NY-er moving to SD- but where??

[NYMom]

Again, thank you all for putting so much time and thought into helping me from afar on such a huge decision. So far, these are the cities I’m going to look into further:
-Encinitas
-Del Mar
-Solano Beach
-Mission Hills
-Coronado
-Poway
-La Habra Heights
-La Jolla
-Temecula
-Olivenain

These are in addition to the ones I’ve already researched such as Rancho Santa Fe, Laguna, etc.

I’ll keep you posted!

[carli]

I’ve done a similar move as you’re considering (lived in lower Fairfield County, CT, commuted to Manhattan) and moved here about 8 yrs ago. We also had similar criteria to yours and same feelings about how to raise our family.

FWIW, we landed in Del Mar, which is not perfect, but we still feel fortunate to live here. It will be tough to find what you want under $1.75 mil in Del Mar, and you won’t find the acreage. But your mindset will probably adjust on that and several other points when you get here – for example, instead of lot size, you might evolve to wanting a yard with privacy or a view. I think you’ll find that the weather allows you and your kids to be out at the beach or other local parks, and you won’t miss having a lot of land. Plus, the cost of water is getting so crazy here that even if you have drought tolerant landscape (as we do) without a lawn, you may not want to have more than about a 10,000 sf lot (and I remember being alarmed/amused at having lots measured in square footage instead of acres, but you get used to it!)

Many people on this site have strong personal feelings about which areas are “best” and like to defend them but some, including bearishgirl, do not have firsthand knowledge living in the area you’re leaving so do not speak from experience on that angle. I wholeheartedly agree with SD Realtor that you should come out to the area and rent first, get a feel for each town/area of SD and decide for yourself which is best for you and your family.

Again, feel free to PM me for more info, as I’m wary of getting into yet another debate here about which area is “best.” Obviously, what’s right for me may not be right for you so I don’t feel a need to defend Del Mar or even coastal North County as the right place for you. But I’m happy to privately offer my opinion and observations on the area, coming from the same area as you will be leaving, and with many of the same thoughts as you have about how to raise a family.

[njtosd]

[quote=NYMom]FlyerInHi…thanks for the comments. Respectfully, I disagree that he should decide. This decision should be based on what’s best for our children first and foremost. I do agree that it will be hard to find, but am hopeful that there are people in CA that want that same community and want to raise their kids the right way. It’s these fears that keep me up at night.[/quote]

Hmm. You do realize that virtually every parent wants to raise their children “the right way”? There simply isn’t an agreement about what that is. You refer to the fears that keep you up at night, but you don’t identify them. Is your fear that CA people don’t want to be part of a community and don’t care about their kids….? Or do you worry that the culture here is different than what you’re used to (it probably is …)

I’m afraid that you will be very unlikely to find a large yard, top schools, the locations that you’ve mentioned etc. on your budget. I suppose it depends on what schools would be acceptable. Maybe 4s ranch? But no village feel … I think you need to prioritize.

[moneymaker]

I’d say Poway if being near the water is not important, or Encinitas if it is (will have to give up sq.ft. or acreage).

[scaredyclassic]

[quote=NYMom]Again, thank you all for putting so much time and thought into helping me from afar on such a huge decision. So far, these are the cities I’m going to look into further:
-Encinitas
-Del Mar
-Solano Beach
-Mission Hills
-Coronado
-Poway
-La Habra Heights
-La Jolla
-Temecula
-Olivenain

These are in addition to the ones I’ve already researched such as Rancho Santa Fe, Laguna, etc.

I’ll keep you posted![/quote]

On behalf of temecula, we are excited to be on your shortlist. Pm me if you want to stop by for a sandwich and complimentary Pastis to see true village feel.

[flyer]

In today’s real estate market in San Diego, it is far more difficult to be extremely discriminating (as we also were) when you are working within a budget, and I completely agree with SD Realtor that renting would be a great way to find the place you and your family want to call home.

[bearishgurl]

[quote=carli] . . . Many people on this site have strong personal feelings about which areas are “best” and like to defend them but some, including bearishgirl, do not have firsthand knowledge living in the area you’re leaving so do not speak from experience on that angle. I wholeheartedly agree with SD Realtor that you should come out to the area and rent first, get a feel for each town/area of SD and decide for yourself which is best for you and your family . . . [/quote]

I already suggested to NYMom that she consider giving up lot size in SoCal due to water cost earlier in this thread, Carli. No, I haven’t been to NY but I’ve been in and around Baltimore and the nicer MD suburbs/exurbs in Frederick and Montgomery Counties several times visiting relatives. In addition, I’ve been to several small cities/towns in the well-heeled Fairfax County, VA, including McLean and the very exclusive Great Falls along the Potomac. I’ve seen the long driveways, the longer setbacks, the min 1 AC treed lots with split-rail fencing, the brick tudors and narrow streets where all the neighbors know each other and the kids ride their bikes freely day and night …. I’ve seen it all.

For upper-middle class and up families, the east coast has a different type of “bucolic” existence that the CA coastal counties do not quite offer at the same price point. But based upon her posts and my experience, I think I know what NYMom is looking for, enough to make suggestions to her within SD County.

I read that the OP stated she wanted a kind of “self-contained” neighborhood where she and the kids could walk or ride bikes to small businesses. In SD County, that is mostly in a select few urban areas or those areas with a “village” of small businesses. I didn’t include LJ because of her price point and she never indicated that she was willing to reduce her square footage requirement significantly. Del Mar seems to meet her price point and almost or possibly her square footage req but not lot size. I’m not sure about the homes close enough to walk/bike to DM Village, however. You’re the “expert” on that.

I know metro SD, south and east counties pretty well and have spotty knowledge of North County cities. I know quite a few SD metro and south county communities intimately.

Coronado meets all NYMom’s criteria if she can come down on sq footage and lot size for her price point. It has excellent public schools but they are rigorous. It is not uncommon for kids to transfer out of Cor HS to another HS off the island if they can’t hack the rigor. In addition, Cor HS is an “open campus” meaning the kids are free to leave it during the school day … there are no barriers holding them on campus. Resident kids can and do ride their bikes everywhere on Coronado (yes, even 8 yr olds) and it is designed for that. The civilian part of the island has only a couple of “chain” stores that I know of: a small Vons (grocery chain) and a Rite Aid pharmacy. The rest of the retail and service businesses there are independently owned and can be reached by resident by bike in just a few minutes (or on foot, if they live close enough). Coronado has bike racks installed convenient to shopping.

NYMom, my kids are now all out of HS. However, due to their competitions throughout six counties in SoCal, I know where some of the best public HS’s are in LA and Orange County but can’t comment on the “village feel,” walkability or their feeder schools in these areas but am assuming the feeder schools are good. Here are a few off the top of my head:

Brea Olinda
Cypress
Arcadia
John Burroughs (Burbank)
Los Alamitos (also serving Seal Beach)
Hart (serving Santa Clarita incl Newhall and Saugus)

And as UCGal mentioned, San Diego High School (SDHS), which also serves east Mission Hills, offers the International Baccalaureate (IB) Diploma. This program is only offered by a few dozen CA HS’s, is very rigorous and requires a lot of extra work for the student.

If I read right, NYMom wants to endeavor to keep her kids away from the rampant materialism so prevalent among public secondary school students today. IMHO, that might be difficult, if not impossible, if her kids attended public schools … even the public secondary schools where she currently lives.

[bearishgurl]

[quote=moneymaker]I’d say Poway if being near the water is not important, or Encinitas if it is (will have to give up sq.ft. or acreage).[/quote]

I thought of Poway early on, but, like so many good, large-lot areas in SD County, it is car-dependent, too many of its residents have Big Toys parked on their lots and some residential areas do not even have sidewalks, let alone a “neighborhood (retail) village” to walk to.

NYMom, the correct spelling of Olivenain is “Olivenhain,” which is now part of the City of Encinitas.

[NYMom]

Wow, everybody. I’m so impressed, not only by the depth and breadth of answers you’ve provided me, but also with everyone being so nice about sparing their own time to respond at all! Thank you also for not “judging me” too harshly based on my expectations and requirements, and for being respectful toward each other even if you disagree. I’ve never posted to a site before and I’m just blown away and grateful.

This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, and the move will definitely be the most difficult, gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever done. Leaving my friends and extended family will have long lasting effects on me, but I’m hoping that if it turns out to be a great decision for my kids, not only in preserving OUR family, but if they’re happier and healthier for it, then I will find it was all worth it in the end.

Flyer, what keeps me up at night is the thought that staying where we are and raising them here, vs. leaving and raising them in CA, they will “turn out” differently. I don’t even know how, or to what extent, I just think no matter how on top of things I am at home, you are so much a product of your environment, and I worry about what “environment” we’ll provide them out there. I’m also so sad they will not grow up with the same tight-knit, big, crazy but incredibly fun and supportive family I had growing up. It will really just be us and their Uncle out there, and no matter how many friends we make, you can’t replicate Sunday dinners with 10-20 aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents around the table. My husband didn’t grow up like that, so doesn’t have that same value set in that department. Ugh…I’m making myself sad just typing this.

Anyway, I know I spoke about walk ability where we live currently, and it’s awesome to have, but I certainly have no problem hopping in the car to run errands, go eat or head to the beach for a walk with the dog. I just want to know that at the end of that short drive, there’s a village of shopkeepers I can get to know, that will know my kids names eventually and where I can grab a bottle of wine, get my dress dry cleaned, make a run to the bank, buy a gift for a friend who’s sick or myself some fresh flowers to cheer myself up if I’m homesick. Does that make sense?

Again, for the umpteenth time…thank you all for your kindness and generosity. I’m going to get to work on researching the cities that may well become home. I even bought myself a little notebook. Wish me luck! 🙂

[FlyerInHi]

[quote=NYMom]I totally hear you. Our town where we live, the kids don’t even get bussed to school! We can walk to schools, the village, parks, friends houses, and my husband has a 7 minute walk to the train which takes him to NYC in 30 minutes. It’s ideal for sure. But he’s FROM California, and is dying to return. I think my marriage basically depends on it at this point. So, pretty compelling. :)[/quote]

The reason I said let your husband decide is because it seems like you’re moving to CA because of him. Sounds like he’s longing for something of back home.

So maybe ask him to come up with his short list because he’s from California. Then research his short list.

It also sounds like you’re pretty flexible on where to live.

If you’re hosting family and friends frequently, and if you need to travel, living near an airport would be so much more convenient.

Based on your budget, what I know of Westchester County, walkability etc… I vote for Mission Hills, if you can compromise on lot size and house size, and maybe age of the house.

If you have a remodeling/building budget, then the choice is easier.

California is almost a different country from the North Eastern corridor.

Del Mar proper is only 5,000 inhabitants… lots of second homes of people who don’t live there.

I doubt you’ll be able to duplicate the village feel you love.

If I had to generalize, the upscale suburban communities of NY provide a “village or homey” feel. In So Cal, we go for the “resort” feel. Very different.

The reason I like to visit family in NY is the “sense of belonging.” I don’t even believe in God, but I like to go to mass with relatives… have breakfast with the priest, meet the neighbors, chit chat here and there. People talk about their children, etc…

And of you course, you’re just a commute away from Manhattan. The center of the universe!!

[SD Realtor]

There are some very cool parts of Poway. If you want a very unique place to live then check out High Valley at the top of Poway…

[bearishgurl]

MYMom, if you don’t live in the same neighborhood as the shops where you want the shopkeepers to “get to know” your kids and instead have to “hop in the car” to get to these shops, the shopkeepers will likely not see your kids often enough for them to remember them if you do your errands while they’re in school, IMO.

Your kids are young yet. You really have little control over so many things they will encounter as they get older, especially in HS (9th) grade or “Senior HS” (10th grade) and beyond. Yes, even where you currently live. Unless you are willing to home school them thru the 12th grade or send them to a rigorous “college prep” private HS (religious or not), they will adopt the culture of their “peers” in HS, whatever that may be. As a parent who will eventually have public high-schoolers (if that is the route you choose), you will often have to “go with the flow” to let your kids “find their way.” They need to be prepared socially for college as well, where they will encounter so many more situations that they will have to make decisions about without you. Your kids will not be able to succeed in a large public university and could become homesick fast and possibly drop out if they cannot adapt to the fast pace and the other students. They will need to: make new friends quickly in a much bigger pond than their HS; advocate for themselves with their academic advisors (esp in CA with budget cuts adversely affecting public university offerings and programs); approach clubs to join them; submit their resume for an on-campus job (if they wish to work on campus) and interview for that job; rush fraternities or sororities the 2nd/3rd week of school; and, try out for athletic teams, etc. They have to be willing and able to let a lot of things roll off their back and keep going.

I know all this seems far into the future for your kids but I’m “ranting” a little here because I’ve seen the effects firsthand of children who have been too cloistered by their parents (not saying that’s the situation with your family). These kids literally cannot function by themselves and at the age of 18-plus-one-minute (hopefully if already finished with HS), they tend to flee their family home to live out their ‘inner wild child.’ Especially the ones who have been prohibited from sleepovers and watching most TV programs, had their (non-smartphone) cellphones blocked except for select numbers, had all their clothing chosen by mom, been prohibited from “dating” or going out with friends, been prohibited from holding down a part-time job, had their internet usage heavily filtered and/or timed, had a 10:00 pm curfew at the age of 17, etc…. ‘Nuff said.

Hundreds of thousands of HS Seniors successfully graduate from CA public HS’s every year with their A-G reqs (for CA public university entrance) met or exceeded. About 55% of them are accepted into CA public universities and the rest begin attending a CA community college, a trade school or private vocational college, an out-of-state and/or private university/college or go on into the military.

NYMom, you don’t need to lose any sleep over changing your kids’ environment. Believe me when I say here that I understand the position you are in so I’m now with FlyerInHi (brian) in that you should let your spouse decide where he wants to move to since he is already familiar with SoCal (since he is from here?) Have HIM give you a “short list” of places to consider. Maybe near where his brother lives?? You don’t want be the one to blame if your new city/town isn’t really what he wanted to live in but he signs up for it, anyway. Then take the other advice here from SDRealtor and flyer? to just rent here your first year or more and see how you both like it. Your kids will like it if you are both happy. You can always buy a house later, when your oldest kid is entering middle school (if they’re going to enroll in public school).

It will all turn out okay.

[joec]

I would have to echo SD R as well and as recommended to the bay area person moving, you really can’t substitute renting for a year first to get a very good idea of what’s important to you and what areas are here.

Ultimately, you’d have to make concessions somewhere so being able to visit areas for lunch each weekend and just hang out and read the news, live life, etc…would give you a much better impression of what actually is important to you.

I have no knowledge of a ton of areas mentioned so others can share more, but since you may purchase and stick around the area for the next 15 years or possibly retire here due to the weather/comfort/more space possibly than NY, it’s worth it to rent and after you are here, get more detailed info of specific places you see/visit.

Sucks to move again of course…but still, leave most things in boxes and hire help and it’s pretty fast actually.

[NYMom]

Yes, I’ve been looking, and Poway has some great inventory! Big lots, houses that all look different and reasonable prices (that sounds ridiculous at this price point, doesn’t it?!). It does seem very inland to me though, is that the case? I read someone had said 5-7 miles inland has the best weather, but I cant tell from the online maps how far that is in reality.

[NYMom]

Bearish, thanks for the rant. 🙂 I totally get where you’re coming from and agree that letting go and preparing them to go off on their own is as much a part of parenting as guiding and raising them in the beginning is. Thanks for the advice and kind words, I appreciate the feedback. Next steps involve narrowing down the list, which because of everyone’s help here, I’m slowly doing, then coming to visit the short list contenders. Thx again!

[Author]

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