flu, I think your gift pricing is totally appropriate. I’ve been a mom for 28 years (my youngest is about to turn 15, if I choose to let her), and have much experience in birthday etiquette. In that timespan, I’ve seen birthday parties go from modest celebrations that the kids – both celebrant and guests – enjoyed thoroughly, to exercises in excess that honestly had nothing to do with the kid’s birthday (aside from the date) and everything to do with the parents’ need to flex their exhibitionist muscle.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything I could do about that, but I didn’t let that affect my gifting decisions. The “keeping up with the Joneses” stuff really took off in the mid-80s, and it was not only how big a blowout you could throw, but also the number of guests for whom you could throw it. Ergo, my kids were always getting invited to parties for kids they barely knew. I gave them a choice as to whether they wanted to attend, and worked out a costing model similar to yours.
Quite honestly, I think many of us have lost the concept of what a gift is – something that we want to give someone because we’re grateful for something they did and want to show that gratitude, or because we care for them and want to make them happy. The scenario #3 you list is an easy one because it fits this description, and that’s why the amount is open-ended. Scenario #2 isn’t terribly difficult, either.
However, #1 is tough because you don’t want to tell your child that they can’t attend a birthday party. So, in that situation, the $15 or $20 is the cost of maintaining a part of your kid’s social life. But I’ve never felt an obligation to give more because of what other people might be giving. Trust me: most of the parents giving the pricey gifts are doing so not because they’re so fond of the birthday child, but because they are concerned about how others will judge them.
Someone wrote that you cannot give a cheaper gift to someone who has already given your child a more expensive gift. I can’t agree with this. If the child is a close friend, I’m already searching for an above-average cost gift that I really feel (very important) will give the child pleasure, and that will be my criteria – not whether his/her parents spent more on a gift for my kid. Over the years, I’ve witnessed a significant number of parents who give gifts inappropriate to the level of friendship, either because they just can’t help themselves from overspending, or because they are worried about what others will say.
So I think your pricing is appropriate, and if it works for you, stick to it.
Re: #2, I usually brought a gift from each child. But I only took the 2nd child if he/she truly qualified as a playmate or friend.
Re: #3, I agree with those who said that wrapping is essential as the opening of the gift is almost as important as the gift itself. I know that I like it, pretty much everyone I know likes it, and it also provides great photo ops. Buy inexpensive wrapping paper at the dollar store, or have your child find a way to wrap/decorate the package. Then you’ll at least have some of your guilt assuaged by the knowledge that you engaged your kid in a creative activity.
Re: #4, regifting never occurred to me, but I don’t find anything particularly offensive about the idea, so long as you’re careful about it (I don’t think that the gift-giving parents would take it in stride). I think your success is dependent upon your kids: I have some that were aware of every gift they received three years after the party, and others who remembered only one or two by the week’s end. I can empathize with your having to deal with the sheer amount of stuff; being almost-empty nesters, we downsized recently, and what a treat that was! Since it appears that the recession will only be deepening in the foreseeable future, perhaps you can stockpile some of the gifts for holiday toy drives.
