[quote=bearishgurl]Yes, CAR, I have and DO hear this “unilateral decision” story or the “Unbeknownst to me, she reported to work after her maternity leave was up and then quit within a few hours/days/weeks and hasn’t worked since,” story often.
I believe there ARE a lot of communication problems in marriages, especially those with kids in the picture. A LOT of higher-earning parents absolutely cannot afford to support a family with kids by themselves (at least in the manner the household has been used to) and only agreed to have children if the the other parent continued to bring in their customary income after the children were born. They didn’t sign up for their spouse turning the tables on them in secret but this actually happens a lot.
I DID state that the payor spouse is to blame as well for allowing the problem to go on, thus being part of the cause of the problem in the event of divorce. “Support liability” is a HUGE OBSTACLE and many times the ONLY OBSTACLE to filing for divorce for many higher-earning spouses. That’s why we see more women filing for divorce than men and why we see so many “gray” divorce filings and filings shortly after the last kid graduates from HS. I feel it is a travesty that so many parents live in misery for a decade or more due to monthly CS payments typically ordered in CA being tied to child custody timeshare percentages ordered (which I feel is so wrong in so many ways). At its worst, it invites protracted child custody litigation.
Perhaps the families you are familiar with in this regard have one parent with substantial wages or other income in their own right, large enough to support a family with multiple kids. But that is not reflective of parents as a whole, especially those raising kids in coastal CA counties.
My prior post has no bearing on whether I “respect” or don’t respect SAHP’s. I honestly don’t have a position on it or a personal problem with it. It was just to bring up that in CA, BOTH parents are expected to support their children in the event of a divorce (or in the case of never-married parents). There is no provision in the law for recompense (in the form of back wages) for the prior services of a SAHP ordered because it is assumed that their own support was paid by the payor-party all during the time their household and child-caring services were rendered.
If the SAHP is eligible for spousal support, this may be ordered if they are not paid a lump sum in lieu out of community property. However, in the garden-variety divorce of the “non-rich,” it is unlikely that this lump sum or monthly payment is anywhere near enough to support the previously dependent spouse either short term or long term and it isn’t meant to be. It’s meant to help them get on their feet with the short-term goal of self-sufficiency.
My post wasn’t aimed at you or any Pigg in particular. It was just to illustrate the way the “system” operates, which none of us can do anything about. I apologize if you took it personally.[/quote]
1.) Having a SAHP is never done in secret (and if it is done in secret, which I’ve never seen or heard of before, it wouldn’t be long before somebody finds out).
2.) It seems as though you are basing your opinions about the unilateral nature of this decision on people who are already in the process of getting a divorce, presumably via some of the legal work you’ve done. That is the time when a formerly approving spouse is likely to change his/her tune and claim that the decision was unilateral in order to gain sympathy from those involved in the divorce proceedings. But it’s not indicative of what went on during the marriage.
3.) I do not know of a single marriage where the decision to have a SAHP was made unilaterally, and I know people from some very poor and some very wealthy households, many/most of whom live within a few miles of the coast.
4.) I’ve already called you out on the myth of the purchasing power of the second income earner, particularly when there are young children involved. You said that you would go through my numbers to try to prove that the second income-earners wages are more substantial, but have failed to do so. This is a well-known fact, BG, which is why so many more families are reverting back to single-income earners. Not only does it work out financially, but it works out better for the children.
5.) Having a parent at home is not a “problem,” as you suggest; for many people, it’s the best/only way for them to run their households and maintain a good marriage and family life. SAHPs ARE working parents. The fact that the person doesn’t earn an income does not change this fact. Taking care of your children IS supporting them, as is earning an income.
6.) The reason people wait until their youngest child is out of the house before getting a divorce isn’t because of child support payments in most cases, it’s because most people know that children do better in a two-parent household. Forcing children into a nomadic lifestyle while shuffling between both of their parents’ homes is a poor substitute for having an intact family. Many people are wise enough to understand this, so are willing to make the sacrifices themselves by sticking it out until the kids are grown, instead of making their children suffer for their parents’ mistakes (abuse is obviously an exception, and parents should indeed do whatever is necessary to remove themselves and their children from abusive situations).
7.) No, the SAHP is not being compensated fully during the time that he/she is taking care of the children and household. A shared room and bathroom is hardly adequate compensation for the kind of work SAHPs do and the sacrifices they make for their families (social, educational, work/financial, etc.) and, oftentimes, their spouse’s career. There is an expectation that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and the SAHP receives part of his/her compensation later in life after the children have grown. It’s like deferred compensation for the work they’ve already done.
8.) You, of all people, should know that spousal support and community property division are two completely separate legal matters.
This isn’t about me, BG. It’s about you. You make a habit of popping off about things you know nothing about, and you push your opinions and life choices onto others even when they tell you to knock it off. You have a lot to offer about the things that you do understand (municipal law, etc.), but that doesn’t translate to knowledge about other people’s housing choices, parenting styles, marital choices, food choices, exercise choices, etc. You need to do what’s right for you, but realize that other people are doing what’s right for them. You are not knowledgeable enough to tell others how they should run their lives.
Here’s a very short video of Elizabeth Warren explaining the “two-income trap.” The second income is a big part of the problem, and I believe it’s largely responsible for the economic troubles we’re experiencing right now:
Here’s a longer video of one of her lectures:
Here’s a link to her book:
You (and many others) really need to educate yourself about this, BG.
