San Diego Housing Bubble News and Analysis

Having those rules are good. It's your house, so that person need to respect that. But personally, I have no problem with my family member living with me when they hit a rough patch. To me, that's what family do for each other. That's what separate family from friends. I personally wouldn't set a limit.

Why not give him a tent and make him camp out in the yard? It's not that cold at night. Let him come inside to take a shower and eat and hopefully you have wireless so he can use internet from a laptop and an extention cord.

Why let him come inside to take a shower? Just give him a garden hose. And if he wants to use his laptop, give him a pedal generator.

Geez.

CBad, sounds to me like he needs some healing

You can't force someone into growing up if they have unhealed trauma getting in the way.

Your rules seem fair, would change the time frame though, if they are going to school, and doing better, maybe help them with that? Evaluate their financial condition and if they need help let them stay and you get to access their bills to make sure they are paying themselves off etc.

If you don't set some sort of deadline though, it becomes easy to get taken advantage of if the person is just lagging around..

but if they are truly turning their life around due to you helping them, why not make their life changing a little bit easier if they are actually doing it and let them stay on the cheap?

You can also go out a little bit more and have fun with your significant other because you have a babysitter whenever you want

I realize if you don't have the details and the history on the situation, that my conditions may seem harsh. Trust me, there is a reason for every one of them. Don't talk in metaphors though, just come out and say it. I'm a big girl and can take what I dish out.

And I agree he probably needs healing. And I know I cannot force anyone to do anything.

The easiest thing in the world would be for me to throw money at him and this has been done several times only to end up in the same situation. My form of help this time is teaching him to fish.

lbjames, thanks for your comments. It will make ALL the difference in the world if I see progress. The time frame is a compromise between my husband and I. I would go longer but I put my husband and kids first and I do everything with my husband through compromise. I do not trust this person to babysit my kids though that would be a nice advantage. And if my house were larger and he was doing great in school/work/life, I would let him rent a room cheap after the time frame. We just do not have the room which is why this is a sacrifice.

Charge them "rent".

Like make them pay for groceries or 1 utility bill or something. Not that you need the money...Make sure that they know this isn't a "free" ride. Also, this makes him go out a find a job and at least do something then just sit at home all day.

You better make sure things are ok with your hubby before doing this. It's one of those things that would tick me off frankly if someone was going to just come and stay and have no plans of moving on.
Personally, I admire a woman who think of their own family first before any extended families.

Having family stay with you is ALWAYS a potential recipe for disaster. I think your rules are more than fair.

The suggestion he might have some emotional issues and needs to be TLC'd...well, even if he does- a grown up needs to work on those issues & still be a grown up. Good boundaries are especially important in that situation.

Good luck! Compassion is wonderful, but hold true to your rules...

well.. after your replies, it seems like this person has maybe burned a few bridges before, so I think your rules are fair also. Open for negotiation if the person isn't looking for a place to shack up for 2 months..

Thanks flu. My husband and kids will always come first, always. I would never do something like this without 100% agreement from my husband. We have discussed this in depth and reached this compromise. I think paying a minor bill might be a good idea too. I was just thinking to have him save every penny to get him on his feet ASAP.

Thanks surferdp. It will be tough for me to stick to my rules I'll admit that right now. But I will do it and luckily I KNOW my husband will do it if I waffled even slightly!

1) Only have the rules if you are prepared to enforce them (i.e. boot him out, call the cops, etc). Envision yourself doing it, and decide now if you actually could. If you could - go for it.

2) Don't let your expectations get out of control. Put another way - don't take his failure as a failure on your part.

3) Don't believe that helping him beyond 2 months (if he doesn't shape up) is actually helping.

4) Charging rent after 2 months is a grand idea.

Regardless of how much he wants to be financially prudent(which may be another issue), if this person is emotionally distraught right now, the last thing he will be thinking about is money and managing it well. In fact, normal people would spend money out of a depression on booze, movies, flings, you name it.

People tend not to penny pinch at
1) Weddings
2) Babies
3) Divorces
4) Funerals

because these are typically emotional events.

That said, if you really want to help him/her financially, charge him as much as you can, and tuck it away for him until he's out of his emotional state. He'll thank you for it and if he doesn't, it's the last time you deal with him.

Let your husband play "bad guy" figuratively. If you get into a spot, just say "because you're all a guest of hubby, so you better follow the rules"

I agree with the dude.

In addition: i'm a bit of a hard-nose so I think it is your house, you get to set the rules. Period.

If he doesn't like them, he is free to find a home with rules that fit his criteria.

You are doing HIM a favor, he should appreciate that...on the surface it sounds like he is still trying to find his place in the sun and coddling him is, in the long run, doing him no favors.

Personally, I think rent should start from day 1. If he cannot afford rent, well there are ALWAYS household chores that can be completed in leiu of rent.

My view is that once a person reaches 18, there are no free rides in this life. That view has gotten me into a bit of hot water on this board before. Again, I'm a hard-nose.

Just want to be clear

I was using the word "you" in the general sense, not pointing my finger at you :)

I like FLU's charge him rent and then give it back to him when he moves out idea. Don't tell him about your plan. Then if he uses his time to get his life together, that will be a nice head start on his future and if not it will give him enough for first and last month's rent, etc.
Remember that no good deed goes unpunished, so plan on him being completely ungrateful and perhaps even pissed off at the end of his stay. It's a kind gesture, though. Stick to your rules. You're not doing him any favors by enabling him in not growing up.

svelte, are you my husband? :) Seriously, he said every single one of those things, even the household chores one.

Appreciate it guys. I'm getting some good advice here. I will be using some of these ideas...

I knew what you meant Enorah and I agree. :)

Completely expect this to happen. I'm hoping 10 years from now he'll look back with understanding and be thankful.

We've been in this situation a few times. Like AN, I believe that you take care of family - that's part of being family.

The closest situation to yours was when my husbands grown nephew wanted to get established on the west coast. We set the following rules:
- 6 months rent free, after that rent would be $200/month.
- Chores: dinner prep 1 night per week, mopping kitchen floor 1 x week. (Why should the two adults who had jobs do ALL the work... we all contribute.)
- I was not responsible for his laundry - he had to do his own laundry.
- Standard rules that applied to all of us... If you make a mess in a common area - you clean up the mess. Do what you want with your own room.

It worked well for us. Rules and set expectations help everyone involved.

One other thing, if there are issues with alcohol or other kinds of addiction, well those issues need to be dealt with.

Probably first

at the very least in tandem with the other stuff

If there are not, then never mind :)

There are alcohol issues which is the reason for the no smoking/drinking/drugs condition. He says he is off and in AA otherwise this decision would be an automatic NO WAY.

Thanks for the personal perspective UCGal.

CBad, I wish you all much love and healing as you extend yourselves to help him.

Let your love be unconditional, with no need to receive anything back directly from him, and your love and energy will return to you. If you become attached to a particular outcome here with him, you may be disappointed.

Thanks Enorah, I appreciate it. My love for him will always be unconditional. My house and financial support, however, is not. Like I said, I will always put my husband and kids first and will not jeopardize my relationship with them or their safety for anyone or anything.

This post is probably the first of many similar ones to come. I had a relative recently hint at either her and her kids staying with me or just a teenage son. I just said, "well these are my concerns/expectations but it is not out of the question". Haven't heard about it since.I guess those concerns did not jibe with expectations for my wife and I that I would probably consider unfair. Have boundaries for sure. They will leave sooner or the experience will turnout to work out at least O.K. for all because the situation has some harmony. Obviously, if someone is in need they will at least be able to pretend that they will cooperate with reasonable demands,even if they are stern, while in another persons house.

Good Luck CBad.

"I know my rules suck. I am trying to make it so that this person gets focused and gets out into the world like the adult he should have been 18 years ago."

I'm confused here. Is this an 18 year old kid or a 36 year old grown man? Healing for an 18 year, yes, i'd help guide him. Healing for 36 year old screw up who pissed away every chance anyone ever gave him, no way. If he is over the age of 30, I hope your husband gives him one week or less. I would be livid if my wife brought an extended family member in my home for "Healing". Why don't we all sit around, hold hands, and pray God will help him? C'mon!

This guy sounds like a walking excuse with no motivation for life. If he needs motivation, drive him down to Santa Monica. There are plenty of unmotivated people/reasons for him to become motivated and it will only take half a day. At least your children will have an example of why you should stay in school and not be lazy if you chose to keep this family member around.

Lay the rules and boundries down for this guy. I'm 100% sure he will follow them, but soon enough he will find somewhere else the rules don't exist, i.e. new girlfriend, a friend w/similar attributes, etc, then he'll be back to his old ways.

Am I way off base here, if so, please heal me...

Good luck w/ it CBAD. Change in people is hard to come by but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I think the only thing that really changes people is going through some kind of personal trauma. Lots of addicts say one has to hit bottom before one can recover.

You never know - maybe getting thrown out of your house will be the trauma he needs, or maybe it will send him further down a painful path that he needs to go in order to realize how bad off he is.

I like the idea of charging rent as well, but just a word of warning:

Charging rent will give him a whole lot of rights as a renter. Such as, you may have to give him notice to kick him, and once he is gone be responsible for his possessions etc. Look up some of the legal pitfalls of renting before going this route.

If it were me, I might have him stay as a "friend" for at least a month before charging anything. Friends have no legal rights.

If it works out, I am all for eventually charging him rent.

Well, you're definitely in a much better position just by posting the question and getting all these responses. Something I should have done a year and a half ago.

I ended up with a close relative, on my couch, for 8 - 9 months. All day, every day, living on my couch. I live in a 500 - 600 square foot apartment. It was supposed to be a couple of months, max. It took a tremendous toll on me.

Because of who this particular relative was, I didn't think it was necessary to lay down the most obvious of rules/duties. I was wrong. Had I done what these folks are suggesting it would have gone much better for me - and, I believe, him as well.

Be firm and be consistent. You'll both appreciate it in the end. Good luck with that.

CBad,

I'll go off on a very different tangent here.

I've been the person on the couch (in my youth, and it was because of a housing transition/job change ...no drugs, drinking, etc.) and I've been the host for a few people "on the couch." Additionally, I've always lived with many roommates and have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Going from that...

1. If you have daughters, and this is a male relative, you might want to reconsider, even if you are home all the time.

2. Do you have an empty room, or is this person literally going to be living in your family's common area? A guest room is optimal, but if it doesn't exist, it will possibly be the end of your relationship with this person if he's in the middle of your space. It's highly likely to be a very tense two months.

--------------------

Some ideas:

1. Offer to help pay for a rented room, either at another relative's or friend's house, or through the ads. Maybe other friends/family can help chip in for a very limited time.

2. If he is going to stay in your house, your above rules are very reasonable, and I agree with svelte...he should have assigned chores.

3. In order to keep things running as smoothly as possible, brainstorm with your husband and kids what you want, IN DETAIL, as far as rules go: laundry schedule, cleaning schedule, rules for dirty clothes, dishes, food purchase and prep, storing possessions, guests during the day/night, curfews, length of stay, parking, phone/TV/stereo use, rent or utility payments (if any), bathroom/shower times if they conflict with other family members, etc. And WRITE THEM DOWN! Have him sign the "agreement" as a condition of moving in, and post a copy of that agreement on the refrigerator (keep a copy for your files). If anything goes wrong, you can simply refer to the agreement, and this will help keep things more "professional" and objective, instead of emotional.

My roommates and I almost always had these written agreements (but we would brainstorm together and all of us would sign them), and they really did keep things running smoothly.

Whatever you choose to do, best of luck to you! It's never easy to be in a situation like yours.