I think a family’s choice to have a single earner and SAHP is a fine choice. I think a family’s choice to have two working parents is also fine. That’s the more common feminist view – the opportunity for choice.
I am an engineer because of feminism. I remember being told by a professor that I was a waste of a seat that could be filled by a male. (Yes – I reported him to the dean and he was forced to apologize to me and the other 2 women in the class.) I was told by a manager at an internship that he felt the internship should have been offered to a male student – he assumed I was like his daughter, at college to get the “MRS” degree. He also “encouraged” me to wear skirts to work, despite the fact that the job required climbing poles on top of buildings to retrieve the weather instrumentation for calibration. Feminism made these guys obsolete. I am proud to have the label “feminist” assigned to me because it suggests that I believe that women AND men should have all choices available – and should be compensated equivalently.
Now – back to the childcare and budget and work vs stay at home. I’m a numbers gal. When I had my first child I was able to negotiate a 3 day work week. That was the perfect compromise for me. My husband also dropped down to 4 days a week, so we only had our son in an in-home daycare 2 days a week. The daycare was with a friend who was a SAHM who we were the only client of. It was a win win – and comparable care to what my son got from me.
When pregnant with my second son, and in a different state than the first daycare provider I made a spreadsheet to figure out what the best financial options were. 2 kids, one in a “2s” room, one in an infant room is pricey. I think we paid $26k/year for both of them during two expensive years while the youngest was in the infant room. That dropped significantly when they were out of diapers. This was Kindercare – not the cheapest option, not the most expensive. The parents I met there were definitely professionals: lawyers, doctors, Phd chemists and biologists, engineers like myself, corporate managers.
My spreadsheet confirmed that we would still be ahead, financially, if I returned to work. And it was more than 30cents on the dollar. We also had columns for nanny, in-home daycares, and for both options of stay at home parents. (I made more than DH at the time plus provided the benefits.) One of the factors that played into my continuing to work was the fact that engineers, MALE or FEMALE, become “stale” if unemployed for a few years. The only way around that is to get a graduate degree during the parenting break, to justify current skills. I’ve seen guys get burned by this same gap – it’s not a problem just for mommy-track women.
For us – it came down to life balance vs income. I continued to be part time until I retired. Part time options happened because of feminism, also. At least at my employer… it was women pushing for family balance – and then DADs taking advantage of it. In the late 90’s and early 2000’s Motorola consistently got awards for being “mommy friendly”.
And to reaffirm BG’s point. I brought my lunch to work – saving a fortune. As an engineer I could wear jeans or crops and flip-flops to work. (And did) Even if I had customer meetings a skirt or slacks and blouse was more than adequate. I never had to wear a suit outside of job interviews. (Legal and Banking professions are different in that respect.)
At this point – I’ve chosen to be home with the kids full time. I’m calling it retirement. I can afford it because I didn’t hire outside help to take care of my household… brought my lunch… never spent a fortune on clothes. My part time salary was under $100k – but I was still able to save a lot, pay off my mortgage, and still have time to coach my kids FLL team and cheer them on in basketball and baseball.
You have made your choice to be a stay at home parent. That’s a great choice for your family. I made a choice to continue to work. That worked for me and my family. Feminism promotes these kind of choices. But families MUST consider the financial impact of their choices – regardless of what choice they make. You should make the choice with open eyes.[/quote]
I appreciate your story, UCGal, and agree with everything you’ve said. My problem isn’t with you nor with your version of feminism. My problem is with BG’s version of feminism…where choice is NOT AT ALL on their agenda. Not only that, but they have pushed the message that women are no more than men with breasts; that childbearing, child-rearing, and homemaking are not valuable or worthy of any sort of recognition, credit, or respect. They are perpetuating the myth that only “men’s work” (paid labor) is valuable, and that women contribute little to nothing in their traditional roles. That is the antithesis of genuine feminism that would seek to improve women’s lot in life.
Some of us do NOT have the same choices that you and your husband have had, for a variety of reasons; but we have other options that work best for us. As a fellow numbers person, we have run the numbers, and it was very obvious which option would work best for us, just from a financial perspective. We also considered what we wanted for our family in the short, medium, and long term. We discussed all of these things at great length before and during our engagement. Mr. CAR was the one who chose the SAHP option, as I told him I would either be childless and work outside of the home, or have children and work inside the home…the choice was 100% his. This discussion happened **before** we were even engaged.
In our case, I could have gone part-time, but there was no way my DH would have been able to do this, not that he wanted this option in the first place. But my pay would have been so low, we would have been one of those families who would be *paying* in order for me to work outside of the home (the negative income thing). We also knew we didn’t want to send our kids to public school (just our personal choice, not judging people who choose other options…I know BG is going to spout off about this), and private school is too expensive, so we opted to homeschool, which is a nice compromise that has worked exceedingly well for our family.
We also have very complex scheduling issues, and my being home, and homeschooling — having a completely flexible schedule — is the only way we could get any reasonable family time together. All of our decisions were calculated after a lot of thought, running the numbers, and taking many other variables into consideration. And in addition to giving up my job, I had to move to a different city/county in order to be with my husband, so gave up all of my long-term friends and my professional networks in order to accommodate his work and lifestyle. And San Diego has a horrible job market for those outside of telephony or biotech (I was not in either).
To say that people like myself are getting a “free ride” is absurd and incredibly offensive. SAHPs do a tremendous amount of work, and this work is incredibly valuable to society, even though it is unpaid labor. To suggest otherwise is totally ignorant of the facts, and it perpetuates the denigration of women. I’ve bitten my tongue on many occasions while BG goes off on one of her anti-woman diatribes, but her posts here were the straw that broke the camel’s back. I will no longer stay silent when she makes these attacks.
