[quote=UCGal][quote=CA renter]I have to disagree with a lot of the posters on this. I think that if you had a very close, longer-term relationship with someone, it’s best to have some closure. Both sides should be given the opportunity to vent and/or decide if they want to continue with some kind of post-relationship friendship. Many of the people I’ve dated weren’t for me right in a romantic sense, but ended up being pretty decent friends. I know a lot of people who’ve maintained good friendships with exes.[/quote]
CAR I see your point – but it doesn’t always work like that in the long run.
If one party is more clingy/needy after the breakup or in denial that it’s over, it can get really ugly.
Like you – I stayed friends with some exes… but it wasn’t possible in every case.[/quote]
Agree that some people can be truly nuts, but I’ve always tried to avoid those right up front, as there are usually some signs…like extreme, almost violent, obsessive anger toward exes. Never went past a first date with those (and some were indeed very scary).
I’ve been pretty lucky with the people I’ve dated, and most were really decent people. In my experience, if people feel like they are being respected and listened to, they tend to be pretty rational. That’s why I’ve always spent a lot of time listening if I was the one who broke it off. Always remained available for as long as it took and never cut anyone off abruptly (without continuing in a romantic sense, and always made that part clear). Never really had a problem, at least not anything major. Probably one of the main factors is that I never had a third party in the wings — no cheating, games, etc. And I’ve always been honest and straightforward about the reason(s) for the relationship not working. Based on what I’ve seen, people tend to fly off the handle if they feel tricked or betrayed; if everyone is respectful and cool, it rarely seems to end in a psycho, stalker blow-up. Just my personal experience.
One benefit of hearing them out is that I’ve had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes, they’ve had valid points — like my inadvertently making them think the relationship was more than it was based on certain things I had said. Listening to their complaints has given me an opportunity to change some things that might not have been right on my part.
Not saying it’s always been perfect, and some didn’t end with any kind of friendship, but nothing particularly ugly, either. And since there was always a chance that I’d run into them at a later date, since most of the people I’ve dated lived within a 5-mile radius of me and/or tended to hang out with many of the same friends from our youth (or we worked together…yikes!), always thought it best to leave things in the best way possible. FWIW, most of the friendships I’ve maintained with exes ended once I got married. Still run into a few once in awhile (still hanging out with the same friends from our youth), and it’s cordial, but nothing more.
The scariest men I’ve ever experienced were those with whom I had *never* had any kind of relationship, including the crazy stalker I’ve mentioned here before who followed me around for almost three years! 🙁
