT the house and children, etc. Doesn’t matter how uneven the workload is (when the wives have far more work), the men feel perfectly justified in leaving their responsibilities at the door and living life as if income-earning should be their only contribution to their family’s well-being. How njtosd described her grandfather’s life is very similar to how many men behaved. Is it really any wonder why so many women were miserable in their marriages? Do you honestly not get why they were unhappy and why some might have chosen to “find themselves” after the kids had grown?[/quote]
That’s not is happening by and large. Married men work more hours than married women. Often times the work is more dangerous and physically demanding. Now that we have a broad mix of work /stay at home gender designs What I see is that the person who works less does more domestic stuff than the longer harder working person. If they work similar amounts domestic chores are still usually shared along some pretty traditional gender lines or there is a lot of overlap but it’s not often an unbalanced situation. It has always been that way and always will be.
You just want to make the case that men are worse at being partners for women than the other way around and it’s a crock. But no one ever changes.

[NotCranky]

Plenty of women think diamonds are soiled with blood and or don’t want to be tricked into thinking shinny little rocks make any kind of statement about them, their husband , or their marriage.

[UCGal]

Wow – after reading through this entire thread I realize a few things:

– My marriage must be highly unusual… Maybe my husband struts too much or too little, but I don’t care.
– There are a lot of people who don’t recognize the give and take of a partnership. Domestic duties (child rearing, house cleaning, cooking, budgeting) are as important as working for a salary. But working for a salary has value as well. I guess I’m lucky because I never had to put more weight on one or the other – I worked for a salary (until June when I became a slacker on that front) for my entire marriage. I also did domestic labor. But so did my husband. Yes – some of it was divided by gender – he’s better at installing windows, hanging drywall, etc. I don’t mind cleaning the kitchen, running the vacuum. We both cook. We both deal with the kids. (Although he was challenged on the breastfeeding front. LOL).

I don’t think my marriage is that rare or unusual. My husband isn’t some whipped guy who just does what I tell him. I’m not some mouse that does everything he tells me to do. We both contribute and it works. Looking around at friends – this isn’t that rare. (And my friends consist of people who have a stay at home parent, and couples that have both parties working for salary, and a few single parents of both genders.)

After reading this thread – I get the idea that my friends and I are truly exceptional – and I know that’s not the case.

So guys – strut your stuff and bloviate. Women, chatter on about how women deserve “me time” more than men. There are plenty of selfish self absorbed people in both genders. Get over yourselves if you’re one of them. If this doesn’t apply, then don’t take offense.

[NotCranky]

Very reasonable UCgal.

[scaredyclassic]

Attracting mates requires a different attitude than maintaining a marriage.

[njtosd]

[quote=scaredyclassic]Attracting mates requires a different attitude than maintaining a marriage.[/quote]

That’s very true. Run away from people who don’t have long term friendships – there is a reason for that.

[Author]

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