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  • January 31, 2009 at 1:19 AM #339745
    CA renter
    Participant

    CBad,

    I’ll go off on a very different tangent here.

    I’ve been the person on the couch (in my youth, and it was because of a housing transition/job change …no drugs, drinking, etc.) and I’ve been the host for a few people “on the couch.” Additionally, I’ve always lived with many roommates and have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    Going from that…

    1. If you have daughters, and this is a male relative, you might want to reconsider, even if you are home all the time.

    2. Do you have an empty room, or is this person literally going to be living in your family’s common area? A guest room is optimal, but if it doesn’t exist, it will possibly be the end of your relationship with this person if he’s in the middle of your space. It’s highly likely to be a very tense two months.

    ——————–

    Some ideas:

    1. Offer to help pay for a rented room, either at another relative’s or friend’s house, or through the ads. Maybe other friends/family can help chip in for a very limited time.

    2. If he is going to stay in your house, your above rules are very reasonable, and I agree with svelte…he should have assigned chores.

    3. In order to keep things running as smoothly as possible, brainstorm with your husband and kids what you want, IN DETAIL, as far as rules go: laundry schedule, cleaning schedule, rules for dirty clothes, dishes, food purchase and prep, storing possessions, guests during the day/night, curfews, length of stay, parking, phone/TV/stereo use, rent or utility payments (if any), bathroom/shower times if they conflict with other family members, etc. And WRITE THEM DOWN! Have him sign the “agreement” as a condition of moving in, and post a copy of that agreement on the refrigerator (keep a copy for your files). If anything goes wrong, you can simply refer to the agreement, and this will help keep things more “professional” and objective, instead of emotional.

    My roommates and I almost always had these written agreements (but we would brainstorm together and all of us would sign them), and they really did keep things running smoothly.

    Whatever you choose to do, best of luck to you! It’s never easy to be in a situation like yours.

    January 31, 2009 at 9:22 AM #339287
    seattle-relo
    Participant

    I encourage you to stick with whatever conditions or limits you and your husband feel is appropriate and decide to make upfront (be it some amount of rent, chores, seeking out school/work). Also you mentioned that there are addiction issues. With that in mind, it could be helpful for you to attend a couple of alanon meetings just to get a better sense of how deeply powerful addiction can be and ways for you and your family to continue to be supportive, yet firm about the ways in which you can help him that will promote sobriety, personal responsibility, and healing.

    Good luck to you!

    January 31, 2009 at 9:22 AM #339613
    seattle-relo
    Participant

    I encourage you to stick with whatever conditions or limits you and your husband feel is appropriate and decide to make upfront (be it some amount of rent, chores, seeking out school/work). Also you mentioned that there are addiction issues. With that in mind, it could be helpful for you to attend a couple of alanon meetings just to get a better sense of how deeply powerful addiction can be and ways for you and your family to continue to be supportive, yet firm about the ways in which you can help him that will promote sobriety, personal responsibility, and healing.

    Good luck to you!

    January 31, 2009 at 9:22 AM #339709
    seattle-relo
    Participant

    I encourage you to stick with whatever conditions or limits you and your husband feel is appropriate and decide to make upfront (be it some amount of rent, chores, seeking out school/work). Also you mentioned that there are addiction issues. With that in mind, it could be helpful for you to attend a couple of alanon meetings just to get a better sense of how deeply powerful addiction can be and ways for you and your family to continue to be supportive, yet firm about the ways in which you can help him that will promote sobriety, personal responsibility, and healing.

    Good luck to you!

    January 31, 2009 at 9:22 AM #339736
    seattle-relo
    Participant

    I encourage you to stick with whatever conditions or limits you and your husband feel is appropriate and decide to make upfront (be it some amount of rent, chores, seeking out school/work). Also you mentioned that there are addiction issues. With that in mind, it could be helpful for you to attend a couple of alanon meetings just to get a better sense of how deeply powerful addiction can be and ways for you and your family to continue to be supportive, yet firm about the ways in which you can help him that will promote sobriety, personal responsibility, and healing.

    Good luck to you!

    January 31, 2009 at 9:22 AM #339830
    seattle-relo
    Participant

    I encourage you to stick with whatever conditions or limits you and your husband feel is appropriate and decide to make upfront (be it some amount of rent, chores, seeking out school/work). Also you mentioned that there are addiction issues. With that in mind, it could be helpful for you to attend a couple of alanon meetings just to get a better sense of how deeply powerful addiction can be and ways for you and your family to continue to be supportive, yet firm about the ways in which you can help him that will promote sobriety, personal responsibility, and healing.

    Good luck to you!

    January 31, 2009 at 1:48 PM #339337
    Ricechex
    Participant

    Just something else to note: If you want the person out after a few months and he refuses to leave, it may be difficult. Once someone moves in and has mail delivered to the house for 30-60 days, he has squatter’s rights and you would have to legally evict him if he refuses to go.

    January 31, 2009 at 1:48 PM #339664
    Ricechex
    Participant

    Just something else to note: If you want the person out after a few months and he refuses to leave, it may be difficult. Once someone moves in and has mail delivered to the house for 30-60 days, he has squatter’s rights and you would have to legally evict him if he refuses to go.

    January 31, 2009 at 1:48 PM #339759
    Ricechex
    Participant

    Just something else to note: If you want the person out after a few months and he refuses to leave, it may be difficult. Once someone moves in and has mail delivered to the house for 30-60 days, he has squatter’s rights and you would have to legally evict him if he refuses to go.

    January 31, 2009 at 1:48 PM #339786
    Ricechex
    Participant

    Just something else to note: If you want the person out after a few months and he refuses to leave, it may be difficult. Once someone moves in and has mail delivered to the house for 30-60 days, he has squatter’s rights and you would have to legally evict him if he refuses to go.

    January 31, 2009 at 1:48 PM #339880
    Ricechex
    Participant

    Just something else to note: If you want the person out after a few months and he refuses to leave, it may be difficult. Once someone moves in and has mail delivered to the house for 30-60 days, he has squatter’s rights and you would have to legally evict him if he refuses to go.

    January 31, 2009 at 4:03 PM #339397
    CBad
    Participant

    Wow. I’m really glad I posted this. I didn’t even consider renter or yikes, squatter’s rights! I mean I know this will likely never come up but you never know. Ok, that’s something I need to look into. I also liked the suggestions of attending a couple alanon meetings and writing our agreement down.

    To answer some questions, I have 3 girls. And I am fiercely protective of them. This is the reason behind the no friend rule. I work from home and will not leave them alone with this person. I would never in a million years think this person would do anything to harm my girls but have you ever noticed that’s what everyone says when a family member molests their child? I just don’t take any chances.

    I do not have a guest room. I’ll be giving him one of my girls’ rooms and they’ll be sharing.

    January 31, 2009 at 4:03 PM #339723
    CBad
    Participant

    Wow. I’m really glad I posted this. I didn’t even consider renter or yikes, squatter’s rights! I mean I know this will likely never come up but you never know. Ok, that’s something I need to look into. I also liked the suggestions of attending a couple alanon meetings and writing our agreement down.

    To answer some questions, I have 3 girls. And I am fiercely protective of them. This is the reason behind the no friend rule. I work from home and will not leave them alone with this person. I would never in a million years think this person would do anything to harm my girls but have you ever noticed that’s what everyone says when a family member molests their child? I just don’t take any chances.

    I do not have a guest room. I’ll be giving him one of my girls’ rooms and they’ll be sharing.

    January 31, 2009 at 4:03 PM #339819
    CBad
    Participant

    Wow. I’m really glad I posted this. I didn’t even consider renter or yikes, squatter’s rights! I mean I know this will likely never come up but you never know. Ok, that’s something I need to look into. I also liked the suggestions of attending a couple alanon meetings and writing our agreement down.

    To answer some questions, I have 3 girls. And I am fiercely protective of them. This is the reason behind the no friend rule. I work from home and will not leave them alone with this person. I would never in a million years think this person would do anything to harm my girls but have you ever noticed that’s what everyone says when a family member molests their child? I just don’t take any chances.

    I do not have a guest room. I’ll be giving him one of my girls’ rooms and they’ll be sharing.

    January 31, 2009 at 4:03 PM #339846
    CBad
    Participant

    Wow. I’m really glad I posted this. I didn’t even consider renter or yikes, squatter’s rights! I mean I know this will likely never come up but you never know. Ok, that’s something I need to look into. I also liked the suggestions of attending a couple alanon meetings and writing our agreement down.

    To answer some questions, I have 3 girls. And I am fiercely protective of them. This is the reason behind the no friend rule. I work from home and will not leave them alone with this person. I would never in a million years think this person would do anything to harm my girls but have you ever noticed that’s what everyone says when a family member molests their child? I just don’t take any chances.

    I do not have a guest room. I’ll be giving him one of my girls’ rooms and they’ll be sharing.

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